Look Where I Am

My son sent me this pic yesterday. Continental Divide. He sure looks like he is on top of the world! Delighted my heart to see him so happy. Sent pic to a friend who is under the weather. It perked him right up! The beauty of snow!

I realized this week the beauty of love and joy. Did so by experiencing the dark. Being able to separate lightness and darkness by experiencing both at the same time made it easy to guide my heart. Being true to myself. I follow my bliss.

Bejeweled2:I Can Taste You

I find such beauty in a penis. Maybe it's because I don't have one. But the symbol it represents, creation of life, is fascinating to me. To find the delicacy of it fitting exactly inside of me. The pleasure it brings...amazing. I just read a book, "DMT The Spirit Molecule. It said that the life force enters a being at 45 days of conception. At the same time, gender is decided. A truly interesting book.

Morning

Perhaps it is the aftermath of the full moon. This morning is so full of life, so full of energy. Everything is absolutely perfect. The intensity of the life force. Happiness in nothingness. Who knows. A friend in another state is experiencing extreme lightning. We, on the other hand, appear to be preparing for the storm. Crispness in the air. Change of seasons. It is divine.

Bejeweled:Without The Penis

12" x 12" Glitter with Ink and Acrylic on Canvas

To love a busy man

takes the breath of me

To love a busy man

facing reality

His heart is made of gold

His life

lost in reality

To love a busy man

takes the breath of me

What is reality

What is commitment

What is love

Major questions

at least for me

Follow the soul

can be done

Let life play out

as it will

And you will see

reality

Choices to make

love to choose

I know

who loves me

Children come first

in reality

Is life an illusion?

Only if you make it

life is real

as the shimmering water

feeds the flower

growing

expanding

loving

nature

all is well

Politicians

take your flight

for this is not your night

Politicians

suck like hell

causing everyone to rebell

Commercials condemning

reflecting

ohhhh

what can I say

I hate politics

anyway

I'd rather paint

and write my silly poems

than be a part

of something

in the norm

That is me

expressing

dealing with

life's reality

Chapter 7 - Moment of Truth

The year 2003 through 2004 was my most difficult year. He left or rather, he just didn't come home in June, 2003 and we divorced in April, 2004. It was horrific. It was harder than when my dad died and my brother died. He was killing me and my kids daily. I can't relive that year. I don't want to relive that year. The years following are more important. I learned to love myself again. I learned so much and am still learning but more importantly, I am living.

Funny, my ex would say to me, quite often, when I asked him a question, "are you writing a book, call it a mystery and leave that chapter out".

Yes, I did discover the mystery. Many mysteries. I have always been a curious creature and it feels so good to be able to be me once again. Have also discovered to protect myself from predators.

As far as love, as Dan once said to me, "I have all the love I need in my life", now I can say, "so do I".

Zoo

My daughter Beth got a job working at the zoo 3 weeks ago. My friend Donna and I enjoyed yesterday playing at the zoo. It was a beautiful day!

Moment of Truth - Chapter 6

I remember around the winter holidays, I got gravely ill. My ex did not like it when I was sick. He left me in the bed and took the kids out to see the lights. While he was gone, I got even sicker, ended up on the floor in our den. I called 911. When they arrived, they said I had no pulse. My ex and kids then arrived. He took me to the emergency room asking me the whole time, "what did you take"?. I hadn't taken anything. They admitted me. That night, a lady was brought into my room. It was on my birthday. The woman died. I laid there beside the dead lady for a very long time. I was diagnosed with some kind of intestinal infection. It took me weeks to get well. I actually had thoughts of wondering if he was putting something in my food to make me sick.

It is now 2002. The summer. My ex has invited Bob over. I thought he was gorgeous when I first laid eyes on him. My ex suggested I fix him up with a girl I work with. I did. They were both invited to our house and we sat around the campfire. It didn't work out for either of them. Right before this, our friend, Fletcher had been killed in an airplane crash. My ex worked with Fletcher when he was working with Hootie and the Blowfish. Fletcher was always good to me but I knew not to talk openly about my ex with him. He was "controlled" by my ex. Bob continued to come over and hang out and go swimming. Sometimes my ex would leave when he was here to run errands. Bob and I became close. He was grieving from a lost love. I was just grieving, yet, he was putting the spark back into my life. I fell in love with him. The first man I ever loved. I was never unfaithful throughout my entire marriage. I told my ex that Bob was replacing Fletcher. He turned to me and said, "Bob is no Fletcher." I knew then not to talk well of Bob. I could not stop thinking about Bob. I would find excuses to go to the office just so I could see him.

Then, we had a superbowl party. My husband invited everything he worked with over to the house. I was so excited. I had a plan. I drank beginning at 3:00 a whole bottle of wine. Bob was sitting on the love seat and I sat beside him, trying to kiss him. Bob was laughing at me. My daughter went and told her father and her brother. They came in the rec room and sat down and asked me what I was doing. I told them that me and Bob were on a date. This was my way of trying to tell my husband I wanted out. I feared telling him. The next morning, it was passed off as me having too much to drink and my husband making a joke of it with my husband telling him if it happened again, he would be on Jerry Springer.

Then, me and Bob began emailing. We emailed daily getting to know one another. I still hadn't told Bob how badly my ex treated me. I would just say he was not a very nice person and not go into detail. For 20+ years, I protected my husband. I kept the secret. Anthony would protect Beth when the fights occurred. He would take her to another room and keep her pre-occupied.

After this episode with Bob, I would get my husband to go to hear Bob play. He was playing at It's All Good Cafe. My ex invited Bob and his roommate over one night. Me and Bob were in the living room alone and he suddenly kissed me. First time any man had kissed me like that in 20+ years. I melted. Bob is so kind and gentle. Exact opposite of my ex. My ex was continually putting me down in front of the other guys. He had invited them over to have a picking session but all my ex would play was Grateful Dead. I turned it off. My ex said, "you suck". He turned it back on and he said, "oh that's right, you don't".

One night before we were getting ready to go hear Bob play, I overheard my husband talking on the phone to Bob's roommate. He was saying it was embarrassing how his wife is all over Bob. In the meantime, my husband was constantly pretending to be great friends of Bob's, yet telling me all kinds of bad things about him. He told me Bob was just a wanna be drummer and he told Bob's boss, the owner of the company, the same thing. He told me he told Bob's boss that Bob wasn't doing a good job and that he also was doing cocaine. He told me he wanted Bob's job.

I finally told my husband I wanted out. He told me I would lose everything. I would lose the house and the kids. It was terrible. This was in May. Finally, he calmed down. He went on the road in June. We decided we would sit down together and tell the kids. They were both in CA at this time visiting their grandparents. In the meantime, my husband has told his parents. He told them I was having an affair. My kids are picking up bits and pieces of this in CA. When they got home, my husband told the kids the same thing, that I was having an affair with Bob. He never came home after that. He told me he was staying at the office and living in his car. He wanted an amicable divorce. We had $30,000 in an annuity we had taken out for Anthony's college when Anthony was born. He told me when the check came, to let him know and we would split it. Me and Bob were still emailing. My husband is telling Bob that I want my husband back. My husband stops coming to the house when I am not here to visit our kids. He said it's too painful. Later, Anthony told me his dad told him when the check came, to give it to him because it was his money. When the check did arrive, I took it to the bank and opened up a savings account and placed it in that account. I was sticking to our agreement, we would split it, but it would be through the courts, not his word.

He has an attorney, I don't yet. He is telling me that he will pay $300 a month child support. That he needed to buy a house and have a place for our kids to come visit him. He still isn't aware that Bob and I are emailing. Now he is telling me that he can't see the kids on weekend because he has to work. Bob tells me he is not scheduled to work. My kids are caught up terribly in the middle of this. I feared he would take the kids from me, yet, in turn, he didn't want them.

Before this, the summer of 2002 when my ex got the job at the sound company, he began going to the doctor. First he told me they thought it was lyme disease. Backing up, when he worked for the band from my hometown when we first met, they told me he told them he had hodgen's disease. That was how he got out of doing heavy lifting and loading of the truck. Then it became MS. Multiple sclerosis. His parents came to visit that christmas holiday, right after I had kissed Bob. He put down Bob to his parents. I had a bone intensity test that day. He didn't go to work because he wanted to stay home with his parents. The owner of the sound company, called and left a message wanting to know where he was. They didn't answer. He called back after I got home and I picked up the phone. My husband had me tell him that he was having tests done that day. I described what was done to me to him. I quit lying for him that day. He began telling his boss that he has MS. During the divorce, I had to take Anthony to the doctor, who was also his father's doctor. Anthony told the doctor that his father said he had MS. He asked the doctor if that were true. The doctor replied, "If it's not a life threatening illness, I cannot discuss with family members". To this day, he still implies he has MS.

Moment of Truth - Chapter 5

The year of 1994 thru 1995 were busy years. The kids were keeping me busy. Nothing outstanding is appearing to me. Mostly baseball games. Taking Beth in her stroller to the game while her father was a coach. Not alot of intimacy taking place in these years. Yet, not alot of fighting. Hard fighting. We were hanging out with Mike and Donna. Mike was also a coach. Alot of partying going on. Then, suddenly, 2 days before Christmas, 1995, my brother died. Everything changed. My ex would not take me or let me go to be with my family until after Christmas. I have no memory of if he or the kids even went with me. My clearest memory is the night I got there, I slept with my mom, holding her in my arms as she wept all night long.

I remember shortly after, my best childhood friend came to Nashville from NC to stay with me. Beth was 2. My friend, Wanda, still to this day, recalls how Beth appeared at the bathroom door holding a carton of eggs and just began smashing them to the floor. Wanda stayed longer than expected. She got snowed in. The trip did Wanda good also. Her marriage of 18 years had ended. Her husband had been seeing another woman. Wanda could not stand my husband.

Afterwards, I began seeing a therapist. My husband was cold and distant. Kept telling me to get over it. This therapist was good for you, yet I did not listen but it stuck. He told me my husband would never change. I went to see him for about 3 months maybe.

After my brother died, my menstrual cycle ended. My gynecologist told me I was going through early menopause. I was only 44. She put me on hormones where I bled and bled and bled. Finally, towards the end of the year, she did a complete hysterectomy. I recall my husband being gone and me recovering and taking care of the kids at the same time. I remember taking them out trick or treating on Halloween. During this period, I had no desire for sex. I started making excuses. I stopped talking to my husband. I stopped fighting with him. I simply didn't care anymore. I played with my kids and played the part of the nice wife who kept her mouth shut.

In 1998, while my husband was in Lake Tahoe, I went and traded my old car, and bought my SUV, and put it in my name. I got a job, where I currently work and I had a plan. Sub-consciously, I knew I had to get away from him or he would literally kill me. I would hide "get away" money, clothes, extra key, etc. I began writing in my diary everything which was happening. I despised that man. I wanted out. But I knew I had to wait for my kids to be older.

Shortly after I began working, I got a phone call at work. It was a man at Food Lion telling me I needed to come and get my kids. He replied, "if you don't want them to see their father being arrested, you need to come and get them". I had to tell my supervisor what I was doing. I went and got my kids. He had been stealing meat for awhile now. They had a video camera on him the whole time. He was switching meat prices. Today, at work, that is a long time joke when I say I can't afford meat these days. They will reply, "yea, cause you divorced your ex". I don't know why he would steal all the time. He would steal souveneirs. One day I got a call from the Piggly Wiggly, he had been caught stealing cigarettes. Before that, he was kicked out of that same Piggly Wiggly that had moved. He got caught putting meat in his pants. When Restless Heart broke up, he stole all the equipment from the bus and put in our shed out back. He told me they gave it to him. I found out the truth after the divorce. One of the band members came and took pictures of all of it. He asked me why I didn't call sooner. I told him the truth. I didn't know. I could go on and on about all the stuff he has stolen, including money.

I was being abused at home and the first years at my job were very difficult. I had terrible supervisors at that time. So when they fussed at me, I thought it was true because my husband was constantly calling me names and putting me down.

One night, we had a party here at my house. Alot of nurses came. My husband just disappeared during it. My daughter told me he was going to Wendy's to get the kids burgers. She wanted to go with him, but he said no, thank goodness. He pulled out in front of car and totalled our van. Had to put steel pins in his ankle. He was a terrible person to have to take care of. He was always trying to get me to get the doctor to give him more pain pills. If I was sick, he would steal my pain pills. After about a week or so after the accident and taking care of him, my friend Becky, asked me to come to her house and she'd buy a 6 pack of beer. I asked my husband, and being that Becky was the wife of the bus driver for Restless Heart, he let me go. I left in the afternoon and returned around 8. He was furious. He came after me. Beth remembers when he knocked me down and when he walked by me, I grabbed his crutch and hit him. She tells that story. In the meantime, I had called my friend Becky and when she appeared at the front door, all she saw was my face on the floor because he was behind me holding me back. Police came again that night. They had been to our house quite often during the years. Again, I did not press charges. He terrified me.

In the year of 2002, we added on to our home. Built a swimming pool, rec room, extra bathroom, bedroom and an office. My husband had finally gotten off the road. The following year, everything was completed. He was working for a sound company here in town. His boss was Bob.

Moment of Truth - Chapter 4

At this point in our lives, after my father's death, my ex is working with Restless Heart. They were good to us. They played on a cruise ship at the end of the year. Wives were invited. It was terrible. My ex-s parents flew out to take care of Anthony. I missed him so much. On this cruise, I was accused of making a pass at my husband's best friend. What I was actually doing, was crying out for help. Nobody would believe me. Everyone thought he was wonderful. We had even gone years earlier for counseling and the counselor, who was male, was so dazzled with the fact that he worked for Gary Morris, that he didn't bother listening to me. I gambled and won on the cruise. My ex cashed in my chips. We rode the porter boat to St. Thomas. I threatened to jump overboard. He was mad at me because I was sick. I had been up all night. He said I had drank too much. I was drinking coffee with Bailey's Liquor. I looked him straight in the eye and told him I was pregnant.

When we got home from the cruise, I took the pregnancy test and sure enough, I was pregnant. I told him and he responded with "shit". Again, we still fought. Again, he flew his mom to stay with me and he was on the road. She was due July 12. She came like both my sons, 10 days early. He was in Canada when I went into labor and flew home. He took me to the hospital that night and we discovered it was false labor. The next day, July 12, over a 100 degrees outside, he made me walk and walk and walk around the block. I would have to stop every few minutes because I was in labor. I told him I hated him and I would never forgive him for this. Finally, he drives me to the hospital. But drives around the parking lot until HE is certain the baby is coming. When we got inside, they had me hold my legs together and not push until my doctor got there. He was at a party. Finally, he arrives and Beth arrives. I had to immediately get a shot of antibiotics because infection had set in. Later that night, I call my oldest son to tell him he had a sister. Craig, 19, had moved back to NC after my dad died to help my mom. He then tells me, "guess what, you have a grandbaby". He met someone in a club and they got married the same night.

They drove to TN the next day. His "new wife" was terrible. Both were on drugs. After they went back to NC, my sister called me and asked me if I knew where Craig was but if I did not to tell me, my sister is a social worker in NC. It seemed his new wife did not have custody of the child and her and Craig had crossed state lines.

This now reminds me of the story when Anthony was born. My ex's mom was driving my car with Craig to come and pick us up at the hospital. She asked Craig at a intersection, "anything coming", Craig said "no", and she pulled out and was hit by oncoming car.

Back to Craig and his adventure with this woman, don't remember much of anything other than the fact they had the marriage annulled.

My daughter Beth was a wonderful baby. She was always happy and smiling. I stayed home with her until she began kindergarten.

The first of the year after she was born, we had a terrible ice storm. We had to stay at a hotel for a few days. We had no electricity in our home. That was terrible. The 4 of us in a tiny hotel room with the father being pissed off. The night before, I had called one of his friends in the band to come and get him away from us. Writing all of this today, makes me feel so lucky. My life today is absolutely wonderful.

Will continue "my story" a little later. Remembering Beth as a beautiful baby takes me to a nice spot of wonderful memories of her. Until, I remember the ice storm and the rest of the year which follows.

This is the time that my ex has prostate cancer. We were sitting outside one day and the phone rang. I answered it. This woman asked to speak to my husband. I told him it was a woman and it was for him. I always had to screen his phone calls for him. He asked me to ask who it was. I asked her. She told me. She said she had met him in TX and she flew in to Nashville and wanted to meet him for drinks. He said he didn't know her. I told her he said he didn't know her. She then said, "is this the same (repeated his name) who is dying from prostate cancer"? I said he doesn't have cancer. When confronting my husband, he told me Restless Heart was getting ready to fire him and he told them he had cancer. So they didn't fire him. I would hear messages from the road manager, oh, I guess you're not there, probably going for your chemo.

Moment of Truth - Chapter 3

We moved into an apartment in Brentwood in Oct., 1985. The fighting continued even worse. I was in a strange city not knowing anyone. My son was going to stay in NC to finish his school year, but missed me alot, and my parents brought him to me in November. So as my husband travelled, I was busy working and taking my son back and forth to school and to sport events and practices. Every time the phone would ring, my husband to check on me and Craig, it would end in fighting. When he would come home, we would fight. The fighting was so bad that the neighbor who lived underneath us would beat the ceiling with a broomstick. I never believed a word he would tell me. It never added up. He was on the road 255 days a year for almost the entirety of our marriage.



In March, 1985, we bought our house in Nashville. He was on the road when we moved, so my father and brother-in-law drove from NC to Nashville to help me and my son move. I didn't like this house. I missed my home in NC. I missed my family. I missed my life. A few weeks after we moved, I discovered I was pregnant. I was so excited but scared. I did not want to raise another child alone. Craig's father also abused me badly. I left him when Craig was 8 months old. With my husband travelling so much, I knew I would go through the pregnancy alone. Then one day, when I was about 7 months pregnant, my husband came home and told me he wanted a divorce. Just said, "this isn't working for me". I cried. I begged. He left and went back out on the road shortly after this conversation. I remember being outside and mowing the grass. Tears running down my cheeks. I did not know what I was going to do. When my husband came home, we made up. Our son Anthony was due December 26. My husband (actually my ex which I am referring to him as husband because that it what he was at the time, I'm sure anyone who bothers reading this can figure that out), anyway, he was gone that month on a Christmas tour in CA. He flew his mother from CA to TN to stay with me. It was terrible. She told me I was a hard person to live with because she would hear me fighting on the phone with my husband. She also wanted to clean. She had me lay on my bed as she went through my closet throwing out what I didn't want. She had me on the floor below her while she was throwing out things from my attic. I was crying. At the time, I was in labor and did not know it. I remember she actually threw out my remote control to the t.v. by mistake. I found it in one of the throw away boxes. When she was finished in the attic, I went to the bathroom. I thought I was just peeing but it turned out my water had broken. It was 9 a.m. I wanted my husband with me. He said he would fly home when I had the baby. We got to the hospital and I told the doctor to prolong the labor...I wanted my husband with me, not my mother-in-law. It could not be prolonged, he had to speed it up. At the time I did not know why. My son was born at 3:46 p.m. My husband arrived around 10, which is the first time I got to see my son. He was having respiratory problems and was in the incubator.



We came home the next day. My husband left to fly back to CA. My son was 10 days early. He came on December 6. My mother-in-law stayed. My husband came home right before Christmas, and left New Year's Eve.



During this period of our lives, the fighting grew worse. Anthony had the colic. He couldn't stand the crying. After Anthony got older, my husband would joke that Anthony almost cost us to get a divorce. A few times when we would fight, I would take Anthony and run out the door, down the street, and hide in the bushes. I stayed home with Anthony until the year before he started kindergarten. I was miserable. I wanted to work. Anthony did not like daycare. It was difficult.

Before Anthony was born, right after we first moved into our house, we got in a fight. I grabbed my keys and purse and left in my car. I actually got lost and had to call one of the guys in Gary's band to help me find my way back home. I would do that a few times until he would beat me to it. He would take our cordless home phone, (didn't have cell phone then), my keys, my car and purse and leave me alone in my house.

One night after work, my husband was home and wanted to go out to eat. I did not want to. I was tired and felt "ugly". He insisted and had Craig babysit Anthony. At the restaurant, he was his normal charming self. Flirting openly as he always did with the waitress. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. Afterwards, on the drive home, we got into a fight. He was driving down interstate and was hitting me. I was telling him to pull over so I could get out. He wouldn't. I was trying to open the door. It was opening and closing. That's how bad I wanted to get away from him. Finally, blue lights behind us and he pulls over. I take off walking. The officer yells, "stop". I kept going. My husband yells, "Holly, stop, he's got a gun pointing at you". I stopped. I told the officer what had happened. The officer said we could not leave together. One of us had to go to jail. My husband told him he was on probation. The officer said he would go back to prison. So I was arrested. Illegal to walk on interstate. I was held in a holding cell until my husband sent a friend to get me out.

Then, shortly after, I find out that my father has colon cancer. Was given a year to live. All the attention was then focused on my dying father. Yet, the fighting continued. He never comforted me.

A year later, my husband had his mom once again fly to Nashville. This time she stayed with my kids while my husband drove me halfway to NC, where my brother-in-law, met us and took me the rest of the way. He then left on the road. It was horrible watching my father die. Having to change his diapers. He died a week later. My husband came the day of the funeral and took me home right after it was over. His attitude - done, over with, get over it.

Moment of Truth - Chapter 2

This lifestyle - the fighting, yelling, screaming continued. He got a job working at a car wash. Then one day, his mom called from CA. She told him Gary Morris' manager wanted to talk to him. So he calls his manager and an interview is set up in Nashville. We drove to Nashville. He tells his manager we are married. We go back to NC. A few weeks later, he learns he gets the job. He then came home one day and tells me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. He placed a diamond engagement ring in my hand. He said he "found it" at the car wash. We then discuss moving to Nashville. At the time, we were both attending college. The state was paying me to study computer data management. He was taking engineering. So, anyway, he asked me to marry him. I said yes. My father flipped out. Especially when I told him we were moving to Nashville. My father said, "who's going to help you when he beats you up in Nashville?". I told my father he had changed. Everything would be alright. His mother tried to talk me out of marrying him. His sister tried to talk him out of marrying me. Obviously, we didn't listen.

We drove to Gaffney, SC, about 2 hours away. The judge wasn't there. Should have been a really big "flag" then. We went back the next day and were married by the justice of the peace. Then the road trips began. I put my house up for sale. Gave my notice at work where I had worked for 10 years.

One weekend, he brought his laundry in. I began sorting it out. I found a woman's pair of panties, but of course, that was the night when one of the guys he roomed with had a woman with him and must have got tangled up in his clothes.

Then one weekend, Friday, September 13, 1985, 5 months after getting married, he decided to drive my car to Georgia where the band was playing. He left so I had to get a ride to work and back. After work, the girl who was driving, decided to stop at the Holiday Inn where a band was playing. I danced. I recall thinking to myself, it is ok for men and women to just be friends even though they are married. I danced with this one man. I was telling him all about my wonderful life and my husband. My friend who had driven me there left early so this kind man offered to drive me home. He took me to Shoney's where he fed me but seemed really anxious to leave in a hurry. We left and on the way to my house, he pulled into an empty dairy lot saying he had to pee. He got out to pee and when he got back into the car, he proceeded to rip my clothes and rape me saying I was asking for it and he was going to kill me. I was able to get away from him and ran. A passerbyer stopped and gave me a ride home. I called the rape center. The next day when I got home, my biggest fear was telling my husband. He took me to the emergency room where I was checked out and given the after pill. I gave the policeman all the information I knew about the rapist. They never caught him and that night totally changed my whole life. I took a very long time before I could make love to my husband. He then turned very angry, accusing me of asking for it, stating I enjoyed it. This continued throughout the duration of our 19 year marriage.

Immediately after this incident occurred, my house sold. I used the money I made to pay off my husband's restitution pay so he could leave the state , and paid the down payment on our home, the home I remain in today.

Moment of Truth - Chapter 1

This morning was absolutely a moment of truth. So many questions were answered for me. One question remains....why did Bob walk away from me that night?

Who is Bob? Bob is the only man that gave me the strength and courage to leave my ex-husband. The story begins...

When I met my ex, he was a charmer. It was at a club in early 1982. He had just flown into NC from CA. He was the sound guy for the band. At the time, my boyfriend, who was the lighting guy for the band, had just told me he wanted to date other people. I cried on my ex's shoulder. I was condemning all men at the time. He just kept saying, "what about me, what's wrong with me"? I ignored him. The night ended. I went home. Later on, I began dating other men. During those months, my friend who was married to the drummer of that band, kept calling me and telling me that my ex wanted to see me again. Finally, in July, I agreed. Now here is the truth that I didn't know at the time....he had been busted for selling cocaine and was going to prison. At the time, he told me he was set up and that he sold the cocaine for the band to an undercover narc. That was a lie. It was his. He then told me he had to go to Jacksonville, NC to court and asked me if I wanted to go and we could spend a few days there on the beach. I agreed. We did not leave until after midnight. Finally, when we departed, I learned that he did not have a driver's license. So I had to drive all night long 8 hours. When we got there, he wanted to go to a strip club, but I said no. The next morning, he left for court. He did not return. Oh, the other big lie. He told me he had hodgen's disease and 6 months to live. Yes, big lie. The truth is the guys in the band told him to get with me and I would take care of him. Yes, such a sucker I was. His attorney brought me his briefcase and luckily there was enough money in it to pay hotel bill and gas for me to get home. I stopped by the jail and talked to him through a glass. He was crying and asking me to get him a lawyer to get him out. He was shipped to maximum security jail in Raleigh, I believe it was. I drove 4 hours to visit him - because he asked me to. Finally, I got a lawyer for him and he was shipped to a minimum security prison 30 minutes away from my home, which I had built myself, and lived with my then 9 year old son. I was working full time for the State of NC.

For 6 months, I asked my parent's to keep my son every Saturday telling them I was going shopping, when in fact, I was visiting my ex in prison, bringing him food and cigarettes. For 6 months he would call me collect every night. For 6 months, we wrote letters every day. He proposed marriage to me while he was in prison.

Another incident which should have been a flag to me, on my phone bill, there was a collect call made to Michigan from the prison. I was furious. Money was tight already for me. The call was made on Christmas Day. He told me he called his aunt to say Merry Christmas. He was only allowed to make 1 call a day. During this period, he would miss calling me. Later, on other phone bills, the days he did not call me, were calls to his "aunt". I realize today that I simply did not want to see the truth.

Finally, January 3, on his mother's birthday, who was so grateful that I was there to help her son, he was released. I picked him up at the prison and he moved straight into my home. When I finally told my parents, where I really was going on those Saturdays, my dad remarked as he threw down the book he was reading, "boy, Holly you can pick 'em!".

His mother sent him $600 when he got out of prison. He bought a guitar. He got a job with the same band. At a show one night, I passed by the men's bathroom and the door opened which I saw him snorting cocaine. Then a girl asked me if I was paying for the beers he was buying. Yes, it was on my tab. She then thanked me for he had been buying hers. I, again, was furious. We fought when we got home. He grabbed me by my hair and threw me up against the wall. That's all I can remember about that night.

Being my curious self, plus the fact, I started getting hang-ups on the phone, one day while he was working, I went through his things. I found out he was only 22 years old. I saw his expired driver's license. At the time, I was 26. He had told me he was 25. Then I found a poem he had written in prison... it read..."Oh Michigan Lady, Michigan Lady, you are so good to me. Oh Michigan Lady, you're all I need". Then I questioned my neighbor and she confirmed that while I was working, a girl was picking him up and dropping him off before I arrived home from work. He would call me at work and tell me he was walking to the store. I came home early one day when he told me he was walking to the store. I pushed the re-dial button on my phone. She answered. I didn't say a word. The phone was never hung up. I could hear them having sex.

That day, when he got home, I confronted him. We fought. He did not touch me that day. I would have killed him. My son came home. Suddenly he began to fake a heart attack. My son became upset and cried "call 911 - call 911". My response, "let him die". But my son called my father and my father came and we drove him to the emergency room. Doctor came out and told me it was an anxiety attack. I then asked him about the Hodgen's Disease and he confirmed that he did not have cancer and was not dying.

Bejeweled 1

12" x 12" Acrylic with ink and glitter

It became last week. The legend of the black hawk. I walked outside during work to find and hear the back hawk. There are many different legends to this tale. It yelled at me. Trying desperately to get my attention. I, in return, googled the many legends. Of course, being human, I chosed the better one. War with help along the way. It took me to Odin. Right now, I can't tell you the legend, but can only connect you with it. Odin was the god of wars. My spiritual person, no longer guide, just a human being, connected with me.

What I am noticing most about this painting of the penis is that males like it more than females. I guess to them, it represents power which is why some females resent it. Hmm. A male's penis will never control me, not sure if it ever did. Females have power within, which I guess, some men resent. The power game. Not into it. Don't like it. Be yourself. I named this painting "Bejeweled" because it's pretty. Not male, not female, just pretty.

Painting is actually from a pic. A pic from an unhappy classmate. Yet it would assume he was very happy. Only with now...now with his life. I could go on and on about my week yet it was so consuming with the wreck and all...that I just don't care to.