From: dan
Date: Sun, 29 Jan 2006
""I love you" spoken toward me, is no more and no less than it would be if you sat yourself down in front of a mirror and spoke to the image "I love you." I have no idea whether that would be a positive action to take or not.
Until you can decide things for yourself, and take responsibility for what you decide, and stick with some direction, any direction, you're going to be floundering around in limbo just like the majority of human beings. So what? Perhaps that's all there is.
Big deal that your boob was sucked on by a "black" woman. Ask yourself the real questions: Are you racist? If the woman is merely a representation of your "dark side" why did you dress her up as a "black" woman. Have you ever loved a black woman, really? If not, why not? How do you know that it wouldn't be the real love? Is that why she's a black woman, so that it will remain impossible? Do you even know a black woman? If not, why not? And is the real reason you'd rather cuddle up with the internet fantasy person exactly because its safely in the fantasy world where consequences are merely other parts of the fantasy?
Dreams, it has been said, are symbolic manifestations of either what we wish would happen, or what we feel should happen. If this is true then they present priceless insight into who we really could be. But the problem is that you have to be ready and willing to receive an insight. No one learns who isn't willing to learn. Its possible, I've heard, to train enslaved or unaware beings...that's a project that I have no interest in participating in, so I wouldn't really know. Learning begins with curiousity and humility.
My experience with your emails (and I should stress that this is just how I perceive them...I have nothing else to go on.) is that you construct elaborate plots to get something that you have decided you want/deserve(love) and then turn nasty (with an oh so cleverly displaced "F#$% you." oh dear.) when the planned for result is not forthcoming. The conflation of sex and love (which may be both inevitable and natural) means that it is easy to always stay in power, as in: Oh its not just pure abstract love I want, I actually want to touch something. And if that's not the route to power, then: It's not sex that I want. I'm not THAT sort of person. What I really want is just pure abstract love.
And the same sex dream could have been predicted....just a few emails back you said you just couldn't "get" same sex love. Well now you got it. Be careful what you wish for.
My thought then was, hey...I never asked anyone to get Black Jack Davy. (I don't "get" love between women, because I'm not one, but I am happy for them, and I think its beautiful.) As to Black Jack, I painted it. Find what you find in it. I happen to love men and just couldn't care less whether that appeals to anyone else but the man who is interested in me. The painting is beautiful. I did my job. That's the best a painting can be. I don't have an aversion to women, just no attraction, and I think I went way beyond the call of duty in my younger years to find that out. What I discovered was that it was "ok." I'm not interested in "ok." I'm not a desperate person.
The woman who most turned me on, a dancer and an artist, did so not because of her "boobs" or whatever, but because of her sheer power, a will to make art that pushed her beyond being experienced as a gender. She is a great artist and I admire that. We did a tango, just for ourselves, not part of our work, and that meant more to me than any merely sexual experiment could.
I'm speaking from experience. I gave it a chance and found out the truth. Will you?
Somewhere on this earth there's a beautiful woman of color, as they say, who herself prefers to love other women. (I've known one such, a radiant spiritual friend who introduced me to some great music, with whom I've spent some memorably happy times.) OH LUCKY YOU if in fact you would be able to enjoy the loving attentions of such a one. Prejudice. Ugh.
I've struggled against the kind of prejudices that you give voice to all my life and I will die, if need be, in that struggle."
