Doodles

Last month my electric bill was $347. Today, I come home from work and find this month's electric bill - $409. While at work, there is a yearning in me to "express", a "stirring" to create, so I doodle as I work, surrounding my space with my work. It creates a very peaceful quietness.

Back when I was married to my last ex, at the end of the marriage, we would go to this little cafe (All Good Cafe) where our friend Bob would play. He was playing in Lou's band. At times, we would all meet at Lou's house before going to the cafe. One time, the show was cancelled so we ended up "jamming" at Lou's. I remember Gary, who was Bob's roommate - he moved in with Bob when Bob's electricity was turned off because he couldn't pay his bill - anyway, this one particular night, one of the other band member's wife came to the cafe with their baby. I volunteered to help with the baby so the wife enjoy herself a little more. Afterwards, we went to Lou's. We were talking about inspirations. I said, "wonder what I am good at"? Gary said, "babies, you should get into taking care of children". My husband said, "dude, that's what she's done her entire life". That is one thing my husband said that I know is true. For 35 years, I have been taking care of children, and continue to do so, for at least 3 more years. Mother, yes, that is who I am, while also discovering who I am not.


Bob and I became good friends. It was a "pull" of something drawing us together. Bob use to "doodle" all the time when he worked here in Nashville. During this time, Bob was also performing in Dan's opera, "Approach of the Mystery", something Bob said he always wanted to do, perform in an opera. In college, his music professor told him he never would. I once said to Bob when he was questioning who he was, "you're a drummer" and he responded, "I'm more than just a drummer". My ex had told his boss that Bob was just a "wanna be drummer". At the time, Bob was my ex's boss. As the story goes, Bob left town, and my ex got his job. Wonder what Bob's doing today? Last time I saw him, he told me he was working with the homeless.

As I sit today, what is something I always wanted to do? Be free. Free to be who I am. My ex told me when we separated, "you're old and you're ugly and wrinkled, and no man will ever want you". Today, I laugh, for I know better!

When I kissed Bob, it was in front of everyone I loved. It was almost like a sign of declaration. Actually, I did not kiss Bob. I "announced" to the world that there was "someone" else, who could turn my buttons. It was a few weeks later that Bob kissed me. I gave in to the truth. The truth being that I was an actual human being capable of love, not control. Moral issues set in for Bob, so he told me. Oh my gosh, how could he "kiss" his employee's wife. Chemistry sets in. For me, it was, oh my gosh, I have been "faithful" for the entirety of our marriage, 20 plus years, counting the time we lived together, how could this be? Truth beholds. He wasn't so, "my ex", so innocent as I projected him to be.