Back To Colorado

The magical mystery of holidays. Everyone takes time off. Time off from what? From routine. Time to be who our hearts trust us to be. My heart trusted me to be a mom. It was terrific. First Thanksgiving Day with family and friends. Then Predators hockey game with family and friends. Then just family left to love and to be. Yeah, holidays are magical....if you accept what you have. Me...I have everything. No, not materialist, not temporary, it lives within...within my soul. A love so binding that it can only let go.



Women's Health Amendment

Get us closer to health reform that works for women by urging your Senators to vote YES on the Women's Health Amendment.

You know what they say — ladies first.
The Senate has finally begun debating the historic health care reform bill. The first amendment offered is the Women’s Health Amendment — which will help make sure that key women’s preventive health is covered and affordable in the Senate health care reform bill.
Tell your Senators to vote YES on the Women’s Health Amendment — and help ensure that women’s preventive health needs are met in the Senate health care reform bill.
The amendment guarantees access to critical preventive screenings for women by ensuring that they are covered and affordable. We need you to tell your Senators to vote YES on the Women’s Health Amendment and help us get one step closer to health care reform that works for women.
This is the first amendment, but it surely won’t be the last. We’ll keep updating you as the debate moves forward. Thank you for continuing to fight with us — with your help, we are getting closer to affordable, accessible, and comprehensive health care for all.
Sincerely,
Judy WaxmanVice President for Health and Reproductive RightsNational Women's Law Center

Friends-Sweetness, Warmth, and Love

9" x 12" Acrylic on Canvas

Bounty Hunter:Goblets of Wine

24" x 24" Acrylic with ink on canvas

Visions Eyes Open

24" x 24" Acrylic with Ink on Canvas

My daughter stared at this painting and then remarked, "reminds me of fall ~ the fall and the ocean".

My son, Craig, my eldest, was granted custody of his kids today.

Colorado Sunrise

Early morning phone call from Anthony this morning. He woke up at 3:30 a.m. and said he almost called me then. He asked if I was going to make my green beans with our Thanksgiving meal. He's coming home for the holiday. During the past year, he has been into cooking and creating different recipes. For a change this year, we are having - as a family, the traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

Dirt and Power

from: Dan
date: Wed. 16 Nov 2005

"I accept your apology. And I would like to make what I think is an important distinction; the actions that I described as creepy and manipulative had nothing to do with sexuality. Sexuality was the subject of the emails. I have no problem with discussing sexuality, or any other topic. What I found offensive was that you did not stop writing about sexual fantasies that involve me, even after I repeatedly asked you not to. I've been clear that I do not want an intimate relationship with you. You may experience that as rejection...but every person has the ability (perhaps you could say "the right") to choose who they find attractive. No one, not god or anyone else, has the right to over-rule another individual's choice, even if they are certain its for their own "good". What this comes down to is obsession...a form of not paying attention.

Ironically, this not paying attention takes the form of an exclusive focus of attention. A goal is identified and then pursued relentlessly. If you imagine it as a cone....the attention is all directed at the point of the cone, and in this case I found myself the point of that focus. It has been enlightening to me....because I have done the very same thing to others, and I now know personally how very uncomfortable and unwelcome that type of attention can be. Be that as it may, what isn't enjoyable is educational. (or can be, if you're willing to learn.) I'm a stickler for manners, more out of an awareness (I hope) of my own faults, than out of a desire to control others.

But you are right about the observance that I control my environment. As much as possible. I think of it as maintainance, and a simple responsibility of being alive. There is no one else to make the decisions and I'm deeply grateful for that fact.

About dirt: As long as you give others the power to condemn you, they will abuse that power. This is the nature of power. It is not "nice"....it is power. Power establishes the conditions of weak and strong and opposes them. That is a heirarchy. Power will not guide you to choose a particular type of result....there are only two directions in the elevator of power.

There are pre-established systems of morality (organized religions) that you may follow to help the social effects of power. But ultimately you have to choose what you want, and accept responsibility for your behavior (now, not in the endlessly reconstructed fantasy theater of an imagined past (and there is no other kind of past....just the imagined one.)....
AND, if you wish to meet other beings on a level field, you must respect their wishes.

If I were you....I would start working on cutting out some of the self-indulgent behavior...such as packing along the baggage of feeling "dirty". Whose definition of dirt is that....yours or someone else's? Have you ever really thought about dirt, and how essential it is to life? Your very life is made possible by dirt. Why not recognize its sacred nature and make yourself open to the healing and gifts which dirt can give you. Stop acting like you are at the mercy of forces beyond your control...or at least try controlling a few things just to get the hand of it.

Respectfully, Dan"

For My Married Friends:

From: hceragioli
To: Dan
Date: Wed. 16 Nov 2005

"When you actually 'see' a person in their own environment, you truly appreciate and respect that being. When you hear a person speak in their real voice, they become real. I will try very hard to convey what I am feeling. Maybe, in your world, which I have to say, is very much like mine and yet very much not like mine, you 'control' yourself. You 'reflect' what you want the world to see of you. In my world, the old world was controlled, my 'new world' is mine. I can't 'control' something when I don't know what it is I truly want or don't want. I truly don't believe I have ever loved anyone. Since I found the true love in my heart, I 'know' I have never experienced 'true love' with another being. I don't know why but my heart cries for you. But...after seeing you in 'your reality', my words won't come. I truly don't know where these tears are coming from that are falling down my cheeks...when I figure it out...I'll let you know. You are the purest soul I've ever not met and I guess the tears are coming from my feeling 'dirty'. This is how I have felt all of my life. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to 'straighten' out my life...I can't seem to get the 'dirt' off...there's someone who always makes me feel like "I'm not good enough". Well, I can't deal with this anymore. I'm taking the skin off and leaving it here.

...I watched all three of your videos tonight...your flowers are beautiful....but your operas....brought me here....I was such a fool, forgive me."

3 Candles

One, Two, Three

she lit

One, Two, Three

striking fire

to light the candles

as the angels sing


One, Two, Three

ladies of love

firelights dancing



One, Two, Three

the room warms up

to the lights

of the beloved



One, Two, Three

was all she saw

as the flames

twinkle

before her eyes



One, Two, Three

a new day is born



One, two, three

theme unseen


One, two, three

is it me?

One, two, three

barely naked

Breathing in

Breathing out

One, two, three

life is precious

to a vision

of the eye

Free

Commitment

The picture
the picture perceives
the perfect family

The picture
smiles of a family
where there is
no one to deceive

The picture
of a lie
living reality

How do I know the picture
of commitment
to be a tale of deceit

The picture
of a love lost

Why did I fulfill
the need

The picture
no longer sees

truth of reality

The picture
screams
for it to be

I for one
no longer
participate
in
the picture

take your lies
your deceptions
paint them elsewhere

for this little lady
no longer partakes

the physical
the spiritual

it is all the same

do not blame
your misbehaving
on one
or the other

take responsibility
for being human
and wake up
not to deluding
the facts of the matter
cannot separate the two
you are human
seek the darkness
looming about you
for I am light
not your darkness
stay away
until
you are ready
to face
the light of the matter
the darkness sulking inside of you
I am light
stay away
let me not
beam on you
find another
to lurk around
stay away
I am light
the picture
of the perfect family

Blanket of Love

18" x 24" Acrylic on Canvas with Ink

A co-worker responded to my art. She said I only respond when it moves me. This one moves me. The story behind this art is my grandmother. The kids took my grandmother's quilts to the park. Later, they needed to be washed. That is when I painted this painting.

Truth. There are many lies. Husbands seeking love in a place where they cannot find it elsewhere. Wives surfing through time not accepting the truth. Long ago, women were, oh my god, treated as whores. It was horrific. Yet, it was only that, time. That time has passed. Feminine energy is creativity. We are not darkness. We are the light, shining upon pasts' history. Gender is gender. I see a soul, not a gender. Yet, I prefer that which I prefer. My truth is my darkness. I accept that. Life is life. Love, truth, and beauty. All which is real, at least to me and what I have experienced.

Blankets of love. My grandmother, we so disagreed, yet, she loved me. Yes, I took the painting of her quilts and layered them with love.

A musing Day

Research

I tried finding information on my great maternal grandmother ~ Florence Mcrae. She was Cherokee. The only information I found was that she married a white man and for that reason was kicked out of her tribe - off of her reservation. In doing all this research on my family history, I came to realize how it could go on forever! In conclusion, we are all connected to one another.

To know me

is to know you

our hearts connect

from the very start

To know me

is to know you

tenderness

gratefulness

lucky

To know me

to know you

My Paternal Grandparents

My father's maternal grandparents:

Joseph & Sarah Matthews (born sometime in early 1700's)
Jacob Matthews & Phoebe Johnson (born in 1742)
David Matthews & spouse unknown (born after 1744)
Alsey Matthews & Charity Penny (born in 1790)
Simon Matthews & Emily (born in 1833)
George Washington Matthews & Dora Mcleod (born in 1862)
Mavis Gertrude Matthews & William Shelton Stephenson (born in 1901)
Rupert Darnell Stephenson (born in 1924) ~ my father

Will To Hear

Date: 3/5/2005

From: dan

"I think you are going too fast, at least for me to keep up with. Its like trying to read a whirl-wind. In this batch of emails it ranges from "I'm stupid" "I hate emotions" to descriptions of spiritual love. SLOW DOWN. No one can filter the entire cosmos through one body at one time. You're tapping into the power but you let it get out control. Really its no wonder you've trained yourself to be rejected by others! You tap into the high voltage and scare them half to death....morphing through a series of terrifying intensities that very few people can handle. This shows a great talent without discipline. Passion can be wonderful, but it has to be balanced. You can learn to work with this but you've got to slow down. Step back from the power...or it will fry you alive. Try taking baby steps until you get the hang of it.

When I was in Japan a monk gave me singing lessons. He didn't speak any English except 2 words. He would motion for me to sing a note...saying "go!" But before I could make a sound he would say "Stop!"....over and over we did this...I couldn't figure out what he wanted me to do! I tried every way of shaping my mouth to prepare that I knew...but "Stop!"

It went on that way for a long time. Then he motioned from my mouth to his ear....again and again....then "go". "Stop!" Finally I realized that what he meant was that I had to connect my will to sing to him TO HIS EAR BEFORE I made a sound. I had to intend for him to hear me. Then he let me make a note....as soon as it came out he said "Stop!" This happened over and over....I could tell I wasn't ending the note the way he wanted. Then he used his hand to indicate 4 steps, like stairs, and helped me realize he meant the volume at the end of the note....that you should be able to hear it end, fading out through 4 distinct stages....so gradually I was able to do that. Then he would let me make and end a note, but then "Stop" Finally I came to understand that the space in between each note was just as important as the note. He helped me see how that the whole silence of the universe could come into that space if I would just let it open up. "Stop." It was the best music lesson I ever got."

Ladybug

Outside my office building, suddenly we have a ton of ladybugs. When I walked into my office, I felt something climbing up my neck, behind my ear. I reached and found a ladybug. A few years ago, when my office was in a high rise building, a ladybug climbed up my leg. I recall a story about fairies with that ladybug. This ladybug took me to a another myth - a myth of luck. Supposedly if you catch the ladybug and make a wish for your "true love", the ladybug will fly away and whisper this in your true love's ear.

Last night, I dreamt of my "true love". I was at his home. There were lots of people there. He welcomed me. Funny though, he was passing out shots of liquor to everyone, including me. I noticed on the tray of shot glasses 1 1/2 blue pills ~ probably because earlier I had spoken to my mom who finally returned home from hospital and told me about all the pills she now has to take. Hmm. Dreams seem to be strange and interwined with reality.