Heat Pump

Came home from work, a friend came over to share a glass of wine before going to the Frist Center. The air conditioning guy was here putting in my new $625 fan motor. Suddenly, he comes back in the house and says, "can you come out here for a minute"? My friend said, "uh oh, that can't be good". The guy, Matt, showed me where the coils on my unit had been totally chewed through. Nice dogs! So instead of the $625 motor, I was going to have to purchase a whole new system. Matt was so nice and kept apologizing - like it was his fault. Anyway, my friend said, "ok, let's go to The Gold Rush. It's too late to go to the Frist Center". So we did. On the way there, a truck pulled out in front of us. The license number had "67" at the end of it. A symbol, which lately I've been seeing alot. It was the last 2 phone numbers in Bob's phone number which he had when he left Nashville. As my separation from my ex began, I would always see those 2 numbers. And yes, Bob would go to The Gold Rush often. About every time I would see those numbers, I would hear from Bob, in some form or fashion. We went inside and sat at the bar and here comes the man who was there before who kept pinching my ass. He put his arm around me and I looked at my friend. My friend suggested to the man that they go to the other side of the bar. When they came back, my friend and I said we were going to shoot pool. I then turned to the man and told him, "keep your hands off of me, if you touch me, I will smack the shit out of you". He left me alone the rest of the night.

This morning, another air conditioning man came out to tell me how much it was going to cost to replace my heat pump. $7,027.

Fight for what you want? I didn't have to fight. I meant what I said. Often times, words are enough.

OK

It is like 85 plus in my house. The air conditioner is out. They charged me $625 to fix it yet the part is not in stock. Ok. My highlight of the day, my daughter's arms wrapped around me, my son going in the hole of $500 in his checking account. Come on. Something's gotta give. More to life than money. Single mom here. Doing the best she can. It is like, "damn". Give us a break. We are struggling like most folks. The thing is ... I am STILL happy. Like the turtle carrying the woman, I am still carrying.

2 of my favorite guys...

Ben Harper & Jack Johnson - "Please Me Like You Want To"
When I heard this song, it reminded me of my own marriages. You think you are "in love", maybe the idea of love is really what it is. I have met so many couples who are experiencing this same thing...staying in a marriage when they are not happy. The best thing that happened to me was my divorces...having to get married to realize that. Steps. One step at a time disappearing after each step.

Happy Feet

16" x 20" Acrylic on Canvas

It was a very good weekend. Scherie and myself and 5 others spent the weekend on her 51' houseboat with 3 decks at Center Hill Lake. The first night we laid there listening to the coyotes "yipping". The next morning we got up to go fishing. She caught 5, I caught 6. Too small to keep. We threw them back in. Grilled on the barbeque. Floated in the sun. We saw vultures, a chipmonk, a hawk, 7 geese thought about attacking me while I floated, a snake passed by Scherie while she floated, mallards elogently floated, and a deer coming home. Creatures of the earth. Yet, today, finally being alone, was wonderful. I painted. For whatever reason, I find myself needing, drawing to that "alone time". A place where only the divine and myself exist. Absolutely blissful.

Rainbow On The Wall

Scherie came in my office this morning and said, "Holly, come here". She took me to the conference room and this is a picture of what I saw. Amazingly awesome! The reflection of the trees and the leaves outside the window were shining on the wall. Absolutely gorgeous! My camera did not pick up the beauty of such sight.

Lullaby

Lullaby let the earth spin
lullaby let me see it again
Lullaby hear the tunes sounding
Lullaby let me exerience it again

The sounds of silence
spinnning in my ear
the voice
coming
let me see it again

Lulluaby gently swinging
the past hung
betweenst
the gentleness of the sound
let the voice be heard
lullaby
gently screaming
lullaby
open entry
lullaby
show me your truth
lullaby
need no proof

the sounds of the gentle wave
gently flowing
amongst the living
lullaby
with no raves
lullaby
sitting tightly
letting loose
borne
to no amaze

loving feelings
with no attachments

loving feelings
to each day

poets quest
to end this mess

poets quest
we do it best

still no music
only phrase

lullaby
I make my own
take me now
down to home

lullaby
lives in me

lullaby
is my home

Gutters

Ok I have trees growing out of my gutters
it seems like a form of rebellion
probably is
but when your 22 year old son
moves back home for free
there seems to be a price to pay
clean out the gutters
neighbors beware
the grass is long
yet it is a form of a mother's rebellion

I paid your bills again today
clean out the gutters
mow the lawn
he cleaned out the back
but not the front
too wet
yes lots of rain
yet
tomorrow is a new sunny day
it will be done
the list will be made

Mother's heart
goes so far
understanding the lives of her borne
such a beautiful feeling
she adornes

Clean out the gutters
mow the grass
do not fool me for an ass

Life is good
mystically being

Life is good
for no reason

Beth's Dance Recital

Beth had her spring dance recital last night. It was awesome! There were 20 dances. She performed in "Starstruck". A mother could not be any prouder. She danced perfectly!!! When I showed my son the pictures I had taken, he told me I should have put the camera on "motion". I liked the way these turned out anyway. They seem more "real". The theme of the recital was "Diversity in Movement".

Christina Lux

Namaste

Don't know if I spelled it right but I remember it being rudely put out there. As if I were a threat. I looked up the meaning, "the divine in me sees the divine in you". Today, it seems like another form of control. Another religion. Not that I am against religion, it is just that there seems to be "something" that wants to control my being. My being natural??? I am who I am. I have no religion, no beliefs, I am just who I am. Today, it set well with people. Because, there was no anger, no fear, only peace. I don't want to figure out the ways of the world. I don't want to "heal" the world. I only want to be me. If I can be me, then the world seems to take care of itself. Mother nature? Yeah, I think so. Back to my old saying, "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not". Yes, many times I look in the mirror. The shadow is gone. When you speak what you truly feel, then it is real. If you see a shadow in me, then it belongs to you. Not me.

Pink Pionies

Such a delight to arrive at work to find these beautiful pink pionies on my desk. Yes! The fragrance was delicious.

I would say it was difficult to go to work with no make-up and my wounded face. Actually, it has been quite interesting. Some asked if someone beat me up, some asked if I were in a car accident, some ignored, some asked if I were ok, and the most interesting one came today when he asked, "did you have your eyes done"? Yea, vanity disappears. I liked it when they laughed. Cause yea, I am a funny sight right now. My friends, the people who truly care about me, were honest. My face is healing. The eyes are now a deep purple. The funny white stuff is medicine to help with the healing. To prevent infection. No, not a bandaide. An ointment to protect and to heal.

This "accident" has truly taught me alot. Thank you, my friend, for the lovely flowers!

May Flowers

Last evening, I awoke in the middle of the night. I got up to go pee. In the dark, I met my son. He was coming out of the bathroom. I was naked. I sleep naked. He turned and saw me and said, "ugh" almost blocking me out. I covered my breasts. Tonight, I called him to see if he was coming home tonight. I brought up "last night". He said, "yea". I recalled seeing my mom for the first time when she was naked. "ugh". For whatever reason, no child wants to experience their parent naked. When my father was dying, it was very personal. Yet, his nakedness did not bother me. No, it did. He was my father and I had to see his "manliness". Yes, that was a "hard thing". He was a man dying. I saw his whole soul. Not as a father. But as a human being suffering. Nakedness did not bother me. No, it did bother me. Suffering souls do. Seeing thru flesh. Yes, look in the mirror. Yes, it was very hard. To recognize a being as personal, as my father. It was attachment to a lifetime where there was personal. So, yes , it did bother me. He was my father. To go beyond. To meet soul's purpose. Totally sucks.

Empath. Yes, I feel. I feel what the world feels. Very difficult. Yet, it is a gift. Or is it a curse? How about, it just is. My journey. There's so many "voices" telling me what to feel, what to think. Listen to my own, which so intervines with so many others. Take the others away, what remains, is me. That very small voice which wants to be alone. Not at all. There is another "voice" I hear. So magicial. So beautiful. It exists.

On another good note, my son received his college grades in the mail today. 4 A's, 1 B, and 1 C. Yes!!!! He rocks!!! Mothers can be so proud!

Morning

I absolutely adore the morning. Everyone else is sound asleep. I walk outside and hear the sounds of the birds chirping. This week has been very strange. I tumbled with my lawn moyer this week. Waking up to black eyes, skinned nose, and chin. Thank God for my friends who took the time to nourish me back to health with their wound care and food and unselfish love. (Thanks Scherie!)

My mom. It is mother's day. Talked to my mom who is full of anxiousness, nervousness. She says it is just age. Getting older. I told her, "you know mom, you always come back". Knowing exactly where that phrase came from. After a week of tons of teenagers and my house being a wreck, yeah, it was good to be alone last night. I went to sleep at 9 and woke at 4. I cooked barbecued pork chops. Money is a tight issue right now for me. Paying my son's bills and mine. I still say, "it'll be ok". I woke up. Life is good.

Planted the flowers Jamie gave me last week. There's been so much rain I haven't been able to plant them until today. Don't remember the name of the flowers, only that they will get to be 2' and they are red.

I still look like a racoon with a third eye, like Annie said, but, I am healing. The eyes turned a deeper purple and red with time! Yes, and Fran had to tell me about the racoon she encountered at a patient's house the day before my accident!

Death Cab For Cutie

with Ra Ra Riot & Matt Costa - absolutely beautiful music!

Oh yea...the concert rocked!!!

How Can You Not

Can Oh mygod! His essence. His very being. How can you not enjoy him so? We made him. He is us. Yes, both of us! I celebrate him. The essence of us.

Lovely Surprize

My home phone rang around 8:00 a.m. I got up, naked as a jay bird, and went to my den to answer it. Too late! I turned to return to my bedroom, suddenly, I heard someone at my front door. Hurriedly, I threw on some clothes, and turned to go back to the front door, when my son, Anthony, came in. I haven't seen him in 4 long months!!! He's home for the summer. It felt so wonderful to wrap my arms around him again!!!

He had brought a DVD "That's It, That's All" by Travis Rice - a high definition snowboard film. We watched it. Totally amazing to watch the snowboarders go straight down those mountains. It was filmed in Utah, Wyoming, Japan, and Alaska. Alaska was incredibly unreal. Just watching the film gave off enormous energy of actually feeling like you are right there.

Anthony drove 16 hours straight yesterday. He left from Steamboat Springs and stopped in Denver and stayed with a friend. They went out to eat at "The Buckhorn Exchange" a world famous steakhouse which opened in 1893. He had "Rocky Mountain Oysters" which he told me are "bull testicles". Ok...other items on the menu are rattlesnake, alligator tail, buffalo sausage, elk, quail, and lamb. The following article was also on the "menu":

"Denver, June 4, 1938 - It was an incredible scene yesterday, something out of Colorado's past, when a group of more than thirty Indians, in full battle regalia, rode slowly down Osage Street on horses and war ponies, looking neither right nor left. If Teddy Roosevelt was still in the White House instead of Franklin, a scene like this could have spelled real trouble. But as it was, the mission was one of peace, homage and respect for a Denver man whose reputation as a friend of the Red Man has never diminished. That man is H. H. "Shorty Scout" Zietz. The purpose of this delegation of Sioux headed by Chief Red Cloud, a nephew of the great Sitting Bull, was to present Zietz with one of the tribe's most treasured trophies - the sword taken by the Sioux chief, Sitting Bull, from the body of General George A. Custer following the death of the last tropper at the Battle of Little Bighorn in 1876.

The small band of Indians rode fearlessly toward the Buckhorn Exchange Restaurant to be met by "Shorty Scout" Zietz. A touching ceremony ensued and the precious sword was turned over to Zietz forever. "This is a fitting gesture," said Chief Red Cloud, "and the end to a circle of friendship that began far out on the plains to the East where the great chief Sitting Bull himself gave you (Zietz) the name of "Shorty Scout."

It is well known that ever since he was a young man Zietz befriended the Indians and was trusted by them. As a scout ridinig with Buffalo Bill Cody in the 1870s he helped hunt food so the Indians wouldn't starve. In recent years, when the Indians came to Denver for the Stock Show, Zietz, who spoke four Indian dialects, fed them at no charge. He even allowed them to set up their tepees in the parking lot of his restaurant, making the lot briefly into an Indian camp site, complete with campfires every night.

It was because of his years of generosity and friendship to the Indians that Custer's long-missing sword was turned over to "Shorty Scout" yesterday. The nickname of "Shorty Scout" was pinned on Zietz by Sitting Bull in 1875-just one year before the famed battle that came to be known as "Custer's Last Stand," a battle in which over 260 cavalrymen were annihilated by Sioux and Cheyenne warriors led by Sitting Bull.

The sword, a military saber with the name "Custer" engraved on the blade, has belonged to the tribe since the death, in 1890, of Sitting Bull, who wished that it be given to Zietz. Custer was always a controversial figure, a West Pointer whose exploits in the Civil War were legendary and quickly led him up the ranks from Captain to General. It was Custer who stopped Lee at Appomattox and actually received the flag of truce from the great Confederate general.

It is truly ironic that his sword, the symbol of personal bravery, should eventually rest with a man who befriended his enemies."

So glad to have my son home! He's snoozing on the couch - a bit worn out.