Szapped!

Being that today is called "Ash Wednesday", a friend invited me to go to mass with her. I told her I was not Catholic. My other friend, Bill, when I told him about the "invitation" replied, "please go". I explained to him that I already had a permanent mark on my forehead, and I was not Catholic. Another friend, and my friend who had invited me to go to mass approached me. I told them about the story of Bill, and what I had said to him. When my friend, the one who had invited me left, I lifted up my bangs, and showed my other friend, "my mark" on my forehead. She proceeded to touch it. Immediately, she was "szapped" and thrown back away from me. It was hilarious. She suddenly put her 2 fingers together to make the shape of a cross!

Later I explained to all my friends how when I was little, I was pushing my grandparents' porch swing while my uncle Bob was in it. The swing hit me in my head and I had to have stitches. Oddly enough, it left a permanent scar in the shape of a cross. Bill questioned what that meant to me. My response, "healed wound".

Of course, later, I showed my other friend, the other "mark" located higher, in the center of my forehead, which appeared a couple of years ago, after one of my "dark" mysterious nights. It was after attending a funeral. This mark is shaped more like an arrow pointing upwards, with a slight turn to the left. Never knew if anyone else could actually see it, until today.

My story continues:

I told yet another friend about this particular story. I illustrated to her exactly what took place when my other friend got "szapped"! This friend did not know what "Ash Wednesday" was. I explained what I thought it was from reading about it ... the priest burns the leaves from last Easter's palm leaves and I think, places in water and then smears on foreheads...my friend replies, "Holly, tomorrow when I take my smoke break, meet me there and while I am smoking, I will catch the ashes, and then spit on them, and then put on your forehead". Hmm, what would that be, "Ash Friday"???

This story continues further:

This morning when I spoke with my mom, I told her the above stories. In telling it to her, she said, "don't you also have a scar from that time your father caught you in the eye with a fish hook?". No, that didn't leave a scar. The doctor just had to cut it out, not pull it. But then I did remember that the "cross scar" did not come from pushing my uncle on the swing. I got stitches above my eye, right below my eyebrow for that one. That left a "straight line" scar. The cross scar came from when I was little, I had found my sister's diary and she caught me reading it. So I began reading her "love woes" outloud so my maternal grandmother could hear. She was visiting us at the time. My sister started chasing me around the bed, trying to get it from me. My grandmother yelled, "Mary, Mary, come quick. She's going to kill her! She's going to kill her!. I fell on the corner of the bedpost cutting my forehead. That is where the "cross scar" came from!

My mother's response to the story itself, "everybody has their own beliefs".

Fire

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Legs

"If you notice a difference, there is no equal"...

My legs entwinged upon his body
resting helplessly to a being
the being responding automatically
to the scent
the scent of human
the scent of man
the scent of the unknown

like animals our body emerge
attracting like upon like
where does a being go

desire rising and falling
rising and falling
the breath
of the unknown

if
we are only human
why does a human flaw

to make commitment
upon another
only to flaw
upon another

where does the energy go?

it goes into humanity
it goes into what you were taught
what is right
what is wrong
even though
to me
there was nothing wrong
only humans
being human
resting a lifetime
of
what is right
what is wrong

Lunch

"You wanna meet now?" Spontaniety. My favorite. "Sure". We meet. Face to face. Hands open touching hands upon hands. Silence weeps in. Secret space. The beauty of the universe interface. Truths uncovered. Spontaniety reeps in. The secret of the soul unfolds. What a magical, beautiful place to behold. Acceptance of a love so unknown. Lessons taught. Lessons at all? It is the unveiling of a soul.

Big Betty/Little Flowers

Crispness in the air

stars were shining everywhere

crispness in the air

Waking up to

crispness in the air

with the morning dew

shining through

Crispness in the air

with the sun shining everywhere

Crispness in the air

how I love to share

Shimmering Lights

After an incredibly amazing evening last night, I walked out of the house tonight to find the stars actually shimmering in the sky!

Motion

It's either there or it's not.

Love & Time

Wow! When I morphed through his opera, "Love & Time", I actually experienced the myths! Wow! Oh my gosh! No wonder I love that man!

Love

Sometimes this "love" which fills me can be so overwhelming. It is as if there is no place for it to go. Most people do not want to be consumed with this much energy. So where does a being go? I try drawing, painting, writing, poetry, yet, it is the human connection which makes it real. To give it away. I was in a strange place today at work. Very meditative. Almost like a small organism dwelling in it's own right. Co-workers noticed. "Are you ok?" Yes, just sitting here enjoying the fullfilment of "bliss". No, that is not what I said, I just said, "yeah". Secretly living in bliss.

I stopped at the store on the way home. When I got out of my car I heard a whistle. I turned to find a guy getting out of his car. When I left the store and walked back to my car, there was the same guy. I got in my car to drive home. As I was sitting at the intersection, suddenly, knocking sounded on my window. I screamed. Not expecting a human being to be outside my car. The guy behind me, the same guy from the store, had got out of his car to approach my window. He immediately said, "sorry". I rolled down my window a little ways, he said, "I just wanted to tell you that you are a very attractive woman".

What drives a being to such extremes? Is it the "pull" of a unidentified force? Am I pulling or are they driving? The "unidentified force" is not to me "unidentified". It is God. It is nature. Seeing God or Goddess or It, whatever you want to call it, it is real. It is absolutely beautiful. It is life.

Indian Angel

Today at work, a man was spotted peeing in the bushes. I was told he was a very elderly man. It was very upsetting to the woman who spotted him.

Back when my son was little, a toddler, he spent alot of time at my father's home. That is where my son learned to pee in the woods. My nephew, who is 3 months younger than my firstborn, also spent alot of time at my father's home. Right after my nephew had his firstborn, he told his wife he could not wait to teach him how to pee in the woods. As my son was growing older, he came upon my uncle peeing in his back yard. My uncle had bladder control problems. One night after my 2nd divorce, my son and I, I think he was about 4, maybe 5 years old, anyway, we had just came back from the ocean. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of triggling pee. My son was in my room peeing on my suitcases. Years later, after my father was diagnosed with cancer, him and my mom came here to visit. They slept in my bedroom. I awakened to find my mom cleaning up urine in the corner of my bedroom. Later on, they visited my relatives at the ocean and my mom said suddenly as they were watching television, my father got up and went to pee on the television. Today, my mom's male friend is in a nursing home. He doesn't like to leave to go visit people for he has bladder problems and is embarrassed.

Seems to me, when you gotta go, you gotta go. Also, I remember a trip to Atlanta with my mom, dad, grandmother, aunt, uncle, and my firstborn. We had been to see the Braves play. On the way back to my uncle's house, in the middle of downtown Atlanta, I had to go! We stopped at a hotel and me and my father went in and requested to use their restrooms. They said no. We walk outside and my father says, "Holly, squat behind the bushes". I did. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Flowerbeds

Yesterday, I spent the majority of it, cleaning out my flowerbeds. When David was here last weekend, I asked him when is it time to prune the pear tree. He replied, "last month". So, I pruned what I could reach yesterday. Betty tried to help carrying off some branches.

While I was working, suddenly a large white bird glided across my vision. It was the most graceful, elegant bird I've seen around here in a while. My mom said it sounded like a "egret".

The White Birds

William Butler Yeats (1865–1939)


I WOULD that we were, my beloved, white birds on the foam of the sea:

We tire of the flame of the meteor, before it can pass by and flee;

And the flame of the blue star of twilight, hung low on the rim of the sky,

Has awaked in our hearts, my beloved, a sadness that never may die.


A weariness comes from those dreamers, dew-dabbled, the lily and rose,
5
Ah, dream not of them, my beloved, the flame of the meteor that goes,

Or the flame of the blue star that lingers hung low in the fall of the dew:

For I would we were changed to white birds on the wandering foam—I and you.


I am haunted by numberless islands, and many a Danaan shore,

Where Time would surely forget us, and Sorrow come near us no more:
10
Soon far from the rose and the lily, the fret of the flames, would we be,

Were we only white birds, my beloved, buoyed out on the foam of the sea

Vibrations

From: dan
Date: March 14, 2006

"No, nothing electric vibrates through me via the internet whatsoever. I definitely have my thing with electric energy, for a long time it came in the form of a black jaguar. After years of training it became a black man. When I finally got the hang of it it stopped taking a form and became "pure" ecstacy (whatever THAT means) at first as lightning, at night. If you look at the bottom of Red Rob (he finally appeared in human form) you can see a thin shape wrapped in leather and red beads. That's a sliver from a lightning struck cedar tree. You could find out more about it in a book called "Friends of Thunder"....but lets just say that I keep my respectful distance from electric power now.
The mistake that you are making is exactly where you 2nd email places it. I am not looking for anything in particular (there's a term for the state, but I don't have time to go in to it here.) and as I've so often assured you, there's no running or hiding involved from anything you could know about. Let go of your obsession and you'll feel freer. Trust me on that one.
I assure you that I have all the love, and more, that I can deal with at present. Its nothing like what you seem to think it is. My "electric charge" if that's what it is, gathers in the earth. My sensual experience of it is to walk barefoot. And that's all there is to that, and all there will be to it."

3 years ago, at the time of this email, I could not understand. All I felt was that "electricity" running through me as we emailed one another. I began studying his painting "Red Rob" and saw a baby inside "Red Rob". Now I know. I am totally blessed to be able to "make sense" out of something which made little sense, as he continues to express his art. The more he reveals, the more which opens up. Just like a flower! When we began emailing, one day as I sat by my computer, a dove showed up right beside me on my window pane, as if to say "good job Dan, keep up the good work", at least that is the way I perceived it. When my father died, a family of doves moved into my yard. They returned after my divorce. Today, when I came home from work, there again, was a family of doves in my tree. Nature is such a beautiful art. I came home yesterday to find my crocus blooming. Keep the gift alive. The gift of becoming.

Time for Time With Mother & Daughter

From : Dan
Date: Jun 2005

"There is a japanese story (I've just been hosting Japanese friends...so such stories are in my thoughts) ... in which it is said that when you die you meet a demon with a mirror. (The word demon doesn't have the demonic meaning it has in english...they are scary and dangerous but not evil...anyway...) The demon holds up the mirror and when you see yourself you go to heaven or hell....whichever one you see.

This story came to mind because of the heaviness you describe. The spirit mirrors who you are at this point in time...and there's still a lot of heaviness that you've accumulated in your life. As you become clearer you will become more light-hearted, and the spirit will reflect that quality. In a way I think it mirrors to you not so much who or what you are, as it is what and/or how you can understand. It takes time and practice to gain the kind of understanding that sees through the dark and heaviness into the light that some people have hidden under their bad habits! I know its frustrating to hear "be patient, keep working" over and over....but really, that's it".

This is when I stopped attending the evangelist church. I stopped living the life of "fearing God". I began seeing "God" as a loving God. I stopped praying. I thought for sure I would go to hell. Yet, that beautiful word, "yet", I didn't. Not then anyway. Not because I quit praying. There are many different ways of experiencing "hell". It is a personal experience, happening only to yourself. When I walked through it, and I was able to talk about it and see it for what it was, well, what remains is a inner peace that just rocks my world! As I said to my daughter last night, yet again, "it'll be ok".

I had so much fun taking these pictures. Yes, it was time for "alone time" with my daughter! We spent the afternoon hiking at Edwin Warner Park. We took Harpeth Woods Trail. One of my favorite places.

The Dogs

Bear is a big one as you can tell by his name

Sassy is a runt and quite feminine as the same

but the thing of it is

when they become rude...

I fed them leftovers

a little big of meat

with potatoes mixed

good fixins for them to eat

as it sat in my fridge

being eat on for over a week

I dished it out for the two clowns

as I call them now

after they grumble for all they can take

these two love dogs

whom I said before

they laugh and they play

and do so much more

but when it came to their bellies

watch out...

the gloves are off

for they fought as if

there were no tomorrow

the little one growled oh my

the fight over food

and want to survive

there is the line between human and animal

the fear of lack of food in their sack

the farmers who produce from mother nature

are not given enough credit

for I know this only from myself

as never before did I realize what kept me alive

as a mother who provides

beginning at birth

with the sweet milk to purge

oh the remembrance of that smell

of the warmth flowing out

to feed the new born

nothing can compare to the love that is shared

so my quest

do not forget

to remember who feeds you

from her breasts

New Growth

Waking up this morning to being totally alone was quite a pleasure. I enjoy my "alone time". After all the excitement from this weekend, it gives me time to collect my thoughts, in order to release them. Walking outside in search of the blue jay I had seen earlier, I saw my new growths coming up, peeping out, letting me know that they were there. I planted so many different new flowers and am very excited to see them bloom. The only sounds I heard outside were the birds singing and a woodpecker pecking. Magical music. Trying to describe the bliss inside, the warmth which radiates, it is just here. It is a high without a substance. I am very grateful for this continuous flow.

Party

I had planned on going to my "tree climber's home" last night when he got back from KY. He had been in KY all week helping to clean up the ice storm. He restores, does not "top off" the trees. Very adamant about that. Anyway, when I learned of how many guests my daughter was expecting, my plans changed. No, I was not leaving my home. Officially, there were 38 teenagers here last night. Oh my gosh! It was totally wild. Yet, these kids were all from the school of arts. Future actors/actressess, musicians, dancers, singers and the creative forces arrived - big time! There was one couple who spoke only in "German" to another - they both are taking German 2. The native american had a difficult time speaking at all. It was actually really cool. Lucky for me, my "tree climber" understood and just came here instead and stayed and helped me chaperone this party. It was a hell of a party.

NOW...2 days after the party...the truth. The beginning of the party was cool. BUT, after more and more started coming, I was getting pissed. Continuously going around and picking up trash after these beautiful teenagers. I could not believe how disrespectful they were of someone's home - inside and out. I kept trying to see them as "teenagers", trying to remember what it was like at that age. Continually forgiving them. At the same time, trying to point out that it was my house and I had to continue to live there after they were gone. What really dismayed me was the fact that only 2 parents checked to make sure that I was going to be there. One mother had her son call her - he had just recently got his driver's license and she wanted to make sure he got here safely. The other father walked his daughter to my door and introduced himself to me. When I went to parties growing up, not often for I was the other with the parents who stayed home to chaperone the party, but my parents would always make sure I was where I was suppose to be. But being a teenager, I would always find a way to "sneak" where I wasn't suppose to go. Did I respect the person's home? Now realizing, probably not as much as I should have.

Finally, around 12:00 yesterday afternoon, they were all gone. Many could not go for they were waiting on their parents to come and get them. And yes, my daughter said, "this is my last party I am having". Maybe next time, just a few friends at a time.