Cancer or DUI

Cancer or DUI???? Yes, life is an adventure. Many roads ahead. This blog is going to take awhile. Processing today is moving slowly yet so very fast. I will begin when it begins in the beginning. In the beginning, 7 years ago there was a frantic to "put it down". Now, today, it is more or less in a processing mode. Good thing I think. Life in slow motion??? Yet moving very fast.

Graduated

My youngest son, Anthony was to graduate this last May with his associate degree, but, he was short a credit and had to attend summer school. Last night, he sent me this photo. Yes, he did graduate!!! So exciting, especially after receiving the news that my sister will be having a mastectomy next Thursday, the same day Anthony will be coming home for a short visit. You never know what life will give you. As my son continues in college, shaping his life; my sister will continue in life, focusing on healing. My love blossoms in both of them. They are both kicking butt!

Magic In The Moon

Magic in the moon

exists tonight

the beauty

of the shine

outweighing the

dense shadows

of the darkness

There is magic

in the moon

lives for you

lives for me

pain and suffering

compared to death

there is no comparison

Death is

pain and suffering

alive or dead

There is magic in the moon

it exists for all

expectations

some fall short

some

are real

This time

it counts

Magic in the moon

show your beauty

wipe out disease

let it not exist

Enough

pain

and

suffering

have

been

paid

The debt is paid

in full

Let purity win

again

this

time

for

my

sister

8 Years

I will not cave

8 years of

"it'll be ok"

you may forgive

but not me

the years of angish

still engulfs me

the nights of holding our children

because you weren't there

will not leave me

the spiritual

the love side

wants to forgive and forget

yet

not this time

I am only human

you weren't there

you mother fucker

you weren't there

the pain

the angish

the unforgiveable sin

of not being a dad

when you were

fuck you

if you suffer now

i do not care

stop manipulating our children

for the affairs of your divorce

you totally screwed up

caught

I will not bend

you deserve everything you get

to think

I once loved you

will never exist

your charms

will not work on me again

No Answer

I am learning that sometimes "no answer" is the answer. You search, you wonder, and you plead wanting answers. The answer doesn't come. Then suddenly, you realize "no answer is the answer". Time, once again, to let go, and move on. One might see this as a time of loss. Yet, I find it as a time of discovery. What one might want, or might desire, is just not meant to be. A very wise man, Dan, of course, once said to me, "do not remain in the same system, you become stagnant". Stagtism, I think a word I just made up, is not a fun place to be. Am letting go of false hope, false dreams. Something that never really belonged to me. That saying, "all good things come to those who wait". Fuck it. It doesn't.

Staying Balanced-Silver Lining

When my oldest son Craig called me late last night to inform me that my sister has cancer, I totally lost it. It took me back to my dad's death and my brother's death. I cried and cried and cried. When I awoke this morning, it was like reliving it all over again. Suddenly, the world was real, my sister has cancer. I called her last night. She did not answer. I called this morning. She did not answer. Finally, her daughter called me this afternoon. My sister cannot deal with my feelings or my mom's feelings right now. Makes total sense. I text her. I told her I love her. She text back. She loves me too. Whatever the future holds, I will be there for her. Struggles with being human and being spiritual. Lots of questions raised. Life is only temporary. Letting go of permanence kinda sucks. Yet, the memories, yes, are priceless.

"American Jobs Act"

Obama rocks!!!!

Closet Child

I remember my very first artwork. I think I was about 5 years old. I painted a pumpkin inside my closet wall. Why I hid it in my closet is beyond me. But I do know that my dad's "pet name" for me was "pumpkin". This came to mind because I spent the day cleaning out my daughter's closet. There were many hidden secrets there, yet, I chose not to read them. Her closet is nicely stored now. As are her secrets. I do remember that my mom got very upset with me for painting on the walls! Kinda like the day I cut one side of my hair and hid it and the scissors under my bed, thinking, hmm, no one would notice. Childhood memories! Delightful!

I told my daughter I wanted to paint her room. She firmly responded, "no mom, that room is my art!". Sooo, even though she no longer lives here, her "art" remains.

I think I just upgraded my art from crayons to paint. In actuality, it was crayons, a big orange crayon! Funny how I wanted to make it paint. My first use of paint was, I think, was painting by numbers, of a very beautiful dog who reminded me of my first dog, Bobo. He was a collie. And yes, I also remember my children's artwork starting out with crayons. My first memory of imagination was Barbie and then delightfully adding Ken. Ohh, I created some very loving scenes! Romantic at heart! But, before that, it was sisters, who appeared on the Lawrence Welk show. The Lemon Sisters, cut-outs. To go even further back, Mr. Potato Head! Memories are fun! History even more interesting...