The Color Purple

Thursday morning, I awakened at 4:00 a.m. Could not go back to sleep, so sat down here at my computer and wrote a poem for my latest painting, "She Is Beautiful". Around 5:00 a.m. I laid back down and slowly drifted off to sleep. Suddenly, I awoke at 9:30 a.m. Oh my gosh! I was suppose to be at work at 7:30 a.m. Woke up my daughter. Said, "hurry, we're late". They're calling me from work wondering where I am. One friend texted my "facebook" saying she was on her way over to my house. In the "rushness", high energy flew. Words spewed back and forth. By the time I made it to work, I was a wreck. Tears running down my cheeks. Hurtful words ingrained in my mind. I cried and I cried and I cried. The tears would not stop. I texted my friend Bill, "please make the tears stop". So many co-workers coming to me, "are you ok"? I tried making excuses for my tears. But, the thing of it was, I had no excuses. I just hurt. Throughout the entirety of the day, I was "wailing", yes, "wailing", not just crying, but "wailing". I could not hide it. It would not go away. For years and years and years, I hid my tears. I hid my pain. While going through my divorce, I hid in my office with the door closed. No longer. I hurt. The last time I recalled feeling this much pain was when my brother died, and before that, my father. Yet, I mourned secretly in my home, trying desperately to hide my pain. While I tried to "pinpoint" my pain, I could not. It had been so long since I cried. My greatest fear was of "crying" in the open. Hey, it didn't kill me. It only healed me. The next day, Friday, when I went to work, there was no humiliation, no sorrow, only thankfulness. So many, and yes, there were so many people who embraced my pain and held me to comfort me, and for that, YES, I am truly grateful. Thursday, I was classified as M.I.A., Friday, there was laughter, as Ted said, "hey Holly I see they found you, no more M.I.A.! His biggest grin made me laugh so hard!

It seems I go through the dark only to discover the light. Seems, it's always been that way! The color purple? Crown. Yet, my heart still shines, beating like everyone else's! As Gail came into my office Friday morning, she said, "it's a good thing that you felt comfortable enough to cry here at work, amongst your co-workers". They had suggested I go home that day, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to be alone. I read somewhere that "we're spiritual beings being human". Makes sense. Sometimes we forget who we are. There have been so many people which I know who have experienced so much pain, and have suppressed it. Perhaps it is best not to suppress and let be, be.