Family

Our holidays in NC were absolutely magical. Beginning with the drive around the rock slide at the TN/NC border. Scenery of my childhood flickering in and out. Long, cold mountain roads dominating the presence. My mom's surprisal of our arrival. My grandchildren leaping into our arms. Beauty found in my great nephews in their curiosity and laughter and astonishment in this world. Memories of my eldest son playing basketball as we sat in the same gym where he played - where my son now coaches his son. Bonding of my sister and I as gifts are exchanged. Love shining between my mom and her boyfriend as we visited him in the nursing home. Warmth of family ~ been a long time even though it is always felt at a distance, the actual hugging and touching somehow radiates deeper than one can imagine.

Now we are home again filled with continuation of love.

Documentary

"Frozen Fog" 18" x 24" Acrylic with ink on stretched linen

I just watched a very good documentary - Julia Sweeney - "Letting Go of God". Mind opening. It is fun to watch someone else who has gone down the same path as you, yet, goes beyond.

Finally, years later, I am understanding most of Dan's teachings! This "love" I was feeling was merely a "godly love". I am not "in love" with anyone at the present moment. "Love is essential, yet so is freedom." ... quoting Dan.

I did not give my painting a name last night after painting it. This morning when I got up, turned on stereo and the d.j. said it was a "freezing fog" outside. So, I thought, "what the hell is a freezing fog?" and then wrote "Frozen Fog" on the back of my painting.

Later, I checked my emails and read my "DailyOM". It was titled "Fog". Then I read a very long page regarding "being in a fog and finding your way out". I laughed. The computer had misinterpreted my "Frozen Fog". A computer playing psychological mind games. No more "DailyOM" for me.

Married with children...

... happens upon my life. We mate. Now what? Confusion between spiritual and sexual love. But, what if what we made was exactly that. A spiritual and sexual love???? So, here it is. Love him or leave him. Commitment to love is exactly that. Love is both ~ spiritually and sexually. Express it.

...Now, I am moving on.

Awakened Dreams

18" x 24" Acrylic with ink on stretched linen

http://actionaidusa.org/do/petitions/recruitment/g8hungerpetition_mj

Prejudice

From: dan
Date: Sun, 29 Jan 2006

""I love you" spoken toward me, is no more and no less than it would be if you sat yourself down in front of a mirror and spoke to the image "I love you." I have no idea whether that would be a positive action to take or not.
Until you can decide things for yourself, and take responsibility for what you decide, and stick with some direction, any direction, you're going to be floundering around in limbo just like the majority of human beings. So what? Perhaps that's all there is.
Big deal that your boob was sucked on by a "black" woman. Ask yourself the real questions: Are you racist? If the woman is merely a representation of your "dark side" why did you dress her up as a "black" woman. Have you ever loved a black woman, really? If not, why not? How do you know that it wouldn't be the real love? Is that why she's a black woman, so that it will remain impossible? Do you even know a black woman? If not, why not? And is the real reason you'd rather cuddle up with the internet fantasy person exactly because its safely in the fantasy world where consequences are merely other parts of the fantasy?
Dreams, it has been said, are symbolic manifestations of either what we wish would happen, or what we feel should happen. If this is true then they present priceless insight into who we really could be. But the problem is that you have to be ready and willing to receive an insight. No one learns who isn't willing to learn. Its possible, I've heard, to train enslaved or unaware beings...that's a project that I have no interest in participating in, so I wouldn't really know. Learning begins with curiousity and humility.
My experience with your emails (and I should stress that this is just how I perceive them...I have nothing else to go on.) is that you construct elaborate plots to get something that you have decided you want/deserve(love) and then turn nasty (with an oh so cleverly displaced "F#$% you." oh dear.) when the planned for result is not forthcoming. The conflation of sex and love (which may be both inevitable and natural) means that it is easy to always stay in power, as in: Oh its not just pure abstract love I want, I actually want to touch something. And if that's not the route to power, then: It's not sex that I want. I'm not THAT sort of person. What I really want is just pure abstract love.
And the same sex dream could have been predicted....just a few emails back you said you just couldn't "get" same sex love. Well now you got it. Be careful what you wish for.
My thought then was, hey...I never asked anyone to get Black Jack Davy. (I don't "get" love between women, because I'm not one, but I am happy for them, and I think its beautiful.) As to Black Jack, I painted it. Find what you find in it. I happen to love men and just couldn't care less whether that appeals to anyone else but the man who is interested in me. The painting is beautiful. I did my job. That's the best a painting can be. I don't have an aversion to women, just no attraction, and I think I went way beyond the call of duty in my younger years to find that out. What I discovered was that it was "ok." I'm not interested in "ok." I'm not a desperate person.
The woman who most turned me on, a dancer and an artist, did so not because of her "boobs" or whatever, but because of her sheer power, a will to make art that pushed her beyond being experienced as a gender. She is a great artist and I admire that. We did a tango, just for ourselves, not part of our work, and that meant more to me than any merely sexual experiment could.
I'm speaking from experience. I gave it a chance and found out the truth. Will you?
Somewhere on this earth there's a beautiful woman of color, as they say, who herself prefers to love other women. (I've known one such, a radiant spiritual friend who introduced me to some great music, with whom I've spent some memorably happy times.) OH LUCKY YOU if in fact you would be able to enjoy the loving attentions of such a one. Prejudice. Ugh.
I've struggled against the kind of prejudices that you give voice to all my life and I will die, if need be, in that struggle."

Tell DC's Archbishop: don't use the homeless and needy as political pawns!

Awakened Wild Woman

9" x 12" Acrylic with ink on Canvas

http://www.peaceteam.net/action/pnum1021.php

Silly

Interesting. Someone hacked off my mailbox....

My ex came Sunday to my home to pick up our son in order to spend some alone time with him before Anthony flew back to Steamboat. When he arrived, Anthony was in the shower. My ex just sat out in his truck in front of the house. I did not want to go out there, so, instead, I called his cell phone and left a message saying Anthony was in the shower and he'd be out in a minute. He left and when Anthony got out of shower, Anthony called him and he came back. 3 1/2 hours later, he brought Anthony back home. 30 minutes later while me and Anthony were watching t.v. together, I get a message on my cell phone. It was a 2 minute message from his stepmom totally bashing me. What I really found interesting though was when she said, "I've even got Bob Douglas on my side. I call him every night and talk to him before I go to bed - on the sneak - nobody knows".

Bob Douglas was my ex's former supervisor. My ex accused me of having an affair with Bob. Bob left town and my ex got his job.

Love

Questioned and quizzed
do you have your answers

Questioned and quizzed
did it make you smile

Questioned and quizzed
let's rest for awhile

Bring in the sunlight
as the moon shines above

What exactly is
this thing called love

Borne Innocent

Alot of stuff has been going on in my life and in the lives of my loved ones. When I think about it, I just kinda deal with it and go with the flow. The older I get, the more I know that society is what tries to define us. Going back to being born, I was innocent, a newborn baby with no knowledge except for basic needs. I need to be fed, I need to be changed, basic needs. Then the world of thought enters my head. Who am I except for these thoughts? Soooo, change the way you are thinking. I had this same conversation with Dan many years ago. Something like, if you don't like what you are feeling, then change the way you are thinking. Right now, I see thoughts as boomerangs, bouncing off others to only come back to me. So, it makes sense, the only thing I can do is change my thoughts. Or perhaps, an easier way to put it, don't think, just be. I have seen lately so many thoughts taking shape. I sit back and ponder, is it because of me? It's like watching a movie, seeing before me something and dotting the lines. Thoughts? Let it flow, let it go. Being human is an experience I perceive through being me. Being spiritual is not exactly being spiritual, not about some far off "god" taking care of me, to me, it's about being natural without others thoughts interfering. Including my own.

http://rethinkafghanistan.com/

Back To Colorado

The magical mystery of holidays. Everyone takes time off. Time off from what? From routine. Time to be who our hearts trust us to be. My heart trusted me to be a mom. It was terrific. First Thanksgiving Day with family and friends. Then Predators hockey game with family and friends. Then just family left to love and to be. Yeah, holidays are magical....if you accept what you have. Me...I have everything. No, not materialist, not temporary, it lives within...within my soul. A love so binding that it can only let go.



Women's Health Amendment

Get us closer to health reform that works for women by urging your Senators to vote YES on the Women's Health Amendment.

You know what they say — ladies first.
The Senate has finally begun debating the historic health care reform bill. The first amendment offered is the Women’s Health Amendment — which will help make sure that key women’s preventive health is covered and affordable in the Senate health care reform bill.
Tell your Senators to vote YES on the Women’s Health Amendment — and help ensure that women’s preventive health needs are met in the Senate health care reform bill.
The amendment guarantees access to critical preventive screenings for women by ensuring that they are covered and affordable. We need you to tell your Senators to vote YES on the Women’s Health Amendment and help us get one step closer to health care reform that works for women.
This is the first amendment, but it surely won’t be the last. We’ll keep updating you as the debate moves forward. Thank you for continuing to fight with us — with your help, we are getting closer to affordable, accessible, and comprehensive health care for all.
Sincerely,
Judy WaxmanVice President for Health and Reproductive RightsNational Women's Law Center

Friends-Sweetness, Warmth, and Love

9" x 12" Acrylic on Canvas

Bounty Hunter:Goblets of Wine

24" x 24" Acrylic with ink on canvas

Visions Eyes Open

24" x 24" Acrylic with Ink on Canvas

My daughter stared at this painting and then remarked, "reminds me of fall ~ the fall and the ocean".

My son, Craig, my eldest, was granted custody of his kids today.

Colorado Sunrise

Early morning phone call from Anthony this morning. He woke up at 3:30 a.m. and said he almost called me then. He asked if I was going to make my green beans with our Thanksgiving meal. He's coming home for the holiday. During the past year, he has been into cooking and creating different recipes. For a change this year, we are having - as a family, the traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

Dirt and Power

from: Dan
date: Wed. 16 Nov 2005

"I accept your apology. And I would like to make what I think is an important distinction; the actions that I described as creepy and manipulative had nothing to do with sexuality. Sexuality was the subject of the emails. I have no problem with discussing sexuality, or any other topic. What I found offensive was that you did not stop writing about sexual fantasies that involve me, even after I repeatedly asked you not to. I've been clear that I do not want an intimate relationship with you. You may experience that as rejection...but every person has the ability (perhaps you could say "the right") to choose who they find attractive. No one, not god or anyone else, has the right to over-rule another individual's choice, even if they are certain its for their own "good". What this comes down to is obsession...a form of not paying attention.

Ironically, this not paying attention takes the form of an exclusive focus of attention. A goal is identified and then pursued relentlessly. If you imagine it as a cone....the attention is all directed at the point of the cone, and in this case I found myself the point of that focus. It has been enlightening to me....because I have done the very same thing to others, and I now know personally how very uncomfortable and unwelcome that type of attention can be. Be that as it may, what isn't enjoyable is educational. (or can be, if you're willing to learn.) I'm a stickler for manners, more out of an awareness (I hope) of my own faults, than out of a desire to control others.

But you are right about the observance that I control my environment. As much as possible. I think of it as maintainance, and a simple responsibility of being alive. There is no one else to make the decisions and I'm deeply grateful for that fact.

About dirt: As long as you give others the power to condemn you, they will abuse that power. This is the nature of power. It is not "nice"....it is power. Power establishes the conditions of weak and strong and opposes them. That is a heirarchy. Power will not guide you to choose a particular type of result....there are only two directions in the elevator of power.

There are pre-established systems of morality (organized religions) that you may follow to help the social effects of power. But ultimately you have to choose what you want, and accept responsibility for your behavior (now, not in the endlessly reconstructed fantasy theater of an imagined past (and there is no other kind of past....just the imagined one.)....
AND, if you wish to meet other beings on a level field, you must respect their wishes.

If I were you....I would start working on cutting out some of the self-indulgent behavior...such as packing along the baggage of feeling "dirty". Whose definition of dirt is that....yours or someone else's? Have you ever really thought about dirt, and how essential it is to life? Your very life is made possible by dirt. Why not recognize its sacred nature and make yourself open to the healing and gifts which dirt can give you. Stop acting like you are at the mercy of forces beyond your control...or at least try controlling a few things just to get the hand of it.

Respectfully, Dan"

For My Married Friends:

From: hceragioli
To: Dan
Date: Wed. 16 Nov 2005

"When you actually 'see' a person in their own environment, you truly appreciate and respect that being. When you hear a person speak in their real voice, they become real. I will try very hard to convey what I am feeling. Maybe, in your world, which I have to say, is very much like mine and yet very much not like mine, you 'control' yourself. You 'reflect' what you want the world to see of you. In my world, the old world was controlled, my 'new world' is mine. I can't 'control' something when I don't know what it is I truly want or don't want. I truly don't believe I have ever loved anyone. Since I found the true love in my heart, I 'know' I have never experienced 'true love' with another being. I don't know why but my heart cries for you. But...after seeing you in 'your reality', my words won't come. I truly don't know where these tears are coming from that are falling down my cheeks...when I figure it out...I'll let you know. You are the purest soul I've ever not met and I guess the tears are coming from my feeling 'dirty'. This is how I have felt all of my life. It doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to 'straighten' out my life...I can't seem to get the 'dirt' off...there's someone who always makes me feel like "I'm not good enough". Well, I can't deal with this anymore. I'm taking the skin off and leaving it here.

...I watched all three of your videos tonight...your flowers are beautiful....but your operas....brought me here....I was such a fool, forgive me."

3 Candles

One, Two, Three

she lit

One, Two, Three

striking fire

to light the candles

as the angels sing


One, Two, Three

ladies of love

firelights dancing



One, Two, Three

the room warms up

to the lights

of the beloved



One, Two, Three

was all she saw

as the flames

twinkle

before her eyes



One, Two, Three

a new day is born



One, two, three

theme unseen


One, two, three

is it me?

One, two, three

barely naked

Breathing in

Breathing out

One, two, three

life is precious

to a vision

of the eye

Free

Commitment

The picture
the picture perceives
the perfect family

The picture
smiles of a family
where there is
no one to deceive

The picture
of a lie
living reality

How do I know the picture
of commitment
to be a tale of deceit

The picture
of a love lost

Why did I fulfill
the need

The picture
no longer sees

truth of reality

The picture
screams
for it to be

I for one
no longer
participate
in
the picture

take your lies
your deceptions
paint them elsewhere

for this little lady
no longer partakes

the physical
the spiritual

it is all the same

do not blame
your misbehaving
on one
or the other

take responsibility
for being human
and wake up
not to deluding
the facts of the matter
cannot separate the two
you are human
seek the darkness
looming about you
for I am light
not your darkness
stay away
until
you are ready
to face
the light of the matter
the darkness sulking inside of you
I am light
stay away
let me not
beam on you
find another
to lurk around
stay away
I am light
the picture
of the perfect family

Blanket of Love

18" x 24" Acrylic on Canvas with Ink

A co-worker responded to my art. She said I only respond when it moves me. This one moves me. The story behind this art is my grandmother. The kids took my grandmother's quilts to the park. Later, they needed to be washed. That is when I painted this painting.

Truth. There are many lies. Husbands seeking love in a place where they cannot find it elsewhere. Wives surfing through time not accepting the truth. Long ago, women were, oh my god, treated as whores. It was horrific. Yet, it was only that, time. That time has passed. Feminine energy is creativity. We are not darkness. We are the light, shining upon pasts' history. Gender is gender. I see a soul, not a gender. Yet, I prefer that which I prefer. My truth is my darkness. I accept that. Life is life. Love, truth, and beauty. All which is real, at least to me and what I have experienced.

Blankets of love. My grandmother, we so disagreed, yet, she loved me. Yes, I took the painting of her quilts and layered them with love.

A musing Day

Research

I tried finding information on my great maternal grandmother ~ Florence Mcrae. She was Cherokee. The only information I found was that she married a white man and for that reason was kicked out of her tribe - off of her reservation. In doing all this research on my family history, I came to realize how it could go on forever! In conclusion, we are all connected to one another.

To know me

is to know you

our hearts connect

from the very start

To know me

is to know you

tenderness

gratefulness

lucky

To know me

to know you

My Paternal Grandparents

My father's maternal grandparents:

Joseph & Sarah Matthews (born sometime in early 1700's)
Jacob Matthews & Phoebe Johnson (born in 1742)
David Matthews & spouse unknown (born after 1744)
Alsey Matthews & Charity Penny (born in 1790)
Simon Matthews & Emily (born in 1833)
George Washington Matthews & Dora Mcleod (born in 1862)
Mavis Gertrude Matthews & William Shelton Stephenson (born in 1901)
Rupert Darnell Stephenson (born in 1924) ~ my father

Will To Hear

Date: 3/5/2005

From: dan

"I think you are going too fast, at least for me to keep up with. Its like trying to read a whirl-wind. In this batch of emails it ranges from "I'm stupid" "I hate emotions" to descriptions of spiritual love. SLOW DOWN. No one can filter the entire cosmos through one body at one time. You're tapping into the power but you let it get out control. Really its no wonder you've trained yourself to be rejected by others! You tap into the high voltage and scare them half to death....morphing through a series of terrifying intensities that very few people can handle. This shows a great talent without discipline. Passion can be wonderful, but it has to be balanced. You can learn to work with this but you've got to slow down. Step back from the power...or it will fry you alive. Try taking baby steps until you get the hang of it.

When I was in Japan a monk gave me singing lessons. He didn't speak any English except 2 words. He would motion for me to sing a note...saying "go!" But before I could make a sound he would say "Stop!"....over and over we did this...I couldn't figure out what he wanted me to do! I tried every way of shaping my mouth to prepare that I knew...but "Stop!"

It went on that way for a long time. Then he motioned from my mouth to his ear....again and again....then "go". "Stop!" Finally I realized that what he meant was that I had to connect my will to sing to him TO HIS EAR BEFORE I made a sound. I had to intend for him to hear me. Then he let me make a note....as soon as it came out he said "Stop!" This happened over and over....I could tell I wasn't ending the note the way he wanted. Then he used his hand to indicate 4 steps, like stairs, and helped me realize he meant the volume at the end of the note....that you should be able to hear it end, fading out through 4 distinct stages....so gradually I was able to do that. Then he would let me make and end a note, but then "Stop" Finally I came to understand that the space in between each note was just as important as the note. He helped me see how that the whole silence of the universe could come into that space if I would just let it open up. "Stop." It was the best music lesson I ever got."

Ladybug

Outside my office building, suddenly we have a ton of ladybugs. When I walked into my office, I felt something climbing up my neck, behind my ear. I reached and found a ladybug. A few years ago, when my office was in a high rise building, a ladybug climbed up my leg. I recall a story about fairies with that ladybug. This ladybug took me to a another myth - a myth of luck. Supposedly if you catch the ladybug and make a wish for your "true love", the ladybug will fly away and whisper this in your true love's ear.

Last night, I dreamt of my "true love". I was at his home. There were lots of people there. He welcomed me. Funny though, he was passing out shots of liquor to everyone, including me. I noticed on the tray of shot glasses 1 1/2 blue pills ~ probably because earlier I had spoken to my mom who finally returned home from hospital and told me about all the pills she now has to take. Hmm. Dreams seem to be strange and interwined with reality.

Mythological

Saturday morning I called my mom. She did not answer. I called her cell phone. Again, no answer. I called my sister. No answer. I called her cell phone, no answer. I called my mom's cell phone again. This time, my sister answered. She was at the doctor's office with my mom. They said my mom had bronchitis and sent her home.

Sunday morning I called my mom. No answer. I called my sister. No answer. I called my mom's cell phone, my sister answered. They were at hospital. Results were that my mom was having panic attacks. My sister told me that mama would wake up with panic attacks in the middle of the night. She would think about relatives who died suddenly from heart problems. They changed her valium medicine from taking when needed to taking 3 times a day. They were going to keep her overnight to observe and release her Monday morning.

Sunday night, I had a lucid dream. My mom was on a gurney with I.V. Then she was in a wheelchair. I woke at 1:10 a.m. with panic attacks. I realized it was only a dream and I stopped the panic attacks. When I went back to sleep, another dream came. I was laying in a field with my father to my back and my lover to my front. We were kissing. I realized that my father was ok with my lover. My father has never approved of any of the men in my life. Monday morning, I called my sister to see how our mom was. She said she hadn't heard anything. By the time I arrived at work, my sister called me telling me I needed to come. Morganton physicians said she needed a bypass. They did a dye thing. Where they insert dye to see if there were any blockages. They found 2 major blockages. Transporting her to Asheville for Morganton being a small town could not deal with this type of surgery.

My sister told me, "you need to come now". Panic arose. Airfare $600. Road from TN to NC closed due to rock slide. Ok. No. I refuse to pay $600 of my father's money for airfare.

My mom had her surgery this morning. Only one blockage. Stint inserted. She is healing nicely. Goes home tomorrow.

I started remembering when I was 22. I was bleeding badly. Doctor said it was "breakthrough bleeding from the pill". Actually, I was miscarriaging. Did an emergency D'nC. Accidently, the doctor perforated my colon. 6 inches were removed. My mom was in waiting room for 4 hours waiting to hear what was going on with this 1/2 hour procedure.

Where am I going with this? To my daughter's car. I do not like playing the part of the bitch. I bought a 1986 BMW from my daughter's friend's father in August. Just now got enough money to have it registered. Yet, it appears, one cannot sell a car in TN without it first being registered. Her friend's father did not register it. I went to his house, 3 streets up from mine, to inform him of this. I told him he needed to register it. I was met with such violence. It reminded me of a past life. A 6' man threatening me. Ogun came into play. Suddenly, my whole body reapt of power. No. You will not speak to me this way. Seeing a human being acting violently ripped through my being. I stood my ground. Yes, this will be resolved.

Pesto Tenderloins

Tenderloins

Onion Salt

Pepper

Steak Sauce

Homemade pesto

Marinade tenderloins in onion salt, pepper, and steak sauce. Then add pesto and broil 7 minutes. Turn and add more pesto and broil 7 more minutes. Simple and absolutely mouth watering! My own creation with a little help from Tammy's herbal garden and, of course, the garden of life. Friends who share - what could be better?

Autumn Sunrise

20" x 24" Acrylic on Canvas with Ink

Sold

The sweetness

the freshness

of delicious

lavishly

sex

Moderation

From Dan:
Date: 5/23/06

"My parents often told me; "moderation in all things." By that they meant a commitment to restoring and renewing balance and harmony by moderating states that become too extreme, that have a tendency toward locking into loops, just one things....like doctrines and obsessions. Every person has the tendency toward certain extremes; for one it may be alcohol, for another bossing people, for another, model trains. Nothing is accomplished in the realm of the inner being by exchanging one obsession for another in the outer world. I've seen it many times; energy that was devoted to the party life is replaced (usually at the point where it begins to decline) with the church, or some other institution. So be it.

My dad thought the church, for instance, was a good idea, in general, because it helped, slightly, to control human nature. And it definitely needs controlling! If you consider the body of humanity, comprised of the total of all the members of our society, you will see that it can be a slow moving, cruel and stupid beast. It is just in the early stages of its development, after all, and has a long long road ahead of it, if it is ever to develop to elegance of even a cockroach. Within that body there are individuals whose senses move toward the complete life...but they are relatively rare, and irregardless of how much work they do on elevating (poor word) or defining their sensibilities, they still are part of the body of humanity and subject to some of its worst characteristics. Important to remember that, and practice moderation.

I'm glad that you love my work, and that it has helped, if it has, to open the life of the mind and the senses, which are really one world, and yet many at the same time. This is an extremely busy time for me, and even the members of my family have little attention. I direct everything that I can toward the work at this point, because the time has arrived for certain things to come into being. The ancient Anglo-/saxons, who brought our language into being, called it a person's "wyrd.""

Notes

Lovely man

take my hand

let the music begin...

Lovely man

my best friend

notes floating

through the air

swirling around us

not to drown us...

Lovely man

take my hand

let the music begin...

Audacity

How dare you!

To have an affair

with her father

and then to flaunt

the fact

How dare you!

To have the audacity

to judge

my motherhood

how dare you!

Every time

she needed her father

How dare you!

To stand in her way.

How dare you!

Indian Meditation/Disneyworld

My daughter left for Disneyworld for a week to film with her media production class a series for t.v. My daughter's part - a supreme bitch. She plays the part very well I am told.

My youngest son spent the weekend in Greenley, CO with his R.A. group at a conference. He sent me this photo of the "Indian Facial" they did to relieve stress. He told me, "mom, it really works". He said the concoction was brown sugar, milk, and I think honey. He sat in this position for 15 minutes.

Twins & Lovers

I just watched the most wonderful film I have seen in a very long time. Shakesphere's "Twelfth Night". Never heard of it before, never seen it. It sung to my very being! So comical, so true. Poetic words filled my heart . Imagination, what a marvelous thing!

Angels

I've been cheated
been misleaded
when will I be loved

Angels are guiding me
showing me the way to be
taking my hand
to find a way

I've been cheated
been misleaded
yes
I will be loved

Angels are guiding me
hiding and defining me
is that who I really am

I'vc been cheated
been misleaded
yes
I am love

Content in the everyday life
of love
Content in the everyday life
of us
Content with
me

I've been cheated
been misleaded
yet
somehow
I still
found love

Being Me

I am a mother of three

grandmother of two

yet the wind carries

through the vibrations of sound

misty weather beating

to the tune of the drum

pounding me

being me

I am a mother of three

grandmother of two

alone and free

and loving you

loving me

for that is what I do

I love

I am a mother of three

grandmother of two

dew drops on my feet

carrying me

to distant places

resting calmly

upon my chest

breathing

in and out

sounds of silence

hearing loudly

the heartbeat

of my children

of my grandchildren

life is grand

living the vibrations

of those created

by the love in my blood

carrying distances

into the mighty

creation

to share

as life continues

to go forward

with a powerful

beautiful

thing

called

love

The Boar Hunter

From: dan
Date: 7-29-05

"I forwarded the email titled The Boat Hunter to a friend who converted it into email text so that I could read it. After giving it some thought, and considering the Fwds that you sent today, here are some thoughts:
The internet makes it possible to simulate communication quickly, and perhaps that fills a need to communicate which, for some, is not superficiality....it has the potential (as all forms of communication do) of being time-filling chatter. In any event, I cannot imagine why you forwarded me 3 emails concerning an unsuccessful attempt to communicate with a politician. Its hard to know how to respond to the flood of emails which I'm guessing must have some meaning to you, but which are incomprehensible to me.
One reaction is to ignore and delete everything that you send without reading it. So far I have read everything (except document files) Here's my assessment: your writing would benefit from an editor.
You utilize alot of terms that I simply don't understand....no problem if your main objective is to satisfy yourself by writing, but if you truly want to communicate with another living person the first step is to make sure that what you are saying can be understood. Often, at least for me, that means slowing down and understanding what you really way to say, or ask, rather than just pouring out a stream of words because you want to say something, anything, just as long as there's an endless stream of dialogue...the aim is continuity, I think, and its usually because the being who is endlesslly talking is afraid of acknowledging the power of silence, the presence of nothingness, and the knife of discontinuity. Perhaps its a simple fear of acknowledging mortality. I am not putting on the mask of a teacher or a healer. I'm an artist. This paragraph certainly falls in that regard...the best way to articulate the power of silence is to practice it.
What disconcerts me about your emails is that they ignore response...there are endless declarations of love, but never a question as to whether the being you are addressing wants love. I think the operative idea is that "everyone wants love"....a generality that handily evades the fact that humans are very specific about who and what they love....and that the word love is often a gloss for "what I want." Language can be mistaken for truth...or perhaps our understanding of what we perceive is shaped and limited by our languages. Science and society are quick to claim that we are all the same....and so we all share the same needs. Maybe. But to return this to the concrete....one declaration of love is enough for me. I'm glad my work is evocative to you. I've invested my entire life energy in becoming a part of that web of meaning...again, I'm wary of the language, but maybe you could say that I have sacrificed myself to that cause. Whatever. Its a beautiful life and I enjoy it deeply. I do not ask for anything more...not because of an imposed limit, but because my time is this, being an artist.
My sense is that you have been criticized alot, by the boorish people that you have (by circumstance or choise) associated with, and that you have never experienced acceptance by your peers (perhaps because you have yet to come in contact with them)....I think...and this is just my take....that you are limiting and inhibiting your possibilities by your overspiced language. My guess is that when you come in contact with a person that you have a genuine interest in, you immediately begin what is experienced as an overwhelming chaos of purging or a flood of random information. That's fine if your only intent is to purge and flood for your own purpose....but the unique beings of this world (and they are not only humans)...are repelled by the lack of articulation (care and restraint). What is attracted by an inarticulate flood? One word: Predators. Beings marked by excess are easy prey. Artists articulate this by flaunting the process...by attracting the monster. by being destroyed by it and returning "to life" In some societies (the ones I know of are tribal) this is recognized as a life sustaining gift brought thru the suffering of an adept spirit, for some reason....( and it could be an invisible "biological" quality) they are "chosen".
But an artist should know, and I do, that this life may bring utter self-destruction, even, and most likely, without recognition....and that it certainly makes "love" problematic at best. So be it.
The Boar Hunter message has "Gabriela" on it...I'm guessing from the song lyrics to The Gift. Gabriela is an artist friend from Iceland. The song is about our collaboration during her recent visit. It occured to me that you might enjoy joining a writers group and sharing some of your writing with others who are working on the craft of writing."

Years

I spent years in conversing with Mr. Dutton. 21C Hotel Lousiville, KY you totally suck. Here's to you...
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7cv36_robert-mirabal-medicine-man-taos-ne_music

Thank you Rhonda!

Does Anybody Hear Me?

24" x 24" Acrylic on canvas with Ink

Does anybody hear me

do you know the truth?

Does anybody hear me

a woman with a view?

Does anybody hear me

as they lay awake at night?

Does anybody hear me

no fear no fright.

http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/site/R?i=0dctIMeJE2y4LSZAkAFPfw..

Sex

If a spouse withholds sex

then yes

the spouse will explore

other means for desire of the flesh

If a spouse withholds sex

it is a power play

a hold

on the genitals

for which I disagree

Yet

if a spouse withholds sex

for the spouse is battered, beaten, or broken

why not

the spouse will go elsewhere for

the pure satisfaction of feeling loved

Yet

if the spouse withholds sex

for any other reason

then yes

the spouse desires the passionate

love of passionate sex

passionate love

eroticsm

the foreplay of love

Power play

If one has no desire for sex

yet holds it over the other's head

that is control

sheer control

Let him go

yet

my mind is made up

Choices are made

Energy flowing is off balance

who do I owe this to?

A past

A past of long ago

making amends

find the coffee

and the candle

making amends

letting the past go

if you believe it so

Beliefs

Beliefs

let it go

I believe in love

No compromises

What is alive today

Not dead

Yesterday

I have no beliefs

only love

lives inside of me

No compromises

my choice is made

Orisa Obatala

Lord of The White Cloth

Mo juba awo Obatala.
Iwo ni Eleda Orisha.
Iwo ni Orisha Julo Nase.
Iwo ni Oluwa Awo Ori.
Iwo ni Oluwa Awo Ogbogba.
Iwo ni Oluwa Awo Mimo.
Iwo ni Oluwa Awo Alafia.
Iwo ni Oluwa Awo Ti Abo ati
Ako Ipilese.

I humble myself before the mystery of Obatala.
You are the Creator of the Orisha.
You are the Most Powerful Orisha.
You are the Owner of the Mystery of
Consciousness.
You are the Lord of the Mystery of Balance and Equality.
You are the Owner of the Mystery of Purity.
You are the Owner of the Mystery of Peace.
You are the Owner of the Mystery of the Feminine and the Masculine Principles

Spirit Eyes

Seeing through the eyes of the spirit
a love so divine
Seeing through the eyes of the spirit
which only shines
Seeing, feeling, touching
through the flesh of the spirit
warmness accelerates

radiating the glow
Being spirit
shows

Plastic

"C'est Moi"

24" x 24" Acrylic on canvas with ink

When I was in the 6th grade, I had a friend named Jane. She was from a very wealthy family. Their house was huge! I would spend the night there at times. She had an older brother who had a cowboy/indian set with a fort. We would drag them out and play. Little plastic creatures. Probably, not even knowing it at the time, since I was part Indian, I would always play the part of the Indian. What I remember most, was..."why are we fighting?".

She use to get so mad at me. Never knew why. Jane moved to another state within that first year of our becoming friends. Wonder where she is now?

Armanddus from Lisboa, Portugal sent me this song. Thank you Armanddus!

From: Dan
Date: March 14, 2006

"No, nothing electric vibrates through me via the internet whatsoever. I definitely have my thing with electric energy, for a long time it came in the form of a black jaguar. After years of training it became a black man. When I finally got the hang of it it stopped taking a form and became "pure" ecstacy (whatever THAT means) at first as lightning, at night. If you look at the bottom of Red Rob (he finally appeared in human form) you can see a thing shape wrapped in leather and red beads. That's a sliver from a lightning struck cedar tree. You could find out more about it in a book called "friends of Thunder"....but lets just say that I keep my respectful distance from electric power now.
The mistake that you are making is exactly where your 2nd email places it. I am not looking for anything in particular (there's a term for the state, but I don't have time to go in to it here.) and as I've so often assured you, there's no running or hiding involved from anything you could know about. Let go of your obsession and you'll feel freer. Trust me on that one.
I assure you that I have all the love, and more, that I can deal with at present. Its nothing like what you seem to think it is. My "electric charge" if that's what it is, gathers in the earth. My sensual experience of it is to walk barefoot. And that's all there is to that, and all there will be to it."

http://www.powersource.com/cocinc/articles/tlanuhwa.htm

http://www.archive.org/stream/occoneecheemaido00jarr/occoneecheemaido00jarr_djvu.txt

Glimpse

Lucky enough to catch a glimpse

a glimpse of your humanness

Lucky enough to catch a glimpse

a glimpse of you

an angel

being human

Lucky enough to catch a glimpse

of the soul

being who you are

before you were

who you are

Lucky enough to see

the soul

as a person

Lucky enough to see

the soul

flying free

of responsibility

Lucky for me

to see

the man

who lives inside

of you

Joy

To feel so much joy

hard to describe

the reason why

To feel so much joy

my heart in my hand

silky and warm

beating for you

Light radiates

fragrance

embrace

hold on to me baby

with no

mistake

crossing states

open gates

feel me

love me

touch me

I'm

yours

in every form

I'm yours

Human Artist

To be fascinated by an artist's work

to be amazed with the connection

To be fascinated by an artist's work

then suddenly realizing

the artist is merely a human being

To be fascinated by an artist's work

then suddenly recognizing

the artist has feelings

and the feelings are expressed

bringing the connection together

is of the highest ...

No words to express

what I feel inside

Steps

Today, as I walked down the hallway to my office, it appeared as if a green step illuminated before me. As I would step on each particle of green limestone, I saw the step, yet, it would disappear after I stepped on it. It was my choice to follow each step. As I turned to go into my office, full of my paintings, suddenly, they turned red. The steps no longer disappeared, only became brighter as if I were stepping into myself. Becoming. Becoming a part of the passion. Becoming whole. Becoming one. Becoming me.

Mother

18" x 24" Acrylic on Canvas with Ink

Friday night, I left to go spend the night with a friend who's house was broken into. It was a long, disturbing night. I came home early Saturday morning and climbed in my own bed and slept until almost noon. I called my mother when I awakened. She said, "where are you"? I told her I was home. She then said, "well, I called you and you weren't there". Now this is funny. I am 53 years old and my 81 year old mother STILL questions my whereabouts!!!

Thinking about this, lead me back to my childhood streets. Waking up to the mailman, Mr. Bob bringing our mail. The day my "Denise the Menace" silver spoon arrived. I still have that spoon. Going "downtown" with my mom to all the small shops. The small town decorated with Christmas lights and ornaments. The fabulous smell of the grass when my father mowed it. Years and years rolling by. The sadness of tragedies. The miracles of happiness. Bringing me to today. Infinite possibilities. Gratefullness to a life well lived.

Energy

16 " x 20 " Acrylic on Canvas with Ink

Use to be I could pick up on negative energy
not today
Use to be I could dwell on negative energy
not today

It's been almost 4 years since my daughter
has spent the weekend with her father
so yea
energy is flowing
how do I recover
or do I attempt
or do I just let it flow

not knowing
the outcome
not knowing
the realization

I don't

I can only take today
cannot predict tomorrow

so

how do I deal
with something that feels
totally wrong???

I let go
I trust in the universe
to bring only goodness
only magic
to the lives of the ones
who have done no wrong

This love
which dwells inside of me

I know
it can harm
I know
it can hurt

Yet
still I trust in the love
of the universe
for it's children
it's borne

Letting go
letting flow
yes
that is me
a love
so surrounded with goodness
to evade all darkness

Even though I know
it is all the same
I especially want the light
for inside of me
I know
there is an evilness
churning

Waiting
Waiting
to put out the light

Yet
when one sees
there is no darkness
here is no lightness

then yes
it is only good
watch over my child
protect her being
that is all I ask of

ask of who????

Millions of thoughts
digested each day

Look for the good
and it you will see
it wasn't me
it wasn't him
it just was
of times
long ago

Change
yes change
for all I know is a heart's desire
a desire to be love

So tired of fighting
life is
make a choice
choose love.

Choices

http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/dia/track.jsp?v=2&c=PPDzc1jPrik%2Bi9tZH3wwIZT4d%2BD1S7WY

Leftovers

Despite 4 days of rantings and ravings from my ex's wife, my daughter now has a choice as to if she sees her father. And no, she is not a "leftover". She only married my "leftover".

Anger

I am so angry I cannot even respond right now. Yet I will, eventually.

Masks

20" x 16" Acrylic on canvas with Ink

I started this painting with a brush. I finished it with my fingers. Yea, I painted it directly with paint applied to my fingers. It felt so good.

Date: 3/9/2005
From: Dan

"I'm not going to reveal behind the mask, because if I did, the magic would be gone. There's nothing hidden or wrong (well no more so than your average masked voice) behind it....it is a tool that works. At least so far. Perhaps it would help if you view it as a work of art....I'm performing something for an audience of one. That's a very intimate sort of audience (I'm much more comfortable singing for hundreds of people than for one.)....and the mask of the email is just the medium I need to do it. I'm not afraid to take it off...that's not it...it is in play at this time, and taking it off is not part of the play. Oh, I could say that I was, and I could even fool myself (almost) into believing that I had. The play could even fascinate like Chinese boxes, taking off one mask only to reveal another one beneath the first, and another, and another. I have worked with these types of images and I'm handy with them.

The play has a purpose....it is designed with a purpose. You've often wondered how it seems to connect with the scriptures that you pick. Well it is because the design and the purpose work together. As long as they do, the play works too.

I'm not sure if this is understandable. Some things cannot be explained without destroying or dissecting them. "But hope that is not seen is faith; for what a man sees, why does he yet hope for it? The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen, is faith. And our Lord is a consuming fire.""

Gold To Me

Baby

16" x 20" Acrylic on Canvas

9-16-09

16" x 20" Acrylic 2007
First Painting Sold

36 years ago today, at the age of 17, I gave birth to my firstborn. I was separated from my abusive husband at the time. I thought a baby would change him. It didn't. We separated again when our son was 8 months old when he knocked a door down on top of us. It was my choice to have our child.

As a dear friend said to me, "some men can't be fixed".

Colored Pencils 2006

I was metamorphosing. I was made to believe "everyone does it", yet, at the time, they weren't.

Recycled

20" x 24" Acrylic on Canvas

By Holly: 9-09-09

16" x 20" Acrylic on Canvas with Ink

I had the urge to paint yesterday. Needed healing. Needed change. Did not have money for canvas so I went through old paintings and found one that had no meaning for me. So, I painted over it. The original painting was painted 9-28-08. It was purple and white. Yes, change was made, after finding what changes needed to be made. Sometimes it is good to go back to what was and make it what is now. Just doing it through different eyes.

Closed Eyes

My eyes are closed
seeing through deep, deep foamy red
My eyes are closed
your hands are there
we touch
we meet
My eyes are closed
I climb onto our lap
My eyes are closed
Rest my head upon your chest
Your arms encircle me
The light
The light
My eyes are closed
Your wand enters me
My eyes are closed
rocking gently
the lights grows brighter
My eyes are closed
blockages open
The light
The light
Communication is made
My eyes are closed
We remain open
Beauty as one
our eyes are open

Strip It Down

Strip it down

layer upon layer

strip it down

piece upon piece

remove top layer

to find another piece

remove next layer

strip it down

piece upon piece

what remains

a heart

as big as a star

shining brightly

loving lightly

holding tightly

strip it down

all the way

down to the center

a star

shining brightly

loving lightly

strip it down

hold it tightly

nothing to break

nothing to shake

pure

soul

living

with no boundaries

love

love

only love