Lights

This week was one strange difficult eye opening week for me. Beginning on the houseboat...or actually leaving the houseboat...a mixture of both. I took a friend home when I left the lake. I got totally discombobulated and lost out in the country. Lucky for me, I have a very dear friend who calms me. I called him and the sound of his voice soothed me. I was going up a curvy, country road searching for the interstate. It appeared I was heading north when I needed to be going west. My friend told me, "turn around", which I did. Suddenly, heading right towards me was another vehicle passing cars. All I saw were headlights coming at me. I ran off the side of the road to get out of his way. Finally, found the right path. A truck passed by me blinking his headlights at me. I was going 60 in a 30 mph, not realizing the speed limit on this small road had changed. I braked. Sure enough, there was a police car with his radar pointing straight at me. I had slowed down in time. Found the interstate, but it was closed down going east, which, no, I was going west. But all the other cars were having to get off which had everyone going west, stopped. I sat there for an hour and a half. Finally, what normally takes an hour to drive, found myself home 3 hours later.

I called my mother because normally I call her every saturday morning and I knew she would be worried about me. She sounded terrible. My sister had taken her to the emergency room. They told her it was her high blood pressure medicine. They adjusted it. The next night my son, who lives in North Carolina called me. He said, "you need to come see your mama"! That is a 6 hour trip for me. I have my teenage daughter here who just started back to school. I have no one else here. I could not just up and leave. I slept that night outdoors with my dog.

The next morning I called my mom. She wasn't any better. My son was taking her to the doctor. I stayed home from work. I did not feel well. I painted. Called my mom later on the afternoon. The doctor gave her shots of antibiotics and pain injection. My son told me that he had to take her back to the doctor in the morning and if she wasn't any better, she was going to be admitted into the hospital. She couldn't walk. Again, I slept outside.

The next morning at work, I sent my angels to heal my mom - outloud. Later in the day, I called my mom. She answered the phone. Yes, finally, she was beginning to heal. For the first time this week, I slept like a baby in my own bed. Yes, I believe in angels and guides.

Always More

Why it amazes me that human beings always want more, I do not know. My innocent email acquaintance from Africa has totally the wrong idea. Wants my assistance in his education, and actually hit on me. How hilarious! Hmm. Funny, a friend who was with me at the houseboat last weekend, advised me of this. I told him, "nah, he is innocent". It doesn't really bother me because all I had to do was to say, "no" and I did.

Somed

My friend from Africa sent me pictures. Still not sure what to call this new friend. He has many names. His "traditional" name is "Baako". Lately I have been addressing him as "Somed" - the first name he gave me. He addressed me as "Mother Rose". I asked him why and he said I reminded him of his late mother who was very warm and caring. He lives and cares for his elderly grandparents who do not leave their home. He is 19 and studying to be a doctor. He attends Tamale Main Presbyterian High School. I looked this school up on its website and was amused to learn that an american evangelist started this school.

Nerve-Different Light

Nerves

18" x 18" Acrylic on Canvas with Ink

Houseboat Weekend

Ending

After ending a long time relationship

a relationship which was leading nowhere

a relationship with a married man

I took my quilts

I took my pillows

and went outside

and slept on the deck with my dog

Betty

The feeling to run

the feeling to flee

took me outside

into the night

The relationship was going nowhere

even with our vacation plans

it was going nowhere

I ended it

saying "let me go"

Gracefully, he did

all the hopes

all the dreams

disappeared into the night

This morning

the morning star

still shone bright

After rain chased me back

into the night

into the house

soaking me

and my quilts

and my pillows

This morning

the morning star

still shone bright

The ending is not an ending at all

we still remain friends

yet

with no hopes

no dreams

just being ourselves

The morning star

shines on

a lover for me

will appear

with no hopes

no dreams

only to be

with me

Rabbit

My rabbit comes and goes

she sits and eats so gingerly

My rabbit comes and goes

reminds me of places long ago

My rabbit to me

is just a mystery

nibbling my grass

not scared of the task

The morning star

shone so brightly

only one

as if to say

"this is me"

"in a way"

She disappeared

yet I knew she was here

only hiding

inside of me

Sparkling

18" x 18" Sparkling
Acrylic on Canvas with Ink

My Imagination

In my imagination

I still see you standing here

In my imagination

you exist

In my imagination

your embrace still clings to me

In my imagination

our friendship still thrives

It's been 3 years

since I held you in my arms

It's been 3 years

since I released your charms

It's been 3 years

since I began painting

my imagination

To see your image

once again

In my imagination

I can only stare

Crazy numbers 67 coming at me

Coming for a while now

At least

Now I know why

In my imagination

these words were held

for days

In my imagination

the curse is broken

Free as a tree

to gallop with thee

In my imagination

To be still

to be quiet

to step back

and

see

what a movie

I am watching!

The Stars Can See But They Won't Say A Word

Dad just called our daughter back. Not a thing was mentioned about extra curriculum activity from stepmom. Anyway, my daughter wrote a poem tonight. Suddenly, she said, she was hit with inspiration. This is her poem:

"the stars can see, but they won't say a word."

i feel the rain trickle down my face

this nashville skyline cannot erase all these thoughts,

all those doubts.

these memories that are planted in my head.

now inspiration is calling me, calling me out

on my all of my wrongs,

i give you this song.

god forbid we make it out of this alive.

now lets meet in the street

just give me one last taste of perfection

because that's what i see in you.

if only you knew what you do.

bring me hope, give me life.

we can make it through this strife.

darling,

i look into your eyes and see,

the epitome of beauty.

i'd give you the world, if only i had the key.

meet me at midnight,

on this road illuminated with streetlights,

we're bound to get caught at any moment,

so let's make one last scene.

stay with me, through this heat.

through trial, and torture, happiness can be achieved.

just as long as you stay with me.

you know i'm not one to be a hopeless romantic.

but im getting quite frantic,

shaking at the thought of losing the closest thing to perfect i'll ever get.

i know how i make you feel,

and its entirely surreal.

just meet me one last time under the moonlight.

we'll drive all night, into the sunrise

just as long as you stay mine.

tonight.

Death Passes By

My son left to return for college Friday. I took out a parent loan last semester to help pay tuition. Also, paid his bills while he was in school. When he came home in May, I stopped paying his bills. He worked this summer. This semester, he got an R.A., but was still short $1,000 for his tuition. I told him I couldn't do it. Suggested he ask his father, which he did. His father gave him $1,000 in savings bonds that his grandmother had left Anthony when she died. My son still needs money for books and asked his father. His father said he would try and come up with the money.

Saturday, when my daughter and I got home from shopping for school clothes, there was a message on my answering machine. It was regarding life insurance for colon cancer. My friend, who recently gave up the battle with colon cancer, died last night. She didn't suffer long, which I am glad.

This morning I opened up my email stating that someone had commented on my "Kontain.com" blog. This is the painting, "Death Passes By", which was commented on. I painted it after my ex-mother-in-law passed away, for this is what I saw, her spirit passing by. The comments were from my ex's wife. I found it strange yet not at all. People who are suffering and in pain will oftentimes cause others pain and to suffer. Well, it didn't work on me. I called the police and they came to my office and I filed a complaint. Nasty text messages/voice mail, cussing, etc. is one thing, but I do not take well to being threatened. Once again, I will say, Sharon, stay away from me.

What I did find comforting was the fact that my son told me that his father has not said anything negative about me to him in 2 years. Live and let live. Appears we've finally learned the "adult" thing.

I told a friend about ex-'s wife's activities. She has now followed me to "kontain.com". Her new site is called "Dario's beautiful art". She is called "Sharon hates ex-wife". Totally ridiculous. I left "my space" because of her following me and leaving nasty comments. My friend replied, "she is off-centered". I replied, "she is fuckn crazy". His reply, "I was saying the same thing". Appears I am more direct, and to the point. She has photos posted of the two of them. Photos taken when I was pregnant with our daughter. How stupid. Does she really think I give a pig's ass about that now? Jealousy and greed are killers. I am soooo grateful I do not live that life anymore. Co-dependence, yeah, that's what it is called. Yucko. My joy, my life depends upon no one other than me. What a wonderful place to be! I can only be me and do what I know is best. Freedom. Yes. Freedom. Just to breathe is a beautiful feeling!

Dollhouse

Anthony called me when he was driving into Steamboat, CO today. He has never seen Steamboat in the summertime. He found it difficult to describe what he was seeing. Words slowly arising from his mouth. "I can't describe it mom. The mountains are so tall and so green. There is color everywhere. With no snow, it looks like I am seeing a dollhouse. Buildings with color. A golf course is even here." I said to him, "hmm, sounds like discovering your own inner being after the snow melts". He totally agreed. He is in awe. I feel it.

Prince Spotted

16" x 20" Acrylic on Canvas with Ink

"The Creator gathered all of creation and said, 'I want to hide something from humans until they have fully prepared themselves for it. It is the realization that their essence is unity with Me.'
The eagle said, 'Give it to me; I'll take it to the moon and hide it there.' But the Creator said, 'No, one day they will go there and find it.' Then the salmon said, 'Give it to me; I'll hide it in the bottom of the sea.' 'No,' said the Creator, 'they'll get there too.' Well, the buffalo said, 'Give it to me; I'll bury it in the plains.' The Creator said, 'No, they will get there. They will cut into the skin of the earth, and they will find it even there.'
Then Grandmother Mole spoke, she who has no physical eyes to see the outer world but has spiritual eyes to see the inner world, and she said, 'Put it inside them; they'll never find it there until they have prepared.'
And the Creator said, 'It is done.'"

Native American Legend

Sound of His Voice

Hearing the sound of his voice


hearing it in my head


brings nothing to dread


only to shed


flesh





Hearing the sound of his voice


bears reason to be naked


standing before him in my head





Sound of his voice


connects our hearts


flowing deeply


red, red blood





Breathe in


breathe out


my friend


my lover


we discover


best of both worlds


yours and mine


how we mix and match


no judgements made


you are the best


my friend


even at your worst


walking with you


the adventure


never ends



no longing

no yearning

simply exists

to be filled
with this much love
a lively dish
dancing
just for you
ohhhh
you take away the blues
sun shining
in front of the clouds
feeling like a little girl
totally free
being me
so glad
you love me

She Remembers

She remembers the flesh of your skin
married man
she remembers the flesh of your skin

how can you fix this
being married
how can you fix
the flesh of your skin

the pain so deep
the pain so hard
how can you fix
the flesh of your skin

she screams
she moans
go away
flesh of your skin
it belongs to another
who will not touch
the flesh of your skin

bring to me so mildly
so lovingly
so tenderly

let me
touch the flesh of your skin

good morning
my sweet love
the flesh of your skin

Songs

As I listen to all the songs on the radio
it seems to tell my life
yet I could do it so much better
for I am living it tonight

One son in jail for DWI
one son in jail for public drunkeness
one daughter at home
telling me to
"go fuck yourself"
yeah
the songs they sing
I made
so they say

I let it slip by
by the moon in the sky
for I know
there is a way
there is a path
to lead you back
to what matters most

Life flows
not that I would ever say
those words to my mother
times were different
yet
never today
would I confess
the words of my daughter
to my mother
for yes
times were different

The moon shines so high
in its glory's mind
to touch the earth
means much more
putting your heart and your soul
into those hurtful words
letting them flow on by

Is she a bad child
Am I a bad mother
No
times are different
yes the foot remains
standing firmly
do not speak to me
with disrespect
for it will only come back to you
to bite you when you least expect

My children
My children
love stands by
with the moon
glowing in the sky

It is not I
you wish to contend
face the mirror
not to pretend

Be honest with yourself
what you like
and dislike
throw away the old
face the new
every day

This life is yours
don't live according to me
this life is yours
live
according to you

No excuses
no fools
take your life
and make it as your jewel

My sweet, sweet children
it is up to you

My Father's Rooster

A very beautiful, wonderful woman I know recently decided to give up her fight with cancer. She refused further treatment. It took me back to when my father did the same thing. Soon afterwards, he began reliving his past, which included a rooster. My mother told me suddenly one day he began chasing a rooster. He was running all around the house trying to catch it. Back when my brother was young, a rooster was chasing him. My father began chasing the rooster.

I think about the day my father actually died. It was a relief. Sitting and watching him suffer was very traumatic. I just wanted his pain to end. When he finally died, his suffering ended. That, itself, made me happy.

Today, I spent with a very, very close friend. Alot of personal "things" have happened in my life lately. Alot of suffering with people I love and cherish. I think about why other people choose to make others suffer and in pain, coming to the conclusion, it is because they are suffering and in pain.

Yes, I love. I choose love. Love heals.

Hmm...

Strange name for a poem
which is about to be born
Hmm...
sums it up
to add to this smile
on my face
which no one can
erase
Hmm...
damn! it feels good:)