Holidays

We left Wednesday night around 9:00 p.m. for North Carolina. We being, my daughter, and my son, and myself. I was sooo tired that we only made it to Knoxville and then stopped at a hotel. We spent the night there and got up the next morning and drove the rest of the way to Morganton to my mom's. When we arrived, I went with my mom to go get Clyde, her boyfriend, from the nursing home. We brought him back to her house for rum and egg nog. Later, we took him back. Upon return, at my mom's house, we then had, my oldest son, Craig, his 2 children, Caleb and Megan, his girlfriend Tammy and 2 of her children, Mattie and Megan, and my sister Kathie and her husband Steve and their son Danny and his wife Stephanie, and their daughter, Linsi. Oh my did we feast upon food and wine! I cannot remember the last time every single one of us laughed so much.

The next morning, my middle son, Anthony and my daughter Beth and I drove to Sugar Mountain. My children went snowboarding. I skied. Later, we met my oldest son Craig and his girlfriend Tammy and her daughter Mattie at a japanese steak house for dinner. Yes, in the middle of dinner, my mother called, wanting to know if we made back down the mountain safely.

The next morning, Saturday, my nephew Todd and his wife Rebecca and their 5 1/2 month old son Collier, and Todd's sister, Wendy and her husband Jay and their 2 year old son Will drove in from Pineville and Gastonia. We had lunch at my mom's with all 7 of my mother's grandchildren, beginning with the oldest Craig, Todd, Wendy, Danny, Anthony, Linsi, and Beth. This was the first meeting of my great nephews Collier and Will.

Later on, my sister Kathie and her daughter Linsi, and my son Anthony and my daughter Beth and myself went downtown the place I grew up - Morganton. It was such a lovely little town. We went to a little coffee shop and then walked amongst the little stores. Memories of a wonderful childhood! My son suggested, "Mom, you paint, aunt Kathie sews and makes handbags, and Linsi cooks and makes coffee - the 3 of you should go into business with all your unique talents and open your own shop!" Perhaps a quest to be considered in the future eh?

Anyway, we went back to my mom's and packed and left to come home around 5:00 p.m. The forecast called for snow in the mountains. Family - accepting and loving, yes, family rocks!

Love

What is there
other than love
which moves a being
to react

what is there
other than love
which moves a being
to react upon art

art
what is art
it is love
daring to be
whom we are
art
is love
daring to be
what exists
beyond reality

to rest upon
the realitiy upon
fuc..yes
i existed upon

TODAY

EXISTS

TODAY

I could go years...yea, it has been a long time ago. today jump what can i say except jump...it was a very long time ago...jump...oh my... the jump was so reinvorgating...

Spirit

Taking out of the spirit
and putting into the flesh
which is real
which is flesh

Taking out of the spirit
and into the flesh
recognizing both
as reality
as its best

Yet
feeling the spirit
into the flesh
oh my
it only comes alive
to be
what we desire it to be

taking out of the spirit
into the flesh
the magic
of human
at its best

love
that is what I call it
a different kind
a different meaning
yet
a love
that is what I call it

happiness
with no agendas
happiness
to be alive

love
taking out of the spirit
and placing
humanity
at its best

traditional
with all its meanings
traditional
to make one feel at home
traditional to know
the difference
in love
with manners
with respect
with carefullness
with quietness

yes
love
in all its glory
in all its majesty
there is only love
to be
to let be
in love

Self Portrait

http://www.myspace.com/sarin

18" x 24" Acrylic on Canvas

She's really pretty. The colors are my favorites. Yes, she is very pretty. Even though the eyes are bleeding blue, they are eyes of wisdom, only seeing through. Yes, she is very pretty.

I painted this portrait after seeing another blog. The blog had a picture of a ceiling painted with clouds. When I saw it, I thought it was real. I thought I was looking through glass. It was pretty. Very pretty.

Masturbation

18" x 24" Acrylic with ink on canvas

11-22-2008

What a week! It went by so fast with so much that it is just wow! We had rehearsal for the xmas party, which was soooo much fun. I have discovered that I absolutely love performing! Then we had our Thanksgiving dinner. All 5 pounds of my potatoes were gone. There was so much food. I, myself, only partaked a little. Watching those pounds here! In all actuality, it is not like I am "watching" anything. It is more like just alot. Jamie's husband deep fried the turkeys. One was creole butter and the other was roasted garlic & herb. Garlic and herb was my favorite. Seemed to melt in my mouth.

This morning when speaking with my mom, I told her I had asked Jamie if her husband would fry me a turkey. My mom got so excited. So did my kids. It was like, ok, grandma, your turkey "breast" is ok, but I heard that once you eat a fried turkey, you will never go back!!! So yes, Bill, Jamie's husband, is frying my turkey. I went out and bought the 12 pound turkey, the injectable roasted garlic and herb stuff, and the peanut oil. Bobby, my friend at food lion, helped me greatly!

The painting above, came after speaking with my mom this morning. I called her when I woke up this morning, around 7:30. She told me she still had her pajamas on (it was 8:30 there); she asked me if I did. I told her I was just putting my night clothes on for I sleep naked. She then informed me that "no, you can't sleep naked at my house".

Earlier this week, my mom had asked me, "you're not smoking again are you"? Damn. I cannot lie. I confessed that, "yes, being a single mom is rough, so yes, i do smoke to release the stresss". Oh my. This morning I "confessed" to my mom that I only smoked 1 cigarette today. I told her about visiting my friend, who found her friend's father dead. No, not a place of choice. Yet, it was a place. My friend, Sue, had experienced "something" which she did not choose, yet it existed. I listened. What else can one do? Anyway, back to the smoking, I smoked my friend's cigarette, coming home to none. I told my mom about "stresss", about "life", I then told her that I wasn't going to smoke again until after she died, my mom's response, "I'll come back to haunt you after I die". No, I haven't smoked since, nor is the "desire" in me.

Champagne & Mashed Potatoes

We are having our Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow at work. I signed up for "mashed potatoes". As I sat at the table peeling 5 pounds of potatoes with Beth and Daniel, my daughter asked me if I was excited about going to grandma's house in NC next week. After expressing a ?, I explained to Daniel how I was not like anyone in my family. We were all so different and we never knew how the trip might turn out. Beth then tells me that she wrote a story about "grandma", her father's mother in CA. She remembered how grandma would always give her a craft when we visited her. She said, "oh, I miss grandma". She died a couple of years ago. Beth said she never liked grandpa. She was always afraid of him. I then told her the story of the first time I met her grandma. It was back in 1985, when her father and I lived in NC. We had married in May of that year, and I flew out by myself to Walnut Creek to meet my new "in-laws" the following July. It was my first time on an airplane. I was very shy at the time. I was scared too death. My now ex did not go. After we were married in May, he left, I think it was in June to go on tour with Gary Morris. So, the trip was planned for me. Lucky for me, they served free champagne during the flight. By the time the flight ended, I think I knew every passenger on that plane. It was a hoot! So, when the plane landed, and I was greeted by my new in-laws, it was wonderful. The entire week I spent with them was amazing, and going to the city, San Francisco. I came home as a new person. A new found bravery. I had never travelled this far before, much less all by myself.

The following Christmas, my husband (now ex - so just keep that in mind when I refer to him as husband), my son from my first marriage, was 9 at the time, and myself flew out to CA for Christmas. Everything changed. So much fighting, arguing. I wasn't use to this new found state. My husband left to go back out on the road with Gary before our trip ended in CA, leaving me and my son there in CA. On new year's eve, the house was full of children and me and my in-laws. My mom-in-law called one of my husband's best friends, John, and asked him what he had planned for that evening. He said he was going dancing and so my mom-in-law asked him if he would take me. I was a little sad at the time, for my husband was out playing at a club, in another state, and there I sat with his parents and a house full of children. Anyway, John took me out dancing. I had so much fun just being around so many friendly people. I wasn't use to it. It seemed in CA, there is just an "air" of non-judgement there. At midnight, John kissed me on the cheek and I thanked him for entertaining me. We arrived back at my in-laws around 1:00 a.m. My mom-in-law was still up and she was mad and had been drinking quite a bit of champagne. She told me my husband had just called. I proceeded to call him back at his hotel. She told me "no". "You're not going to bother him now". She told me he said he just got back at the hotel and was going to bed. He told her to tell me he would talk to me the next morning. We argued and in the midst of the argument, it came out of her, "here it is 1:00 in the morning and you come in after partying with his best friend, while I've been stuck here babysitting your son". Whoa!!!! It was terrible. The next morning I called my husband (I tried calling him after she went to bed, but, he didn't answer his hotel phone). When I did get ahold of him, I told him what had happened and I wanted to change my flight and go home. He said no. The following morning as I laid in bed, his mother walked in and bowed down and said before kissing me on my forehead "I have to do this before I can go to church". My husband and family are Catholic. I knew nothing about the Catholic religion, being raised as a Baptist.

Telling this story took me to yet another story which I proceeded to tell. Daniel and Beth were asking questions along the way which prompted this next story. I had told Beth that during that Christmas visit that while her father was still there, we (the whole family) had a big fight on Christmas eve. My husband's sister had moved back into her parents' house. In her bedroom, she had posted a picture of my husband and his then financee. My daughter responds, "dad was engaged before meeting you"? Yes, I told the story of that engagement from what her dad had told me when we met. At that time, a few years before he met me, he was living with a girl named Linda. She looked very much like my husband's current wife. He was on the road with the Oak Ridge Boys and sending his paychecks home to Linda. Well, one day, he came home early from the road, a show was cancelled, and when he walked in, he walked in to find his best friend in his robe. Of course, that ended the engagement.

Now, today, I understand why my husband's mother reacted the way she did when I came in that new year's eve. I wonder if I realized that at the time and just forgot until I remembered the story again today.

The thing with these stories is that in passing down the stories to my children, I see so much clearly today. Actually, humorous. I know at the time the stories were unraveling they were very hurtful, experiencing all the emotional upheavals in their time. Yet, today, they just make sense.

Right after my divorce, while I was telling all these stories and many, many more to Dan, they were coming from a place of hurt, a place of resentment. It seems when you can tell the sad stories from a place of wisdom, not a place of healing, they no longer exist, except as a story about a "past" leading to wisdom.

It's funny how the last couple of years with my ex I spent putting together puzzles. My mother-in-law suggested crafts to me when I first married her son. At that time, I began latch hook. In all actuality, I was closer to her than my husband. It seemed she was the one who was always "here" for me since he spent the majority of our 20 some years on the road. It changed when I began telling her the real truth about what was going on. For whatever reason, a mother tends to only believe their child. That isn't true for me. But, anyway, as I was saying, I began putting puzzles together and then pasting them onto cardboard and hanging in our home. Today, looking back, it appears the entirety of my marriage with that man, was putting together pieces. When trust is lost, one has to put pieces together in order to try to make sense out of something which doesn't make sense. Or, is that true with life in general? It appears, being the curious one, I have always tried to put the pieces together. Now, seeing the "big picture", it makes sense.

Hugging

I met my young, married friend today at my house for lunch. As we were chatting about "work", we spoke about how we are both working, yet our main passion was not in our jobs. I immediately recalled his passion for performing/singing. Now, that passion has changed to something else. My friend has many passions! Anyway, I asked him to sing for me. He explained how he had to have his "things", his instruments, his "space" surrounding him in order to sing. He could not just "sing" on the spot. I then thought about my paintings and how difficult it is to paint when someone else is around. Yet, I realized my paintings, themselves, arrive from everything in my "space", yet, "focusing" for whatever reason, on that one thing. Interesting. It appears my young, married friend is teaching me about "commitment", realizing I have a tendency not to want to commit to a relationship.

I took the picture of the flowers yesterday. This morning, there remains only the red one. They are dragon daisies.

What I especially enjoy about my young friend is the fact that we can enjoy each other, speaking freely of whatever comes to mind, and respecting boundaries (he is sooo in love with his wife). I've never experienced that type of relationship. A relationship built upon trust. I think FRIEND is the key word here.

Also, what I enjoyed most about my friend's meeting at my home, was the fact that it wasn't planned. During our "texting", I mentioned what I had cooked the previous day, which turned out to be something he thoroughly enjoyed. I offered it to him. So after that it was just now. Ok, leaving NOW, meet you, ok? Spontaneous living. Something I have always done. No thinking, no manipulating, just doing. Such a wonderous way of life. Perhaps, only adding from what was to what is. The majesty of life becoming.

Humping

This rabbit showed up at my house today. Painting is 18" x 24" - Acrylic and ink on canvas.

Dishes

I had a very strange but calming dream last night. My daughter and I were at a hotel which had a very nice restaurant attached to it. It was like an art museum. When we walked into the restaurant, everyone was really friendly. I ran into someone I knew. He had been hired to cook there for one night. We kissed. The menu was some sort of fish, I think. All I recall now is the "friendly atmosphere" with everyone helping each other.

Not sure where this dream arrived from. I talked to my oldest son last night. He was at the skating rink with my grandchildren and his girlfriend. Also spoke to Megan, my 13 year old grandaughter for the first time in a long time. She was happy. She told me about her boyfriend who is black. Her father doesn't like him. I am so looking forward to seeing them Thanksgiving.

After talking to my mom this morning, I started thinking about my great aunt Sallie again. She lived in Wilmington, NC. When I was little, growing up in Morganton, NC, every summer and sometimes at Christmas, we would visit my grandparents. My father's mother lived in Wilmington, whereas my mother's mother and father lived in Leland, about 8 miles from Wilmington. My sister and my brother would stay with our mother in Leland. My father would stay in Wilmington. Anyway, my great aunt Sallie, my mom's father's sister (half Cherokee) lived in a house in Wilmington. My mom would go and visit her for lunch. My mom would always take me with her (my sister didn't like going). Aunt Sallie fascinated me. She was old, walked with a cane, yet seemed very mysterious. Was always dressed fancy. The lunch she would prepare for us I do not remember other than tea and something I did not like. That is probably why I don't recall what the actual meal was. Just spoke with my mother who told me aunt Sallie would make us fried chicken. She also told me she would always make a fire in her fireplace. Also, told me that aunt Sallie's last name was "McCord". My mom said her husband was a barber and they called him "Mack". My mom could not recall his real name. She even said she didn't think she ever knew his real name. He died shortly after they were married. I do remember her house very vividly. It was quaint filled with many fineries. What I enjoyed the most, after lunch, aunt Sallie would put an album on her old phonograph. It was one of those really, really old ones, which you had to "wind up".

When aunt Sallie died, my mom's sister's (aunt Sissy) children, the two sisters (not the brother) went and took everything they wanted out of aunt Sallie's house. I remember the family fighting over it.

Anyway, the dishes posted here is what aunt Sallie gave me before she died. Just like I remember aunt Sallie as being, the dishes are very, very old, yet, shined up, very fancy. I am missing one cup and one saucer. My ex broke the saucer before we were married, and broke the cup after we were married. The "angel" in the photograph was a gift from my ex-mother-in-law who died a few years ago. She gave it to me for Christmas the year after my brother died.

Deletion

After deleting a very, very ugly remark on my last post, I ran out to the store to get soup for my daughter, who is recovering from having all 4 of her wisdom teeth removed. She brought 2 of them home in a bag. Was wondering why the surgeon saved them for her, when I realized that I have all of my children's baby teeth saved in a bag, from where the "tooth fairy" would place money under their pillows, and retrieve the tooth. Anyway, coming back home from the store, as I turned down one street, a car was stopped at the stoplight. I heard "shouting" and turned to see a man violently striking a woman and the woman desperately trying to get away from him. Instantly, flashes appeared. Flashes of my past. Violence is terrible. Instant reactions. Coming home to my "safe haven" was so pleasing. Yet, those "flashes" of memory, those "de ju vous" can be just as painful. Until, I stop and look around at the reality of my home now. The essence is overwhelming. Every ounce of "love" overflows. Yet, to get there, you have to see both sides, at least, that was the way it was for me.

Back again to reality, I talked with my mom this morning. She was telling me about how there were so many leaves in her yard. She said my oldest son, Craig, mowed them last week, but the yard is covered yet again. Then she tells me the story of all the acorns from her Oak tree. She said that it is a "sign" of a hard winter. That made me want to go outside and take pictures of all the beautiful, colorful trees surrounding me, even though I live in the city. Now, that I think about it, I will have to go back and ask her where that "sign of a hard winter" came from. I wonder where she learned that?

My younger son just left. He just left the MTSU game and stopped by here to eat on his way to the Vanderbilt-Gators game. He brought with him, his friend Brandon. At the very moment they arrived, the scene from "Harry Meets Sally" was on - it was the scene where Sally was "faking" an orgasm. What an ice opener! I had never met this friend before. He was so big, like a football player, very well built. Senior at MTSU. He is going to University of Florida when he graduates from MTSU to be an "exercise scientist". We hit it off big time in conversing. He loved my paintings, told me his grandmother painted "nature". Anyway, what impressed me so much, was when he left, he hugged me. My head rested on his chest! A young man so full of life, yet, so full of respect for his elders. Watching my children grow. Watching their life expand to the mysteries of all that life entails. What a wonderful life it is!

Safe Haven

My daughter Beth, her proper name, Mary Elizabeth, had her wisdom teeth removed today. It has been a day of removing/replacing gauze, with the addition, of ibuprofen and pain pills, timing. It was also a day of discovering. Discovering how people's lives intertwine. Receiving "flesh and bones" and "friends and lovers" emails from my friend, Bill. Discovering freedom of spending time with my young, married friend. Taking in the young, the old, and all the inbetween. Shifting realities. Discovering the difference in the old (wise) and the young (learning). What's left inbetween? No spaces left. Tuning was brought up by my friend Bill.

Now, my home is filled with teenagers. There is so much love surrounding us. Love, an essential, just like freedom. Freedom to "choose" that love.

And yes, my ex paid his half of the cost of the surgery, irregardless to his wife's wishes. Perhaps it has to do with "child support review", TN law stating that child support is to be reviewed once a year, listing any unpaid medical bills, and withholding income tax return money if there are any unpaid medical bills, (which happened once before) or perhaps it has to do with being human. Does one act upon the law, or upon being human? At this point, I have to wonder, what so called "hillbilly " is really out of their mind, yet knowing why. Again, I lived that life. I "chose" to go to the other side. The side of truth, the side of beauty recognizing "darkness" when it appears.

Nope - couldn't do it. Do not desire to be "attached" with so much heavy negative "space". Overwhelming for me - kinda like shaking off that which is no longer needed. It had to go.

Out of the Red

Even though I colored my hair red

it does not mean that I am out of the blue

feeling like a "minority"

is hard

to say the least

judgements made

for who I am

not belonging to the red

yet

point is made

red discriminates

making one feel less

than one who one is

in a foreign country here

where I disagree

with everyone else

red stands

but

with a blue heart

sharing

not declaring

yet innocently

seeking

truth

to be a part

of history

in its making

change

don't follow leaders of

long ago

let go

surrender

to the love

which one shares

not surrending to power

which one dares

I do believe in love

I believe in humanity

of the goodness of this earth

rising from existence

of history

learning

not destroying

the heartfelt

of sharing

not declaring

humanity

at its worst

not being

one of politics

yet

this country seeks

democracy

going into the blue

the blue, blue waters

of history

make it better

for your children

to live a life

of

serenity

peacefulness

when debates

are abolished

such a circus

they are out there

search inside

find the blue

the blue pearl

of humanity

reaching

inside

Trick or Treating

A Gift of Being

Sometimes gifts come in strange packages
in a world of disagreement
even though
in the long haul
they mean absolutely the same
a slave
trying to be free
the master
trying to be free
of controlling the slave

When worlds intertwine
it can be disheartening
to say the least

Yet
the meaning remains the same
the "gift"
the gift of becoming who you are

Each and every day
to wake up to something new
each and every day
trying just to be "you"

Realizing yourself
you are perfect
just as you are

No more striving
no more heckling
as the hens did in those days

There is nothing in me
except
me

and me
is perfect
just the way
I
am

I will not bow down
to suit you
nor
will you do the same
the world
is made
of unique
beings
only
desiring
to be free

So
what is freedom?
Freedom to be
without ridicule
for being who you are

Yet,
my famous words
there is always ridicule
for everyone does not see as thee

Soooo,
accept all
reject which is not needed
and continue on

to live
to love
to be
life is such a mystery