"If wishes were horses"

To: Dan

From: Holly

Date: 4/25/06



"Yes, I know this places me, yet again, 'over the limit'. My writing/sending you 'poems'---my agenda'...I don't know. "Something comes to me, I write, I send to you 'feeling the flow as it goes'. Perhaps it's only in my head, but my hope is that whatever I 'write' does good somewhere for someone...afterall, what is life without sharing. My 'agenda' in writing is not in using you or wanting you to put my words to music...that, my friend, is my fantasy. I have already 'seen' my life through your work. In doing so, I know it is not just 'my life'. You, my friend, you, the artist, you did that...I lived it but you brought it to life."



To: Holly

From: Dan

Date 4/25/06



"The wishes that I am able to grant are spontaneous, and not subject to force. That's the problem with your requests, from my point of view you manifest yourself only as an inexhaustable appetite; wanting more but never tasting what you have. I understand that you have feelings, and that you don't want to be viewed as a monster, but that is how your behavior at present appears, at least to me. Until you get whatever drives that in balance, my wish-granting is stymied.

From what I've read it seems that you expect others to accept that you will ignore their wishes because you have a need to be free. Yet at the same time believe that others should (for what reason?) grant your wishes. This is a common ailment, and not just for individuals. Maybe your experience with others has lead you to expect the worst from them, so you push buttons until you get the negative responses you knew you'd get all along) (That is called "self-fulfilling prophecy"..its a form of the True Thomas complex, but a very unfortunate one.) If that's the case, I've seen the phenomena before, mostly in the elderly.

I really don't know how to respond to your emails, because I know that you have not in the past granted any request that I've made. (And they have been few! Limit emails to 2 a day. No erotica or seduction attempts. But I'm all about fresh starts and another chances, so I'll offer one: Limit emails to no more than 5 a day. No erotica or seduction attempts. If you can grant that, then I can consider one of your wishes. I cannot grant more than one under any circumstances.

Here are the specific reasons that I cannot grant these particular wishes: Friendship, at least for me, is based on trust and mutual interest. Trust cannot be commanded or compelled, it grows from experience. One observes that a particular person behaves in a reliable way and trust in that behavior begins to form. Some people put their trust in projected fantasy...believing for no reason that others will respond as they wish them to. That causes pain, because it disappoints. Both the first and third wish are based on the idea of friendship, and although we started on that track, way back...you wanted to turn it into something else, and refused to pay attention to my response. I'm not writing this to display anger or disappointment in your behavior (I had no expectations to begin with.) but to try to show you what the impediments to developing a friendship are. Just so you'll know, I am a wary person, for very good reasons; after what I've experienced so far with this correspondence, it will take a long time to re-establish trust. But anything's possible.

As to the 2nd wish, that I tell your story, that is literally impossible, and I wouldn't consider doing it under any circumstances. The only story that I have to tell is what I have experienced directly. All of us have an amazing story, but few people decide to learn the craft of storytelling, even fewer the art of writing. Both of those disciplines are commitments that require devotion and time....so much devotion and time that even in the most favorable circumstances there is little chance for success in making something that will have enough duration to reach the reader or listener who can receive it. Early on there is exuberance and exhilaration....but eventually it comes round to studying punctuation and grammer. If you're going to do that, something has to be sacrificed...and that something is huge amounts of time."