I talked with my mom this morning, as I always do on Saturdays. She has been a little discombobulated lately. My oldest son is going through a divorce. My mom is a constant 'worrier". Anyway, the tears we shared in our throats this morning was a little overwhelming. In the past, we've always had a hard time, sharing our true feelings. Anyway, my dad died in 1991. Then my brother passed on in 1995. Right after that, she met "Clyde". He is a very Christian gentleman who filled the void in my mom's life after all her grief. His wife had passed away previously. In fact, back when I worked for the State of NC, was when I first met his wife. She was the director of our medical records department. Anyway, last year, Clyde became ill. He had many surgeries and is now living in a nursing home. Ever since then, my mom has been visiting him at the nursing home. She even washes his sheets to insure they are clean. She sprays his room with lysol. She also does the same for the man who is in the room with him. She will pick him up and drive him to his home. She also cleans his house, getting all the cobwebs out since the house sits in silence. My mom told me this morning that his sister-in-law told her she should marry Clyde and move into his home and take care of him. My mom said "no". She said to me, "Holly, I am going to be 80 years old next week. I can't marry him now." I asked my mom, "what do you want?" Meaning, I wanted her to put aside what everyone else was telling her, and look deep within to what she really wanted. She said to me, "I do not want to spend the rest of my life taking care of him. I have my own life. My own home. My own family. I am totally content in seeing him at the nursing home. Clyde also likes it there. He is the type of man who does not enjoy someone else taking care of him." I said to my mom, "then there you have it. Do what YOU want, not what someone else tells you, you should do." She replied, "I am."
What struck me as really funny was, she said to me, "Holly, you are the strong one. You are the survivor." I wonder where I get that from?
I spoke with my grandaughter on the phone last night. I tried to get ahold of her father, but, he is not talking to me, it seems. Our last conversation, about 2 weeks ago, ending with him hanging up on me. He thinks I am taking his wife's side. It was good to talk to Megan. She answered her mother's phone. She is 13 years old. I asked her how she was doing and she replied "good". I said, "for real?" and she said, "yes, it is good not having to live in the fighting anymore".
Adults, angry adults in the midst of fighting, often forget little ears. My son, lived his childhood years and adult years, in the midst of fighting. As I have been trying to explain to him, show him during the past few years - since my divorce, that just because that's all he's ever seen doesn't make it right. He has the choice to change. Anger only hurts. I understand his anger today. He has lost his wife, his home - his entire life has changed. Hopefully, he will see that I am not taking sides - there are no sides to be taken. There is only love in a mother's heart. She may not always show it or express it in the way you desire, but, it's there.
My mom, tends to be taking her grandson's "side", for she is only hearing "his side of the story". This reminded me of my ex-in-laws, and ex-relatives. Yet, I said to my mom, once again, "you're only hearing what you're being told". Then she proceeds to talk about the weather.
Later on in the day, I spent time with my friend, Donna. Her husband, Mike, died not so long ago. Mike was my son's baseball coach, gosh, let's see, Anthony is now 21, and he began playing t-ball going on to baseball many, many years ago, so, anyway, I've known them for a very long time. Donna is having a difficult time. It is alot about her "inner guilt" of believing that she could have done something differently to prevent his death. At least, she is talking it out, and not suffering alone. Just as my friend, Janis. Her husband also died about a week before Mike's death. Donna's husband died from a disease. Janis' husband committed suicide in front of her. Both of these husbands were in their 40's. I spent time with Janis also last night. The difference being that Janis is more angry, more hurt that her husband left her. Now, she is in a "search" for "why", "why did this happen", yet, allowing it all to come to surface. Her answers are coming to her. Both of these women are totally different, yet, as all of us, share the pain of losing someone you love, and a willingness to endure the pain, in order to search for the inner peace which comes from within. Yes, they are very strong women, and always have been, but, in the face of death, have forgotten how strong they really are.
After spending time with the two of them, separately, I decided I was going to go out and listen to music. I showered. I put on make-up, I put on clothes, then, I threw off the clothes, and climbed into bed. Do not recall having any dreams. When I awakened this morning, naked as a jay bird, with that "ahh", and seeing my clothes on the floor, I was happy I went to bed instead of going out to listen to music. The harmony I slept in was much more refreshing.
What struck me as really funny was, she said to me, "Holly, you are the strong one. You are the survivor." I wonder where I get that from?
I spoke with my grandaughter on the phone last night. I tried to get ahold of her father, but, he is not talking to me, it seems. Our last conversation, about 2 weeks ago, ending with him hanging up on me. He thinks I am taking his wife's side. It was good to talk to Megan. She answered her mother's phone. She is 13 years old. I asked her how she was doing and she replied "good". I said, "for real?" and she said, "yes, it is good not having to live in the fighting anymore".
Adults, angry adults in the midst of fighting, often forget little ears. My son, lived his childhood years and adult years, in the midst of fighting. As I have been trying to explain to him, show him during the past few years - since my divorce, that just because that's all he's ever seen doesn't make it right. He has the choice to change. Anger only hurts. I understand his anger today. He has lost his wife, his home - his entire life has changed. Hopefully, he will see that I am not taking sides - there are no sides to be taken. There is only love in a mother's heart. She may not always show it or express it in the way you desire, but, it's there.
My mom, tends to be taking her grandson's "side", for she is only hearing "his side of the story". This reminded me of my ex-in-laws, and ex-relatives. Yet, I said to my mom, once again, "you're only hearing what you're being told". Then she proceeds to talk about the weather.
Later on in the day, I spent time with my friend, Donna. Her husband, Mike, died not so long ago. Mike was my son's baseball coach, gosh, let's see, Anthony is now 21, and he began playing t-ball going on to baseball many, many years ago, so, anyway, I've known them for a very long time. Donna is having a difficult time. It is alot about her "inner guilt" of believing that she could have done something differently to prevent his death. At least, she is talking it out, and not suffering alone. Just as my friend, Janis. Her husband also died about a week before Mike's death. Donna's husband died from a disease. Janis' husband committed suicide in front of her. Both of these husbands were in their 40's. I spent time with Janis also last night. The difference being that Janis is more angry, more hurt that her husband left her. Now, she is in a "search" for "why", "why did this happen", yet, allowing it all to come to surface. Her answers are coming to her. Both of these women are totally different, yet, as all of us, share the pain of losing someone you love, and a willingness to endure the pain, in order to search for the inner peace which comes from within. Yes, they are very strong women, and always have been, but, in the face of death, have forgotten how strong they really are.
After spending time with the two of them, separately, I decided I was going to go out and listen to music. I showered. I put on make-up, I put on clothes, then, I threw off the clothes, and climbed into bed. Do not recall having any dreams. When I awakened this morning, naked as a jay bird, with that "ahh", and seeing my clothes on the floor, I was happy I went to bed instead of going out to listen to music. The harmony I slept in was much more refreshing.
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