Seeing Through

The top painting is the bottom layer - the other side of the glass. The bottom painting is the original painted glass. I began painting this one last night as I was spending time with Bill & David (old & the young). They both are such sweet men! Wine of choice was Merlot. I finished the painting when I awakened to yet again, "Good Morning Sunshine". We all 3 agree there is nothing sweeter than waking up to a warm body!
Acrylic with ink on Glass 8" X 10"

Old

I've had the gift of experiencing life
life of all which it entails
the sorrows
the deaths
the damn every day joys of holding it together
where I knew
it was bound to fail

oh yeah
life in all its monstoristies
i have had the joy of experiencing

drunk am I
probably
self medicating am I
more than likely
yet I am old
yet so damn young at heart
it is damn good to be old

you earn the right to feel
you earn the right to cry
you earn the right to be

lucky me
to find a younger one
to share it with
to divulge the stories
of how it is going to be alright

oh my god
to be OLD
to say, "hey bitch i took the good, i took the young, you are left with only
the pieces of me"
I divulged the good
I divulged the wise
now
there is only fragments of time
left behind

cynical as it may sound
yet so very true
the old
no longer
consumes me
only makes me better

enjoying the now
enjoying what is

hey babe
karma sucks
all the way up the tree
I was good to him
I gave my all
only the fragments of a past left to you

Musing in Texting

My friend, who is a research scientist, texted me while he was delayed at the train station. The following is what took place:

Bill: "Yep...take the train every week".

Holly: "I like trains. took my daughter on train a few years ago. Remember tweetsie & fred kirby. I rode my motorcycle 8th grade in xmas parade behind fred. not good had to watch out for horse shit."

Bill: "And you lived to recont the tale (or should it be tail?)".

Holly: "That is what I do. tell tales. or tails. no prob w/ tail tail".

Bill: "Ah...but whose tail makes the better tale?"

Holly: "Depends on whose tail u are looking at".

Bill: "Its either heads or tails".

Holly: "Horses ass told good tale".

Bill: "Would that be like starting at the end and working forward?"

Holly: "Exactly!"

Later on, Bill texted me to ask me how my day ended? I responded with, "my day has not ended. the sun went down. is there really an end? or just a slight pause? His response: "Slight pause...nothing ends when you are spiritually alive."

Colorado Mountain College

My son sent me this pic of his dorm. He laughed when I told him it snowed here, barely an inch, and they closed schools. Some states are prepared for the snow, some are not.

The Force

"The Force" overwhelmed me today. What is this "force"? What is it that moves me to create? Whatever it is - I embellish it. I thrive upon it. Almost as if a force of creating. Who am I? A tiny creature to create? Yet, it exists. To embrace upon it brings total bliss. So, yes, I embrace. I embellish. Whatever this damn forceful "force" is, I relish in it. It is maddening. It is ... no words to describe...just do and find gratefulness in it that it exists.

Crossroads

8" X 16" Acrylic with ink on Glass

I remember the day the "heavens" opened up to me. I experienced the pain of Jesus being crucified. It was horrific. I could see "angels" in the clouds. As if every one were weeping. Tonight the stars are out and shining brightly.

The one thing I only requested from "my love", do not lie to me. All I wanted was to be able to look into the eyes of the man I loved and know he was telling the truth. That truth came as a lie. The lies got twisted. The lies turned and they grew. Until, a time came, where the truth stood, staring me in the face. No more lies.

Yes, that cliche, "the truth shall set you free". It is true. Be yourself. Be who you are. Then, yes, the truth shall set you free.

Friendships

Again my dear sweet friends
thank you for holding my hand

Renew, Recreate
relationships not full of hate

Renew, Recreate
relationships that thrive
not just survive

Renew, Recreate
what a blessing I am given

Renew, Recreate
again my dear sweet friends
both whom are married
yet still lending a hand

Thank you!

Lyle Lovett "North Dakota"

Nameless

Acrylic with ink on Canvas

30" x 40"

Lady of the Underground

20" x 24" Acrylic on Canvas "Cold"

Lady of the underground

where are you hiding tonight

lady of the underground

will you be my guide tonight



Lady of the underground

whose tides have come and gone

lady of the underground

how were you wronged



Lady of the underground

you have the power to destroy

lady of the underground

you have the power to create



Lady of the underground

destroying all that is not needed

lady of the undergound

creating from the disposed

creating something new

something better

from the knowledge

you know



Lady of the underground

so much beauty hidden to the seeker

lady of the underground

let us know



Lady of the underground

where only she who knows

lady of the underground

be exposed



Weather comes and it goes

nature taking shape

nature forming those

from

Lady of the underground

love us so

equality is not foreign

equality only grows

plant the seeds of goodness

underneath the bareness of our souls

yet

my fabulous beautiful word, yet

know

goodness is not all which is hidden

in those who do not know

for there are those

still asleep

believing, following like a herd of sheep

the blinded

the weak ones

who refuse to speak

for there all those who only follow

making a leader

less than meek

open up your eyes

for your tongue to speak

do not settle

for

settling only weeps

speak up

for equality

for all to reap

View with a Vision

My son called me last night and he said, "Mom, I wish you could see what I am seeing right now". He then took this photo and sent to me. He is so excited. He began his classes Monday. He goes snowboarding inbetween. He is living his dream, yet, it is only the beginning! He said, "mom, I can't wait for you to come visit!" Colorado Mountain College - I am soooo very proud of him! More happy than proud, for he has the courage to go after what he wants and he is doing it!

Releasing Energy

She looks so used
she looks so abused
yet looks are so deceiving
the fact of the matter
the matter at hand
she is only releasing
the used
the abused
the standing accused
in actuality
she is so loved
so pure
only the real can see
the goodness
she brings
to you
and to me
yes
let the wind blow
through the used
the abused
seeking
only
truth
to use
the purity
at hand
with the colors
unpainted
then paint
the world
as you see it
through you
turn the used
the abused
the archetypes
of yesterday
to beauty
of
today

"The Pretender"

Being Naked

There have been so many people who have asked me, "why did you paint naked women"? When I came across this picture of my son and myself, I knew the answer. I knew it all along but had difficulty in expressing it. What more is there than a naked baby? A baby is so pure and innocent. As we grow, our heads are full of others telling us who we are. Almost as if we are "screwed" from day one. So, in answer to the question, "why did I paint naked women"? It was to find that innocence that still lives inside of me. The purity, the innocence of knowing, that every soul is pure. You just have to dig through the rubbish to find it again.

Matters of the Heart

A friend of mine told me she and her husband were separated. I had no idea! I take that back, I sorta knew something was going on but did not speak of it at the time. She expressed to me how it was difficult to talk about, "wearing your heart on shoulder". But today, after her "letting go", she spoke freely of her heart. Why are people so afraid to speak of matters of the heart? As if, trying to be less than human. It appears, from my past experiences, when you're actually "living matters of the heart", it is difficult to talk about. One is full of hurt, full of pain, and to voice that makes it real. I found that voicing those hurts, those pains, those uncertainties actually helps heal oneself. Amazingly, you see you're not alone. Others have those same feelings. Feelings pass. Where there was once pain turns into joy.

After my final court appearance, I decided I needed to get away. I needed to surround myself with people who truly loved me. So, I painted this painting titled, "A Path". A month later, I took my daughter, and my then daughter-in-law and my 2 grandchildren to Myrtle Beach. The hours spent with my daughter-in-law was in cleansing. She poured out years of hurt to me. Totally opening up with all her feelings. Today, she and my son are separated. He has a new girlfriend, she has a new boyfriend. They are both in the process of healing, and seemingly, finding themselves.

The Gold Rush

As promised, here is my story regarding "The Gold Rush". Scherie had been telling me that she has met so many great people at The Gold Rush. She suggested that I meet her there sometime. I told her "no, I did that "scene" and it was ugly. About a year ago, perhaps longer, not sure, anyway, my daughter went to Disneyland with her school group and I was left alone for the first time in a long time. It was on my grandaughter's birthday. As I was talking to my grandaughter in NC and then to her mom, I explained my lonliness I was experiencing at the time. My then daughter-in-law expressed to me that I was still young and I should get out and have fun. So I did. I drove downtown to "BB King's". Being terrible about directions, the way I drive somewhere, I reverse the directions to get home. Anyway, I drove down to 2nd avenue. Parked my car and a stranger was there in the parking lot. He paid my way into the club. He bought me 2 long island tea's. We danced. Ok. That was enough. I was ready to go home. This "scene" wasn't for me. I started driving the same way I had came, which for me, wasn't good. 2nd avenue is a one way street. Immediately I was pulled. Had no problem taking the breathalyzer test. I failed and went to jail. I had to call my son to come and bail me out. I was in torment for a very long time. I car pooled my daughter and 2 others to school every day. How could I lose my license? When I called an attorney, he asked me, "what do you want to happen?" I told him I wanted it to go away. The first court appearance the district attorney wanted me to go to jail for 7 days and lose my license for a year. My attorney declined and had it held over for the next trial date. The next trial date we found out that the arresting officer had retired. The judge continued the trial and subpoened the officer. The next date, scared too death, yet, the officer did not show up. There was no one to accuse me of the crime. It was dismissed. So, no, I do not drink and drive. I learned my lesson.

I could not believe I actually told this story to a co-worker. Yet, she was very understanding and said to me, "Holly, I will come and get you. You do not have to drive."

"The Gold Rush" held memories of Bob. He would go there after work. Driving home one night afterwards, he called me. He said, "my foot is stuck on the acceralater, I am doing 85, 90, 95". I said, "take your foot off the pedal". Thank god he did.

The night Scherie and I went to "The Gold Rush", I met so many interesting people. The first, he was absolutely gorgeous, "pretty boy" is what I said to Scherie. He was a stone mason who lives in CA in a sailboat. There was someone who works at channel 2 news there. Then there was Bart. He sat and told me his story of how his girlfriend was in France, and he was heartbroken. He is a video producer who tried living in France but says he belongs here in Nashville. Then there was Charlie. Charlie is a very quiet songwriter. I played pool with a man whom I do not recall his name, only the fact that I actually beat him playing pool.

To sum it up, there are so many talented beings surrounding me. To be a small part of their lives is a blessing.

The first painting was what I painted after my first court appearance. It is entitled "Letting Go". I came home that day and removed all my paintings, piled them up, stating I was only a small speck. Who was I to think I was anything more? The second painting was what I painted entitled "Playing" the night before my arrest.

Stepping In

A few years ago, my son and his friends picked me up at work to take me to get my car which was being repaired. My son drove, with me sitting in the back seat with Cole. As we were going around curves, and I was being jerked around, Cole reached out to me and showed me the bar to hold on to and he said, "Mom, hold on". Cole was practically living in our home, therefore, referring to me as "mom".

The next day, as I was cleaning my house, I came across my maternal grandfather's picture which I had placed in a closet. The picture scared my kids, they said his eyes seem to follow you, so, I took it down and stored it away. On this particular day, I thought about my lovely flowers blooming outside, so I went and picked a few and placed inside my grandfather's frame. He was 18 at the time of picture. There, scarey made beautiful with presence of the flowers! A few hours later, my son came home and said, "mom, mom, he's dead, he's dead, they killed him!" Cole had been working at "game exchange" when a robber came in. He had Cole open the cash registry, which he did and hand him all the money. Then, he demanded a particular new game, today, I do not recall which game it was, but it was the newest game out which was hard to find. When Cole told the robber they did not have the game, he shot and killed him. Cole was 18 years old.

As I laid crying on my bed, staring up at the empty ceiling, billowing clouds seemed to be "breathing" around me. Suddenly, it froze and it was as if Cole's presence was in front of me. I whispered, "Cole, let go", then a warm peacefulness filled me.

I painted the painting of my grandfather one evening after Cole's death, while my son was sleeping peacefully on my sofa. The warmth was magnetic.

My grandfather was born in 1901, thereby making this picture in its original frame being 90 years old. Wow! I remembered the year he was born because my paternal grandmother was born the same year.

Death Passing By

My ex-mother-in-law died not too long ago. This painting represents what I saw when her "spirit" passed by me. It was swirling around me, throughout me. The message I received was, "I'm sorry". Who knows if it was real. Who knows if that was the correct message. Perhaps it might have been me yearning for her to say those words. I was very close to her until the end of my marriage. She took her son's side as most mothers will do. I do know that I am at peace with my relationship with her when she was alive, for I did truly love that woman and found her to be totally amazing in all she had to live with.

Underground Seeds

20" x 24" Acrylic with ink on canvas

It is like seeds dancing from the underground
busting to come loose
the winter has its stir on me
yet I know spring will come
seeds meshing
becoming
into life
living the life of the underground
the cold damp soil
covering me so
with only a soul
to be discovered
shaking off what's no longer needed
to dance
upon the newborn soil
the soil of spring time to come
yet
lying dormant
in the winter
with all the stillness
dampness of a newborn soil
feeling the dampness
feeling the newness
of mud
covering me so
only to reveal
springtime richness
with the dance of the winter
renewing my soul
the seed
what a very good deed
shaping
and harvesting
only what's needed
the dampness
of the darkness
of the winter
renewing our soul
yes
it is good to be alive

More From Colorado

Moving On

Letting it flow
to let it go
letting it flow
for all to know
I am moving on

Embracing my life
all which it entails
letting it flow
to let it go
for I know
when it is time
for moving on

My heart is full
my heart is warm
no regrets
no remorse
letting it flow
to let it go
to know
it is time
to move on

Moving on
to a better place
full of grace
I for one
am tired of
humiliation
of name calling
of accusations
letting it flow
letting go

Colorado

Permission

Permission in life to proceed? Realizing that most of my life, I did not have "permission" to proceed. So why did I? It was that "inner voice". The voice which tells me, "do this, do that". What is that voice? What is that voice which lives inside of me putting all of humanity aside? To me, it is the voice of "life". The voice of what is real. Not knowing what is real except that "little voice" which whispers to me, "hey Holly, it is ok to be yourself". "You are only who you are". Respecting tryingly, except, knowing there is a "higher being". What exactly is that "higher being"? It is the movement inside oneself. It is the energy which seperates you from others yet respects others. So how did I differentiate? How could I take control and say, "hey, this is my higher self speaking, to say something which I believe needs to be said?" It doesn't exist. I can only be me. Hoping I am on the right path. Follow your instincts. Being the instinct of part horse/part human, according to my horoscope, which vaguely means me, I just do. Yet, knowing me, a being full of love, I just do, hoping it turns out right. Harm no one. It is not "within me" to harm. So, hopefully, and what is hope? "How can you hope for something which one already knows"? So, again, what is hope? It exists within oneself. Hopefully, one full of love, one full of magic, one full of love.

Letting It Flow

"It is the artist's choice as to what, when, how and if creative work is to be shared with the public"....with those words said to me, I am an artist, therefore, it is my choice. Beautiful words, INSPIRING words should be shared.

Date: 12/30/2004" Just from what you've told me, it seems that you are now smack in the> middle of making yourself whole. To put it another way; of telling the> stories...giving them a shape so that the hopes and fears have focus and> dimension. Once you have a grasp of the landscape of your past life...its> possible to choose where you'd like to visit. And for a storyteller one of> the surprizing things about THAT sea change is that events that were very> traumatic lose (at least some...maybe all of) their painful quality when> placed in perspective with the wonder of it all. When I was working with> the Secret C. group, I often asked the participants to tell me about their> first memories, as a way of introducing them to the practice of telling "the> beginning of their story" (I think we envision our lives as stories...but> its amazing to me sometimes how little WORK that people do on their stories.> As tho someone else was telling who they were. And its true that the> others around us, the older siblings, parents, adults, and peers....move in> quickly to tell us who we are, who we were, who we can be, who we can't> be....as tho we were a type of dough to be shaped into the vision THEY have> of life.> The solitary child (& I think we are, in our reveries, always being that> child...as well as the one who tells about that child.)...the solitary child> knows better, knows that when we are truly alone with our dreaming of the> wonder of the world, nothing and no one can come between us and the beauty> of our dreams.> Thank you so much for sharing your ballad experiences. They are SO> INSPIRING and are helping me find a way to make the ballad project come into> being. I'm going to think a bit about The Two Sisters/what you wrote...and> respond again after it sinks (ha ha...ballad image!) in.> Dan"

Amongst Beauty

9" x 12" Acrylic with ink on canvas

This weekend when speaking to my mother on the phone, she relayed to me her dream. She dreamt she was in the woods. She was scared. She also said my father appeared in the dream. It was hazy. The dream ended with her being "lost" in the woods. I dreamt that same night. My dream was about my ex. In the dream, we were still married and it was a very sexual dream. No feeling. Only sex. Afterwards our 2 children appeared. Following the children came my ex's "now" wife, who had been his mistress for quite a long time while we were married. In the dream, she came to our home, going through my closet. In today's reality, the past hidden in the closet was revealed. "What is hidden, will be revealed and beauty is restored".

...Yes, today I "sense" the presence of our ancestors who once walked these lands...

Family & Friends

Last night we celebrated Anthony's last night home for awhile. I made Ziti with salad and garlic bread. He left his stereo system for his sister. His snowboards were in place on top of his vehicle. As he passed through St. Louis, he emailed this pic. He is driving on to Kansas City, where he will spend the night. Then resume on to Colorado. Yes, I cried, just like his sister, when he left today. Tears of joy. Tears of missing my son. He is doing what his heart desires. I am sooo proud of my son!

Monday, 7:00 p.m., he made it! Just visiting Denver, then heading for Colorado Mountain College in Steamboat Springs - 4 hours away. Orientation - Thursday, 1-8-09.

Hey Pete Hey Charles

Did you feel like crimes of coincidence?
I did
Brought to a place
by coincidence
a place where I do not belong
left my mama's arms
hey Pete hey Charles
damn
this place
of coincidence
the modernity has been removed
to the trees
to the roots
of the maples displayed
take me away
from this awful place
they do not accept me
for I am only a place
of coincidence
tear down the barn
of years made of dismay
the war
the battle
which I had no choice
they moved me from here to there
I stood my ground
I stood my battle
let me rest in peace

This poem arose from a place of the unconscious. I was exploring the difference of "conscious" & "unconscious". Conscious being "place of awareness" whereas unconscious being "not deliberately intended".