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Once upon a time, there lived a little girl. More than anything in the whole wide world, this little girl wanted to be loved. She searched many, many foreign places for love. She kissed many toads for love. She loved and she loved and she loved. The more she loved, the harder it became. Her tiny little heart was fading. Layers and layers of molten skin were binding her. Finally, the little girl exploded. She began lashing out at everything and everyone in sight. Bolts of lightning were striking all she touched and did not touch. She began to spin out of control. As she spun, rings and rings were spinning off of her painting the earth. Many colors began flying throughout the air. Suddenly, she was naked. She looked into the water and there, she found her love. Now, to find the prince…

Friday, October 31, 2008

To Make


I painted the painting yesterday after spending the day with a friend. This painting arrived from his new song which I talked about in an earlier post. I envisioned a little boy, scared, in our world today, wondering why the parents were only praying. My daughter and her boyfriend, both referred to the painting as "creepy", but very good.

Reinvent

You can't just wake up and decide
oh hey
I will reinvent myself
I will take away my past
and turn into someone else

I for one take my past
and stare it straight into the eye
and say
hey
this is me
this is who I was
and now
this is who I am

I carried a past
as much humans did
yet
I chose
to stare that past
straight into the face
to become
who I am

I will not
apologize
for who I was
for that was a part of me
discovering
who I need to be

so
as far as reinventing me
no
I can only be me

Me
with a past
not so good at last
yet still it was me
a child
learning

Learning to accept the bad
with the good
to become me

Soooo.
My name is Holly
I did some crazy things
in order for me to be me
yet
I stand
as Holly
the person
I was intended to be

my opinions might not mean
much to you
yet
they mean the world to me
Seek and ye shall discover
you
and who you shall be
the world is in your hands
not of opinions which definitely
do not blend
A world which so discovers
you are not so perfect
as you pretend

Thus Far


It has been a very strange day for me. Going to work at 7:30, yet only to leave at noon. I asked for the time off. I was granted that time. During that time "off", I spent with my friend who is a musician. Yet, today, he was a photographer. He was to take "pics" of me. As one professional artist to another. It was a very interesting afternoon. We went down paths which, still, I have not recovered from, and yes, I am sure, neither has he. It was strange how this "force", this "power", whatever it is, will guide 2 beings to where they need to go. We were in a place where "time stood still". As I said before, we are both still recovering from. The "divine" will, "will" do exactly that. My friend, has many songs to sing, has a whole lifetime ahead of him, yes, he is very much younger then me, yet, we shared a "place" where "age" does not matter. The beauty of the young and the old. Bringing wisdom together. Ahh, such a wonderful place!

What I discovered, was, in discovering each other, we discovered the nature of "ourselves". What a lovely place to be! As I described the love I felt for another, I discovered, that there is no difference in the "spiritual world and the physical world". It is all one of the same. For the love I feel spiritually is yes, the same love I feel physically. It is only bringing a "higher love" into the physical world. Yet, knowing the boundaries of that same love. "You cannot force someone else to love you." So even tho' I may choose to love someone who does not love me, it is my choice. "That" love will not dissipate, yet, it will open my eyes to reality in realizing that we all have a choice in whom we love. Why choose to love someone who does not return that love? That is where the spiritual comes in. Yes, I do so love this person, yet, if that person does not return that love, then, yes, you move on, to find someone who truly does accept/love you, with that "knowledge" of what "true love" feels like, to guide you, to show you, yes, there is "true love', but, "true love" also loves you in return. It is a matter of give and take. I will glady give, even when that love is not returned, but, I will not sit and wallow over an empty love. Afterall, it is all about learning. How can one learn to love if it is always given in return? My point being, love yourself.

I think, yes, as I told my friend, "think", the problem with love and artists, is, you cannot commit for you do not know what tomorrow brings. An artist rides the waves, accepting and balancing. For an artist to "commmit" to another, is almost like breaking the laws of being an artist. You cannot "promise" tomorrow. Or perhaps you can. Perhaps that is where "commitment" comes in. You can hope, you can desire, but that does not make it true. Riding the waves is so exhillarating. Yes, it would be nice to be able to "control" those waves and hope your partner stays aboard, and fate doesn't set hold, ok, perhaps that is my goal. Knowing what you know and realizing where it comes from and being able to "slip by"...keeping what you want alive...
**Posting later, exactly 11/30, this is what I know today...riding the waves can be "exhillaterating", yet, after skiing, proving to myself that yes, i can still balance myself, but, the thing is, that "drive" is no longer there. I do not "need" the excitement of the waves any longer. The peacefullness which lives inside of me is much more fulfilling. A "promise" is just that, a "promise". When I was little, a promise was as good as a handshake. Bring back that trust. Let me believe again.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

17


At 17, I gave birth to my firstborn. Yes, 17. Oh my gosh. What was I doing. I do recall arriving at the hospital, saying, "I changed my mind, I want to go home". All I got for the pain was "laughing gas". Not sure where his father was, yet, I do remember, my sister and her husband "walking the halls" until my son was born. That was, oh my gosh, 35 years ago. I did the best I could with what I knew, which, today, to me, I knew absolutely nothing. Yet, I knew I loved this child. The first time I changed his diapers, he peed on me. That was the experience of a 17 year old mom. There are soooo many stories, and yes, I will tell them, in time. Today, today is the story of a 17 year old, giving birth to a child. Somewhere, in her heart, she knew. She knew she would be the only one responsible. For, that child, came out of her. A father walks away. But, the physical, the mental, the spiritual, yes, is within the mother. She cannot just 'walk away'. I think, it is called loved. There are so many condemnations against love. What exactly is love? It is not wanting to harm another. It is what it is. Humility at its greatest. Fight fire with fire. Yes, when needed. Yet, love excels all. Not religion. Not spiritual. Just being human. The human heart. It beats a fantastic rhythm of its own. I've heard it. I live it. Yes, it is good to be human amongst humanity at its best. I think, the proper word is, "trust".

My child was born while we were living in a trailer park. The year after I graduated it was the "Watergate". Sentator Ervin heading it. I knew his grand-daughter Dolly, she graduated a year after me. What was this world coming to? Lies and more lies and not being able to trust in anything. Rebellion set in. It was hot. I do remember that, living in a trailer park. I left him. After our son was born, in the same abuse which I witnessed, I left. Building my own home, going back to college, building my own home, I left him.

Children. There is many this and that inbetween then and now. The point I most want to make out is...hey, this is then and now. Make the choice to make your life the way you want it. Do not use me as a scapegoat...take control...BLAME does not fix it. Hidden secrets will arise. Hidden egos do atise. Take away the ego. Figure it out. It is not about just YOU. It is about life. Make the choice of life for all to live in equality, not... and yes, I repeat, not punishment, for what your ego did not receive, make a choice to be happy, regardless of what's going on around thee. For, in the end, if the heart is pure, the heart will win. Find love, not for you, but in, how much love you gave, in finding you. Love, I still say, conquers all.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Today


Before today, which it has now turned into today, my daughter said to me, "mom, are we going to have another holocaust?" That began a whole new conversation, with Daniel in the car with us. Daniel attends church. He is constantly sticking up for McCain, with me doing the opposite. Beth jumps in and breaks it up. A little while ago, I was speaking with my friend who is, well, he is many things, but this day, he was a musician. I asked him when I could hear him sing/play. He told me when he finished his new album, then he would begin "doing shows". I was so happy to hear that he began a new album. When he told me the lyrics, a few lines from the chorus of one of his new songs, I was amazed. It was very sad/dark. I wondered what was going in with him. I inquired to his stress, which, happily, no, he had no stress. The concept I arrived from his "chorus" was a young boy, seeing "his world" around him, the outside world, and wondering why all the parents were not "doing anything", just going to church and praying. This brought up the subject of the holocaust and my imagination going "back" to my daughter's question. My friend and I have spent many conversations regarding spirituality, he attends church. I was utterly amazed when he said to me, regarding the holocaust. Why didn't "the people" do anything to help? Which brings me that "ahh". What happens when one person has too much power? Mind boggling how 1 person can have so much power over another? Is it fear? Or, is it control? Or, perhaps, both.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Yesterday



started out being a sorta strange day. Possibly because of the opossum, which was gone by the time we got back home. My daughter and I had our hair done with of course Daniel who always goes where we go. I am now red with streaks of blonde; my daughter is dark with streaks of violet. Change for the fall colors. We then went to my favorite store "Green Pergola" (www.greenpergola.com) and chatted with Greg, one of the owners who makes the homemade soap. He conjured up my tea also today - "Fruit Cocktail with cream strawberry & coconut". It is absolutely, relaxingly delicious. Greg now has a "soap bar". He has his many different large bars of soap on a counter along with the cutter, weigher, bags, and labels. You cut your own soap, then weigh it, then place it in bag, and label it. Beth absolutely loved this! We purchased goat's milk & honey, orange patcholi, and revive.

Before stopping at Green Pergola, we went to El Okay Corral for lunch. Beth's favorite restaurant, although it is in Mt. Juliet, and not a place either of us enjoy visiting. The food was good.

Also stopped at Wal-Mart for a few things. When we arrived home, a lady came knocking on my door. She told me she had been by earlier and picked one of my pears and wanted to let me know that, plus, asked if she could pick more. She said my pears were absolutely delicious. She went home and came back with her basket. A very sweet lady.

Later, we (me + 3 teenagers) left to go to store. Road was blocked up the street due to a man being shot 3 times. We went around. A few weeks ago, on my way home from work, a dead man laid at a service station as I drove by. Anyway, I got wine, the teenagers got koolaide.

Finally, made our way home again. As the night calmed down, I began painting. Was trying to paint what I had been asked to paint. It would not come the way she envisioned it. Instead, it came through my own vision.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Dang!

The oppossum is back in the shed again! Betty couldn't wait to show me. Her and Sassy both - almost as if they're family now!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Being Human


A while back I signed up on classmates.com. I began posting some of my paintings. I was blessed to bring so many "old friends" back into my life. It has been interesting to learn where my old classmates are now and what's been going on in their lives.

A few posts back, I wrote about "seeing through someone else's eyes". Realizing now, that that was necessarily true. It seems the majority of my life, I was seeing through others' eyes, before finding my inner self. Anyway, I have been talking recently to Bill. I really don't remember Bill from school. He was in my sister's (Kathie), graduating class. They graduated 2 years before me. Bill is now an environmental scientist working for the government. He has complimented me highly! In one of his latest emails, he told me he cared about me. I questioned him as to why he cared? The following is his response: (he gave me permission to post)...

From:
Bill Nelson (view profile)

To:
Holly Ceragioli

Sent:
October 23, 2008 07:28:38 AM

Subject:
RE: Hi, from Holly!



Why do I care? I grew up in a military family, and lived in too many places to count. I learned 4 languages and nearly died. What I learned is that each person, as different as we all are, is SOMEONE. More than that, is someone who can and does see life in ways I don't. Since life is what we share, I like seeing the world through different eyes.

When "passive" caring (wishes and idle thoughts) cross the line to "active" caring (listening and helping), then we become more than animals, we become human. That caring prepares me (and anyone else) to seek life in unexpected places. That I care about you, although we are strangers, means that I want for you to have your own "vision."

I hope you understand this. Those who have and do care about me, motivate me to do likewise. When strangers care, they find friends.

Bill

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Patients

I took my daughter to the doctor yesterday. Brought back many memories of taking my children to the doctor when they were young. Years & years of doctor offices. It's not so bad out in the waiting area, what truly sucks is being placed behind the "closed door" after the nurse comes in and says the doctor will be in to see you in a few minutes...those few minutes always turn into alot of minutes. Anyway, first we read the "Where's Lisa" book - same thing as the "Where's Waldo" book, except, yes, now a girl instead of a boy. After that my daughter decided to "record" our visit.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Serious


Ok. I have just been asked to do a project. Since the time I began painting, I only painted for me. I only painted for what I "see". Now i have been asked to see someone else's vision. They want me to paint through "their eyes". This is very scarey to me. For I only know how to paint through "what I see". I "see" through her eyes. Yet, can I capture that on paint? We'll see.

Pesto

My daughter requested chicken & dumplings last night for dinner. I made the quick, easy kind. I cooked chicken strips in the oven. Then chopped into pieces. Poured 2 cans of chicken broth, and 1 can of cream of chicken soup into pot. Added the chicken and then let it boil. When it began boiling, I added 2 cans of flaky biscuits which I pulled apart and dropped into the boiling liquids. Salt and pepper to taste. We had peas also. It was delicious.

Jamie had given me a big tub full of dutch iris yesterday. I planted them beside my bird fountain. Finally, again, pulled up the vine which climbs from the ground, across my fence, and up my pear tree. Many a pears fell down as the tree was shaking. Was able to prune the pear tree somewhat, and the surrounding trees which were intertwining with the pear tree. Gathered up the pears off the ground and more pears off the tree which were ready to be plucked. There were alot of them!

This morning, again, I brought some more pears to work. This time I gave the bag to Tammy. When I arrived at my office, I found 2 more containers of pesto which she had made from her garden, laying on my desk. For lunch, I brought leftover chicken & dumplings. I added some pesto to it and decided it was better that way. The aroma which spread throughout the office was amazing!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Cherokee Collection


This is a photo of some of my Cherokee Collection. I began my collection right before my brother died in 1995. My great grandmother was a full blooded Cherokee, on my mother's side of the family. My great aunt Sallie, resembled my great grandmother (I imagine, for I never saw a photo of my great grandmother), yet, my aunt Sallie (given name was Sarah) was much more stand offish than the rest of our family. She was greedy and a very materalistic woman. I have a set of dishes she gave me when I was married at 16. The dishes were given to her when she married my uncle. The dishes are green, trimmed in gold.


My mother use to tell me I take more after her sister, aunt Sissy (nickname, her given name was Elizabeth). Aunt Sissy died when I was in my early 20's. My memory of aunt Sissy was fearful. She was very stern, always spoke her mind, yet, my mother tells me she had a heart of gold, and she would do anything for you. My mom also told me that her husband, my uncle Earl wasn't very nice to aunt Sissy. She recently told me uncle Earl was always running around with other women. Aunt Sissy also resembled what I imagine my great-grandmother to have looked like.


Today, my mother tells me I don't "take after" anyone in the family. She says I have a mind of my own.
The painting of the angel to the left of the collection is a painting I did the day my nephew was being born back in 2007. Will is my brother's first grandson. After my brother died, leaving me notepads of 2 cherubs, which he purchased before he died and wrapped and mailed to me for Christmas, and I opened on Christmas morning, that is when my sister and I began discovering angels.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Crashing












When all life blends together
when all life comes together
that is where individuality
comes into play

lives lived long ago
come crashing into today

the consciousness
plays

life today

take back

your life

that life was of yesterday

take back your life of today

relent
repent
life of yesterday

today
is here
today is now

take back the life
of yesterday


scars were lived
scars were played
they are yet again
only of yesterday

today
is a brand new day

take back the days
of yesterday

yesterday
was afterplay
today is today
a whole brand new day

oh my gosh
make your world of today
not of yesterday

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

You "Do"


One does all that which one is suppose to do
you live by the rules of society
yet money drenches
and what is left
from doing all which one is "suppose to do"

You live by the rules
trusting with your jewels

then Wall Street tumbles
only to refumble
the rules
of
live as I say

or
lose it all

oh my gosh
life
is such a mystery
to be replayed
by what
by whom
the famous
who wants to make it a better day

life is not good
financially

yet
for me
life is grand
in all its enormousity
for I do not hold
standards
nor
molds

I hold life
in its imaginary

let the young imagine
let the young be
without holding control

this life I am sure of
has evolved as life when I was young
nor caring

only trusting
to lives
withholding nothing
for as I was young
I trusted
the elders
to "hold it together"

for I am only young
experiencing

soooo...

come on...
get it together
find love
within
your heart
let be
let me be
voicing
how it should be

a life
full
a life
without the judgements
of thee...

without the judgemental...
without the consent..
life is good
oh my gosh
don't bring us down
bring us up
up to reality
....

My Mom


I talked with my mom last night. She was very upset. She lost $30,000 in her investments. She said to me, "Holly, that was your father's retirement fund...so that he knew you would be "ok" after he was gone". I said, "mama, it is ok, it is only money, we still have each other". The love I feel, the memories of my past, just the love of life that was, that is, that is all that matters." She was so disappointed because she wanted to send me money, which was no longer there. I told my mom, "hey, we have each other, that is what is important". She said, "I am going to take a xanax, and go to bed". Oh my gosh! Life, memories. We're going there for Thanksgiving holidays. My son is going to Colorado Mountain School in January. He informed me that he did not know if or when he would come back....life,,,cannot predict...so he wants to visit my family..until then.

Is the world an illusion? Don't care. It is what it is.... I've dealt with it..lived with it...only to wake up and love it... oh my gosh..this terrible thing of love....yes, I love. That is who I am. I love. I have "loved" my entire life. Yet, and let's put in that "but", "LOVE", does not hurt me anymore. For I know, that love does not hurt. Love is beautiful..in all it's shapes, in all its forms...love does not hurt.

A Man's View


Ok, this is it. There are two men, running for president, discussing abortion. How WRONG can that be! The mother, the woman, is the only one who KNOWS what it means. So, my words to that, fuck you. I have 3 children. The father did not have these children. They did not raise these children. They only "enjoy" in the fruits of these children. The CHILDREN choose the fruits. Is this not hilarious??? Men talking about the rights of a woman? Oh my gosh! What has this world came to? I, for one, am the one, who has refinanced her home to provide for the child's education...I, for one, am the one, who has, yet again, taken out another loan to finance her son's education...so, hey...excuse the language, yet, it seems the backbone of our children today, is in the mother....

Taking A Break


Sarah Palin represents all of today's feminine women...or something to that dismay...hell no...there is no way in hell that I would support her as president of our country...she is a shame ... oh my gosh....taking away women's rights? I do not get "excited" over much, yet, this debate, what a laugh!!!! No one has the right to tell a woman what she can or cannot do with her body. Period. Comical. Watching this is like...I actually understand. And what I understand is not good. Realizing life...is like...wanting to reach out and pinch that fat cheeks of McCain and say, hey, you are a monkey!!! Only repeating what you've been told. Let's get to the real. Look around. Yes, tax the rich...oh, back to the "American Dream"...it wasn't mine. I am an American, yet it wasn't my "dream" to own a home"...only my dream to be free... free from someone else telling me how to be...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Chester


Chester

By:Beth Ceragioli

It all began with a special bond between a young boy and his bear……..

One day, Charlie, a boy of age seven, was dragged to the grocery store by his mother. That is where he met his best friend, Chester.

Chester was a circus bear wearing a rainbow ascot and a matching hat. His fur was as soft as a down-feather pillow, and he smelled of sweet bread and cotton candy.

Charlie knew at that moment that they would forever be inseparable: Charlie and Chester forever and eternity. The only predicament was how to talk Charlie’s mom into letting him keep a five-and-a-half foot tall, three feet wide circus bear in their clean, quiet, suburban home.

He considered lying to his mother, but then he remembered what she would do to him if she ever caught him in a lie. The thought alone encouraged him to jump out of his own skin.

As his mother, he, and Chester strolled through the produce aisle, Charlie conjured up wacky ideas in order to maintain his new best friend. Chester followed Charlie, ready and willing for anything. Charlie finally gathered the courage to speak to his mom.






“Mommy?” Charlie whispered tugging at his mother’s purse.
“Yes, Charlie?” his mom replied squatting down to be at eye level with her son.
“Ca…” Charlie got nervous and began to slam all of his words into one, big, long word, “IFoundACircusBearNamedChesterAndWe’reGoingToBeBestFriendsCanIKeepHim?! PLEASE?!”

His mom was shocked that he could get out that many words in just one breath. After pondering that thought for a few seconds, she realized that Charlie must be talking about an imaginary friend.
“Why, Charlie!” she says. “taking care of a circus bear requires a lot of responsibility, are you positive you can handle that?”
“Yes! So can he stay with us?”
“Yes, he can,” she sputtered out as she loaded her few bags of groceries into the trunk of their car.

Chester and Charlie sat in the backseat. They talked of pirate ships, video games, the circus, and treasure hunting. They planned on going on a treasure hunt with Chester’s circus friends on a pirate ship in search of a long lost video game. Boy, the crazy things those two could conjur.

As Charlie’s mother overheard her son having a conversation with the thin air, she said under her breath, “How good it is to be young and naïve.” She personally thought the idea of an imaginary friend was pointless, but she was happy as long as Charlie was happy.


They all finally arrived at the quiet suburban house. Charlie and Chester jumped out of the car, and sprinted through the front door, abolishing anything in their way, including his mother’s azalea garden. Thankfully, she didn’t notice the difference.

Chester and Charlie went up to Charlie’s room to calm down and to start thinking up another fun game. They tried to calm down, but they just couldn’t do it.
His mother attempted to relax, but the couch on which she was resting was located directly under Charlie’s room, the noisiest spot in the house. She knew then that this imaginary friend would soon have to disappear.

That whole day was filled with undefined chaos. She did not dare go upstairs to investigate the raucous. The hours passed as if they had been years, and at last, the clock struck ten: bed time, the highlight of her day.

Charlie’s mother trudged up the stairs excitedly. She joyously swung open the door which held all the world’s chaotic notions and sang, “Bed time!” to Charlie and Chester.

She suddenly realized, there was a three feet wide, five-and-a-half-foot tall circus bear in her little boy’s room. He was dressed in rainbow attire and his scent of sweet bread and cotton candy dispersed throughout the room. The mother shook her head in disbelief.

Charlie was dresses in an old ragged pirate costume and held a torn piece of parchment paper in his palm.

Outside the window sat a pirate ship filled with lions, mimes, acrobats, clowns, and so on and so forth. His mother had stepped into Charlie and Chester’s reality. She felt as if she too were at the age of seven.

“Mommy, we have to complete out treasure hunt for the long lost video game! We’ve been preparing for hours!” whined Charlie.
“Can I go too?” his mother gently requested. Charlie and Chester simultaneously nodded.

The three of them hopped on board and set sail off into the distance to embark on their neverending journey.



My daughter, Beth, took this writing and turned it into a book. She bounded the pages with thread and construction paper and then drew illustrations for each section. A child's imagination! My first memory of drawing was before I began school. I took an orange crayon and drew a large pumpkin in my closet. Funny, my father's pet name for me was "pumpkin".

Hope


I Stand
8:18 PM 5/18/2006


There was a sparkle in my eyes

when I was young

There was wonder of everything encountered

I choose to keep that sparkle

I choose to feel that sparkle

I choose to be me.


Daily struggle it use to be

now I just get up and breathe

open up the blinds and see the world

the birds the trees the sky

it is life.


Daily complaints this and that

he said she said or I want that

let it go and smell the air

look around and just be.


Stay in the presence

no matter what

it is a mighty hard thing to do

it is a daily chore but then not a chore at all

look at the rewards.


I choose not to be a victim.

I choose to let it go.

I choose to find joy.

I choose to be me.


I stand.

I stand with that sparkle in my eyes.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Played My Part


I played my part.
I did what I do.
Now
Is it up to you?

The sun rose
A brand new day
I showered I dressed
After a night of distress


It followed me throughout the night.
I tossed and I turned in my fright.

The sun rose
A brand new day
I showered I dressed
After a night of distress

I wore the shine
I played my part.
I did what I do.
Now is it up to you?

I am a mother
I am
At the end of the day
The moon shines through
Who are you to tell me what to do?

The blood was shed
On the cross they say
For what sin did he do except not living up to you?

Peace for all in a fantasy world
So that place I prefer
Mine not yours
For I am a mother
I know
If
Yes if
I could play God
For surely I would
For I am a mother
Not perfect only created
In this fantasy world with a body that feels
For her children she adores.

Are you a child?
Are you mature?
What lessons have you learned?

Creation creates
Man imitates
In the mirrors of time
One way or another
Love will get through
And Life so gently
Discovers
Love for another.

This is my dream
Do I awaken?
If so
Would I prefer to go back to sleep
Like the dragons within me
Stirring and saying
Do you have the courage to face another day?

Could I easily slip and slide and release all the fears inside?
Look around at the stories told
For we all see reflections of a life we once told.
Hold on to only let go
For to cling will only bring misery
To a future unknown except to those who awake
And accept all which nature holds.

This heart aches and cries out to ignorance withheld
Get your foot off my petals
For I might melt
If I am dead and cold in the ground
How in the hell might I be found
Let me rise and spread
For I am a mother
Not one who smothers
But
Again back to that beautiful but
That kicked me in the gut
To make me wake up and realize
It is not about me
It is not about you
It is about all of us.

I play my part.
I did what I do.
Now
It is up to you.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Suffering

1/19/2005
From: Dan

"Buddhists say that suffering is attachment to maya...the world of illusion. But an artist's work IS the world of illusion...and by that paradox the truth is revealed...that's a saying too, that art is a lie which reveals the truth. I've decided, at least in the level where I am now, that if I don't have an experience of romantic love as powerful as what I experienced in the past, ok fine. There are other areas of life to explore and you really can't do anything to MAKE it happen. Once the pain has found the path to your heart it knows how to return in a flash.

I think the problem is in giving up the illusion of control. Unrequited love is a powerful emotion in part because the one experiencing it is the one who loves, not the one who is the object of the love. They say the one who loves least determines the nature of the relationship, but I'm not so sure. Shakespeare put these words in Venus' mouth, "Whoever loves most will lose most." Hm."

And I did...what did I lose? Pain. My life today is so much fuller than it ever has been. It is the simple things in life. I know what I like. I know what I don't like. I am not "desperate" like I was when I first encountered Dan. I learned to love "me".

Friday, October 10, 2008

Tears


do not last but they do cleanse. The rain was nice. The storm passed. Damn! It just feels good - for no reason - it just feels friggin' good!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Care

At one time I was giving money to an organization called "Care". The money went to educate young girls in another country (do not recall what country for I lost interest). After several donations, the organization sent me an invitation to become a member. In return, this is how it appeared to me, (not too smart in large corporation financial things), anyway, the money was put in like a large "pool", kinda like gambling, it seemed to me, and then a portion was returned to the donators and a percentage was given to the young girls. To me, that just didn't seem right. It seemed a better idea, for people who could afford to donate, just donate, without getting anything moneywise in return. That way, it seemed to "even out" the rich with the poor. In other words, "their way" seemed the rich getting richer whereas the poor still struggling. Maybe I am wrong. But, today, when I got home, there was yet another invitation left on my answering machine wanting me to attend an upcoming telephone conference with this organization. Again, I declined.

Just got home from my daughter's school talent show. These young kids were amazing! It cost $2.00 to attend. What did I get in return? Fabulous entertainment!!! What did the school get...more money to buy equipment/supplies needed to perform. Also, truly enjoyed the teenager's poem. That was a first for me. He sat on stage and read his poem. It was about his feelings of today's "times". Alot about pushing for "Obama", which no one in that audience shrieked. More applausing than anything else. Same as when the student who was emceeing (sp?) the show expressed his own views...yes Obama rocks there! Nashville School of the Arts - yes, truly freedom to be...

Holding OnTo A Dream

Truly do not recall when I actually had this dream, but I do know I told it to Dan the morning after. In the dream, he was summoning me to his farm. I was told he was going to make another opera. The crazy thing is, I also remember actually being there, almost as if I left my body, and flew over the mountaintops and landed in his body (yeah, I know sounds looney) that was a few years ago. Back to this dream, it was during the time he had completed "The Faun". I was at first I think in a kitchen of an old house. By a bed, with I think "the faun" on the bed. My mother came out of the kitchen and said "you can't marry something like that"! I told her it was ok, it was only a dream. I was either in the fields on a hill before and after - do not remember now, but I remember the scenery very vividly. It was like I was in a "mario cart" riding down a stream in the middle of that hill with the "faun" riding beside me. Then I ended up in the middle of field, getting married, but do not know who the bridgegroom was. I also recall that Dan was not the director of that play/opera.

The images of "Pete's Stream" from Dan's blog brought this dream to mind...a while back, but for whatever reason waited 'til now to write about it.

I usually do not dream anymore, but when I do, they certainly leave an impression.

A Dream

I had the strangest dream last night. There were alot of different characters in it. We were high on top of a building, with two little "creatures" below us, they were like dinosaurs. I think they were green in the beginning. They were coiled up, laying down, then suddenly they "rose up", stretching their necks up to the roof. They would pet us with their noses. I woke up thinking about the dream - was able to go back to sleep and finish the dream. I told Jamie about the dream this morning and about waking up and going back to sleep. I told her it was cool because I could finish the dream the way I wanted it. She said "you can change a dream"....

To finish my story of this dream...when I went back to sleep, I found the same characters with new ones added. Characters I wanted in the dream. Alot of stuff was going on. Alot of details being worked out. Back to the dinosaurs, one was friendly, and the other was a teaser. He turned into this cute little, reminded me of a "pokemon" character, but, if you picked him up, and gave him any attention, he would start biting you. Yet, this time the dream ended in mud. I walked outside and saw a child stretched out in the mud. I picked the child up, and immediately began running water over the child's face. Then I woke up.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Rain Prist


After the play, I said to my daughter, "that was real, you know". Her and Daniel both responded, "no, it wasn't". This was my first lesson in historical fiction. I explained that, especially when the KKK came out, oh, it was shivering, but the same events were taking place at the time the play was written. My daughter then explains "historical fiction". Her and Daniel did a project together for their mass media class. I read it and tried to find "meaning" in it. My daughter tells me, "no, there is no meaning in it, it was just my imagination in order to complete the project", yet,....I am trying to attach meaning to it. She then tells me, "that is historical fiction".


The Cherokee use to worship to the "rain priest" in order to bring rain to their crops. This is my painting of the "rain prist". We desperately need rain. Is this considered "historical fiction"?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Long Stretch



I feel you
I feel you inside of me
as I lay my head upon your chest
your arms are wrapped around me so tenderly
I feel you
I feel you inside of me
as my legs are entwined from behind
I feel you
I feel your breath upon my neck
I feel you
I feel the heat of your body
sweltering into mine
I feel you
Softness of your voice
I feel you

Friday, October 3, 2008

"Mother"

During my time with Dan, he told me the most beautiful story about "Mother". He told me how him and his mother were watching some movie on t.v. In the movie, the person ended up crying. His mother remarked, "I don't understand how someone can cry over that". Then Dan played his song, "Mother" for her, and apparently his mother was "tough". Anyway, when he played this song, sung this song, oh my gosh, imaging him singing this song to her, anyway, what mother would not cry, ok, back to what I am trying to get out....his mother cried. The song was called "Mother" from his "The Road" soundtrack.

This memory arrived from speaking to my own mother. She asked me about "supper". The "hip" thing nowadays is "dinner"...remembering how my own mother would call us to eat, when I was a child....going outside and actually calling out our names...for it was time for supper.

Yes, my mother and I, we had a very beautiful conversation today. She cussed. My mother never "cussed". Yet, today, her remark was "damned if you do and damned if you don't.".... She was complaining about the stock market...yuck...government shit which I don't understand...yet (my favorite word)...it is there

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Vice President Debate

As I sit and watch this debate, very humorous to me, yet, very serious, I am watching a female/male debate. It is not about what is right for this world, it is sex. Heavens knows, right now, after watching this round, I am shamed to be a female, for I do not share this female's views. What has this world came to be???? Very astounding. Just to be. Yet, my favorite word, there is no way in hell I'd like to be like her. Oh my gosh...remove, remove....yet again, it is not about male nor female...it is about what is...either you "get it" or you don't.....

Again, I Tried

I came home this evening to find my front gate closed with my garbage can in front of the gate, blocking entrance to my home. Then, I went around the side of my home to find my lawn moyer blocking the entrance to the back gate. I then went inside my home and walked out my back door to look for all of my animals. Sweetie Mae was nowhere to be found. I then went back in the front yard and stood and listened. I heard her in the corner of the yard. I then remembered when we first brought Betty home. We had a terrible time with keeping Betty in the yard. Sweetie Mae is too small. My fence will not retain her. I had to give her back. Thus, the short history, of Sweetie Mae. History. Yes, there is a long history to Sweetie Mae. Yet, (my favorite word these days), yet, it all makes sense to me. I tried to make her fit in, realizing, this is not where she belongs. History.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

How Can You Not




I told my daughter the last time We visited the zoo,
"that is where I wish to be married////with the animals...


much consumed here///when my composoturies adjust...I will relate...until till....


sweetie mae exists..oh my god....there is a love which exists...oh my god...love,,,building upon....yes, it exists...


Sweetie Mae




Playing "hookie" today. Funny how much fun it is to do something when you're not suppose to. Doing something "out of the norm". Leaving shortly to pick up my daughter from school early and then heading for the zoo. "Out of the norm" - added another addition to our family last night. She's only 6 weeks old. She slept with my daughter last night. She rode with us when I took Beth to school this morning. She threw up when we got home and out of the car. Appears not to enjoy car rides (neither do I)...anyway, she is outside with Betty and Sassy now. They are soooo adorable together. Funny how they just "accept" a total stranger into their space. Although, Betty, she seems to be trying to control Sweetie Mae (my daughter added the Mae after I named her Sweetie)...Sweetie Mae walks around the backyard and she can only go so far because Betty will start running circles around her so Sweetie Mae just stops and sits and waits, and then goes a little farther when Betty stops and then the whole "cycle" continues again. Oh, and Sassy appears to be jealous that Betty is having so much fun with Sweetie Mae. Sassy wants nothing to do with Sweetie Mae. Appears animals are alot like humans with that "jealousy" thing and not wanting to share!